On to our Double Feature Presentation!:
Creature From The Blue Lagoon
They thought it was paradise . . . then the mercury kicked in. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Brooke Shields is marooned alone on a desert island with nothing but a suitcase full of whiskey and antidepressants. Tom Cruise plays the creature who is always sneaking up on Brooke in the middle of the night and whispering from the cover of brush, "Stop taking your meds. You don't need those meds. Just walk it off. Psychiatrists are buttholes. You'll be fine...you'll be fine...you'll be fine." And, of course, Brooke eventually throws herself off a cliff and onto the pile jagged rocks below. (email@example.com) Hypocrite. Cruise is so constantly coked up, he makes Howie Mandel seem like Ben Stein.
Just what I need...a movie about one of my old boyfriends :-(~ (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
We find our two beautiful heroes, played by Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins, still marooned on the desert island where they have raised a son and daughter to young adulthood. Come watch the hilarious hijinks as Brooke and Christopher try desperately but unsuccessfully to keep their kids from giving them a grandchild. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Look, the movie just SEEMED this long...ask AuntShecky.
Brooke Shields returns to the Blue Lagoon, new baby in tow, and she is pissed and depressed. Watch as she battles the evil Tom Cruise Creature for her antidepressants and frees the helpless Katie Holmes who has been held captive by the mad creature of the lagoon. (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com; JTulli@Juno.com and so many others, it's really got me down....)
Don't ever fall in the blue lagoon, because from that day forward you will always be blue and sad and nasty and just a pain in the ass. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com) Joan Rivers! AAAAAAGH!!
"Gee whiz, mister! Your privates sure smell fishy!" 'Yeesshh, but they not shrimpy like white boy, there!' (email@example.com)
Actually, a documentary about Dick Cheney's vacation in Cabo, and the horror of him coming out of the water in a Speedo. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com) Dammit! WHAT DO I KEEP TELLING YOU GUYS ABOUT THE VISUALS??!!
Featuring Voices of Brooke Shields, Matthew McConaughey, Harrison Ford, William Hurt. In a world where everything is covered with the poignant tint of melancholia, Smurfs try to inject some joy while battling the Creature from Disney's Legal Department. Rated "G" for Godawful. Animated, except for the acting. 81 minutes, though seems longer. (AuntShecky711@aol.com) Any resemblance to Cad's personal life is due to the fact that I sent them her diary.
See the kids' harrowing escape from the blue lagoon before it's turned black by an Exxon oil spill. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
The military litters the skies with macaroon bombers to combat a googly-eyed monster from the deep who terrorizes island locals, then threatens the mainland, all the while repeating his unrelenting three-word mantra: ME...WANT...COOKIE! (JTulli@Juno.com) This one's a thinly disguised bio of Cad's sister. Uh...? Who's the one coked up now, huh?
Tall. Leggy. Boobs. I hate this movie :( (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Hey, who had the boobs in this film...Chris or Brooke? I'm confused.
Brooke Shields gets knocked up by island-boy Christopher Atkins, and winds up suffering from post-partum depression after the baby is born. Just then, a giant creature called "Scientomcruisologist" arises from the lagoon to torment her, telling her how misguided and irresponsible she is. (firstname.lastname@example.org) I think she was suffering from post-filming depression. C'mon...CHRISTOPHER ATKINS???
DON'T GO INTO THE WATER!! (theme from 'Jaws' playing in the background) Anyone taking a dip in THIS lagoon will have to forever wear 'brook shields' to prevent conception ... or face the consequences of an ALIEN delivery! (email@example.com) Brooke Shields, Dalkon Shields.... you're screwed either way.
"A horny creature! An aging broad! A bottle of whiskey! An empty bottle of whiskey! A horny creature with renewed interest! Passion!!" (firstname.lastname@example.org) Hey...isn't this the plotline to Desperate Housewives? Nope! Your diary strikes again! Can't be...I like vodka.
The creature and the woman he kidnaps figure out how to do the deed and end up raising an amphibian. (email@example.com)
Having Amnesia from the shipwreck, Emma never remembered that Richard was her brother. Richard could no longer resist, he had to know what it felt to be a man. After convincing Emma that this was normal and beautiful they engaged in sex, many times. Thus resulting in this Feature's Title and Who said incest was best? (firstname.lastname@example.org) Every family in Alabama and Kentucky....
Yep, we know it was black, but Turner 'colorized' it. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org) I think they did that with Atkins' hair, too.
A mysterious mutant rages from the waters of Bikini Atoll. Turns out that nuclear waste made a monster out of the young guy in the movie, who's royally pissed because all people remember is Brooke Shields. (email@example.com)
This is SO stolen from an Ingmar Bergman film....
Brooke Shields is finally about to be rescued from the island when Mummy Gilligan shows up and unwittingly foils the rescue. Mummy Skipper then forces him to sit still while Mummy Professor hooks the terminals from a coconut battery up to his testicles; then they all start chasing one another around the island in fast motion. (firstname.lastname@example.org; GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)
"Tweeze help me!..."
Slowly it rises out of the water, a streak of dark seaweed across its face, but, wait! It's not seaweed, it's a giant single eyebrow! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)