(updated 17 Apr 06)

Drek provided by Cad and Bucko

On to our Double Feature Presentation!:

The Elephant Man With the Golden Gun
(Directed by ramblintamblyn@gmail.com)

He's double-O ugly! (jrgracey1@aol.com)

The producers felt that people who suffer from horrific forms of gigantism were under-represented in top line feature films. (tpanner@hotmail.com) That is, if you don't count the massively over-inflated egos.

Look out he's gonna charge!...And he's got a gun! (jaberwock@yahooy.com)

Needless to say, Pierce Brosnan is excessively offended by his replacement. (tainsam@aol.com)

How is it that we managed to pick nearly completely different lists this round? You sure you're using the right deck of Tarot cards, Cad? Hey, at least when I formulate the list up...I don't leave YOUR winner and intro off, thank you very much. (Bucko did the list up for me as I'm sick...and he CONVENIENTLY only listed HIS winner.)

20th Century Fox counters with "Our Man Quasimodo".... (cmndrnineveh@aol.com) Hey...James Coburn was so fugly he wouldn't have needed any prosthetics.

Bond would now take his women to cafe-au-lait spots. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Licensed to kill...for peanuts. (edsigler@hotmail.com)

"Well, can you really blame me, 007? Jeez! C'mon! Look at me. Can you see me working in a bank? Super villain was about the only career option I had." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

A hideous-looking man covered in extra nipples gets taken out by Roger Moore. They have a lovely evening. (strontium901@juno.com)

Man, that guy is hung like an elephant...and it is soooo shiny... (jaberwock@yahooy.com)

"Do you eckshpect me to talk?" "No, Mister Bond, I expect you to view my hideous visage and weep!" (scalpel@aol.com) I'm already weeping after seeing Queen Victoria running around in a bikini hiding that Solex in the bottoms. Say! Send that one in to Bulwer-Lytton.... 'cause that's one of the worst comments you've ever written! ;) Hey, dammit - do you NOT get the correlation? Do I have to explain it to you on the phone? You know that'll be 2 hours of your life you'll never get back. ;)

"Ahh, all of these golden guns surely prop my pillows up nicely!" (davidgotribe@aol.com)

Needless to say, Pierce Brosnan is excessively offended by his replacement. (tainsam@aol.com)

British High Society becomes fascinated by the man with the grotesquely large, swollen head, but the ladies swoon when they spy that the description applies to more of his anatomy. (rod.renner@juno.com) Large swollen head? Didn't that apply to all the guys who played Bond?

Bond is back… This time battling the evil, freaky Michael Jackson. Bond must recover the skeleton of the Elephant Man to retrieve the bullet that killed him. Proving that Francisco Scaramanga is still alive. (fparsons@yahoo.com)

Mind if I tickle your ivories, Mister Bond? (Airfarcewon@aol.com) That'll strike a chord with him & get him keyed up!

He's the worst assassin in the world. One working hand. Can hardly walk. You can see him a mile away. The stunning gun proves that at least he can accessorize. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

See the new 007! He's just so fucking ugly, he's sexy! (tpanner@hotmail.com) THAT explains why Ernest Borgnine gets you so horny! Cad, these people are sick!

When several poachers come up missing, 007 must quickly find a zoo with the patience and paintbrushes to transform a wild half-animal's rage to creative genius. (JTulli@Juno.com)

There won't be anymore of that playful banter between Moneypenny and Bond since Moneypenny was unable to suppress her gag reflex. (tpanner@hotmail.com; davidgotribe@aol.com & other sexetaries) Hey...this ain't no porn film, ya know. No? You've never actually SEEN a Bond film, have you?

Yes, he was hideous. But, oh........ his gun was hot. (JoyfulDjoy@aol.com)

A bizarre movie in which Bond is killed, and the freak gets all the hot babes. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Hunky James Bond is sent on a secret mission to steal the skeleton of the Elephant Man. He meets a masked figure to deliver the goods. The mask comes off, and it's Michael Jackson! He cries, "Bone me!" (LouMizzou@yahoo.com) HOLD IT! You've got 'Jacko' off! Bond is an adult!

WHAT?! I'm just saying....

Bond chases after an incredibly ugly drug lord, who tries to escape by hiding out in a circus freak show. His fatal mistake comes when they shoot him out of the Golden Human Cannon, and the audience is showered by a lot of rancid goo. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Somehow I think this one will end with a body in the "trunk". (MindgameFiziks@hotmail.com) And it STILL acts better than Britt Ekland did in the trunk...okay...the whole damned film.

The movie gave rise to the world's worst joke: Whats gray and comes in quarts?...James Bond. (maxcel200@aol.com) Negatory, Max! The world's worst joke lives in the White House.

Five bullets or 6, he never forgets! (JTulli@Juno.com)

Then Nick-Nack here will bury you in some graveyard...that is, if he can ever find one...

"Mr. Bond, I have a pretty thick skin, but you've caused too many wrinkles in my plan, so I've brought you here to my private island off the Ivory Coast to stamp you out with the gun I have in this trunk." (murdoctor@aol.com)

Noir Way!...

The Elephant Man forms a posse to hunt down the man with the golden gun. But the movie's in black & white, so they can't tell which guy it is. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)