(updated 11 Aug 06)

Drek provided by Cad and Bucko

On to our Double Feature Presentation!:

A Hard Day's Nightmare Before Christmas
(Written by polyglot86@gmail.com)

Danny Elfman joins the Beatles, and the greatest band in rock and roll history end up as glorified movie music composers. (stan@squidworks.com)

Just after takeoff, Santa's sled was shot down by an off-course North Korean missile. (tphyll@aol.com) At an improbability level of two to the power of zed-zed-nine-plural-zed-aplha. North Korea may have nukes, but they can't HIT anything....

Their "rocket scientist"? Dan Quayle.

However the hell this one comes out, I bet the soundtrack is good. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Yoko Ono is about to bring out a new CD for Christmas and is infuriated when she hears that Sir Paul McCartney has re-worked all the vocals and instruments to make the whole production sound 100 per cent less irritating. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Uh, 100% less than zero? Still zero.

Spoof musical movie. Features a 4-piece band of young men... on returning from the studio after a particularly long day, one of them went upstairs, sparked up a reasonable small spliff...you know, the kind that just gets you chilled when...The Front door gets kicked down...THERE"S GUNS EVERYWHERE>>>SCREAMING< SHOUTING> CONFUSION ALL ABOUT>>>>CRAZY>>>>>THE FEDS ARE BUSTIN' THE JOINT (pardon the pun)>>>>MOTHAFUKKAS>>>>>ALL DRESSED AS SANTA KLAUS>>>>EXCEPT...it's July 26th! As the cuffs go on, the band dude (now nicely baked!) thinks to himself..."How did I miss them on the way in?" (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

Helena Bonham Carter convinces Tim Burton to dig up John Lennon's bones to star in the sequel to his highly successful animated movie. What Tim Doesn't know is that after shooting, Helena plans to make a dress out of them. (MissusMikeyD@aol.com) Icky...but plausible.

A disturbing little tale about the hell Santa has to go through to find a convenience store that's open on Christmas Eve in order to pick up some tampons and a Cosmo that Mrs. Claus had been busting his balls all day about not forgetting, since he's going to be out all night anyway doing "God knows what." At the same time, this weird creature named Jack Skellington keeps trying to kidnap him, and four guys with funny haircuts and tight pant cuffs really get him pissed off by calling him "pops" all the time. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

NOT a film about a freaky night of sex while wearing mistletoe in all the right places on Christmas Eve. Too bad, isn't it? (wedrixe@netscape.net) Possibly.... send me your picture, then maybe we could "shoot" some scenes.

George Harrison rakes a fashion merchandiser over the coals, literally, and eats him, because he wouldn't be caught dead wearing the guy's grotty clothes, which then show up in Jack Skellington's wardrobe, since he IS dead. (strontium901@juno.com) Oh! So THAT'S how he got the idea for "Within You, Without You"! That's probably also where the MST3K guys got the idea for...well...MST3K. Don't send me hate emails...just watch the film and you'll see.

A forgotten gem from the sixties as evil forces attempt to disrupt Christmas by sending bags of Santa's mail to the Fab Four instead. Hilarity and music abound as the lads attempt to return the mail to the North Pole to save Christmas and foil the forces of evil. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) BUT - when they get there, they find that the North Pole has melted because of global warming. Too late for the Fat Man, but the lads are rescued by Paul's grandfather, Al Gore.

This is an oldie .. but a goodie!!! The former Beatles (still all alive) dress up like Santa, and on Christmas Eve go door - to - door and scare the shit outta all the children by singing "I am the Walrus" out of tune! (luganrn77@yahoo.com) With those lyrics, nobody would NOTICE if it was out of tune! This falls under what I call "The Country Music Principle".

Jack Skellington takes Ringo's place at drums. None of the other lads notice. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Heather Mills gives her ex-husband, Sir Paul McCartney, a right-handed guitar for a Christmas present. As a result, the former Beatle starts writing songs backwards. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Okay...nothing really to do with the plot of either movie...but still...I LIKE this one...explains a lot. Yes, but playing backwards, the devil of it was that he could only do it at slow speed.

Theme song Lyrics: " She loves me, ho ho ho" (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Hmm! This sounds like a new project for M. Night Shyamalan. (tpanner@hotmail.com) HELP! You could really USE some help, Cad! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Hey now...they had to paint him red after all...c'mon haven't you seen the trivia for 'The Sixth Sense' at the IMDb?

Jack Skellington, the most notorious "fifth Beatle", is eventually fired from the band when he keeps insisting that Paul is dead, and is generally unable to keep up with the witty banter. (tpanner@hotmail.com) It being obvious that a lot of entrants have never SEEN "A Hard Day's Night" (Philistines!), a trivia question: Who WAS the "fifth Beatle"? *Answer at the bottom....

A town full of ditzy poofy-haired teenage zombie girls goes on a murderous rampage after hearing the Beatles special fan-club-only Christmas album. The carnage begins when they hear Lennon singing "So This is Christmas." (That album really exists.) (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) Okay...you get 10 points for knowing that the Beatles actually made fan-club Christmas records...but you get -20 points for not liking that Lennon song. BUT.... 10 points back for mocking the hairdo. But -10 again for not mocking the "Fab Four"-do.

So who plays the bad guy? Yoko?? (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

About time! A reference to Paul's grandfather...which...btw...unlike a lot of entries we see...is "very clean"...

The kids gather underneath the Christmas tree and according to tradition, unwrap the mummy of their granddfather. But he's very clean. (strontium901@juno.com)

Hey! A Christmas that will haunt him the whole year! Just like in department stores...

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Heather took from me: 12 billion dollars...11 tugs of war...10 DVDs...9 golden records...8 of my songs...7 of my cars...6 of my houses...5 pipes of piece...4 old pianos...3 new guitars...2 Beatles films...And now, I have filed for bankruptcy. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

*(For the Philistines, viable answers are: Stu Sutcliffe, Pete Best, or Billy Preston. Bonus: The band was originally called "The Silver Beatles")