On to our Double Feature Presentation!:
The Godfather Knows Best
(Written by: Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Cad, I keep telling you that we need to pick more recent stuff! Not everybody is as old as you are!
Well, it's also convenient to blame the late updates on. You know how everything starts to fail as you get older? Eyesight...hearing...memory...laptop...
Oh? So why did so many people confuse "Father Knows Best" with "Leave it to Beaver"? But, 'tis well; to waste innuendo is not The Way of the Bucko! Hey, I've seen the length of your Mediacrity updates...I think not wasting any entries is truly "The Way of the Bucko"! ;)
"I keep trying to get out, but they keep pulling me back in... telling me it's time for dinner and such." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
That's what the Godfather thinks for about the first 10 minutes of the movie. Then, a tall, vicious dominatrix busts in on the game. Corleone becomes her slave-puppet, and she has Mr. & Mrs. Anderson axed because she hates Wonder Bread goody two-shoes types. Bud offs himself because he's never had to make a decision for himself in his life. Princess & Kitten are pimped up & whored out, along with those other 2 stupid bitches, Kay & Connie. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)
The Godfather unwittingly gets involved in little grandson Timmy's problem with a school bully by teaching Timmy the appropriate way to shove lunch money up someone's ass. (email@example.com) Enter that bitch, Lassie....
"The Family" gynecologist says you made an offer that my daughter, she didn't refuse. On this, her wedding day, you shall not be the best man. You're gonna be the best eunuch. (Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!) (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
Kitten stuffs her cheeks with cotton balls, and is kidnapped by big-ass-loving Mafiosos. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com) You know...thanks for forcing me to think of Brando's ass-cheeks now...I will never forgive you.
Oh, that's what we need! 50's style sexist attitudes towards women backed by the muscle of the Mafia! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
When Bud fails to do his chores, he wakes up to the bloody severed head of his pet hamster, Mr. Bojangles, lying on the pillow beside him. (email@example.com) OK, first, I thought it was gerbils....
...but the fact that even Ted Kaczynski was given the title makes this disputable. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Michael marries a bitchy fem-dom named "Kitten" who strikes fear into men's hearts, even Mafiosos. She doesn't take his "sage advice." She gives orders and the Godfather does what he's damn well told! (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com) What does that nam-? (Better look it up....) AHA!
Critics are offering a lot to refuse. (email@example.com)
"You weren't rough enough on the Beaver last night." (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Nice going, "Queen of Pain", Paintsy caught "whip & lash" from you.
Now who the hell would want to go to a movie where the best line is "I'm gonna make you an allowance you can't refuse"!" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Ward! You whacked the Beaver! (email@example.com) "And don't beat around the bush about it!"
This is the one where Opie accidentally kills a mother bird, and .... oh no! that's not it! The 'Beave' and Wally listen to Eddie Haskell against their better judgement, and .... NO! That's not it either! Um .. hmmm ... Marlon tells Sophia to stay in the family business ... so she starts making wine! Yeah that's the ticket! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Dinner is never late again after a horse head shows up in Mrs. Anderson's bed. (email@example.com) WHAT?? Who would dare give her head? Maybe he just wasn't sure if she wanted him thorough in bed or a thoroughbred.
When Don Corleone finds out that Michael has whacked the heads of the five families and his brother-in-law, Carlo, he gives him a stern lecture and grounds him for a week. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Betty refuses to play bridge with her father anymore when she complains, "but daddy, I don't have any fingertips left." (email@example.com) "I see, my daughter.... Bud, pull the knife out of her other hand. Then leave the room; we prefer to 'grand slam' each other privately."
When Betty brings home another date her father doesn't like, she complains, "Oh c'mon, daddy, there's no more room in the backyard to bury them." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
"Don't ask my about my business, Margaret. I told you never to ask me about my business." "But Jim, you manage an insurance company. How complicated can it be?" "Okay. Well, I did 'promote' one of our accountants today. Yes, things are going swimmingly for him. He's got a lot of depth -- works well under pressure. And with his new promotion, he now has a great view of the Hudson River." (email@example.com) I think the only thing you forgot to mention is if he'll be able to fill the last guy's (cement) shoes.
After finding out that Sonny has been shot, 'Fredo asks Mama Corleone if he can finally have his room and bike. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Dad, when my baby tooth fell out are you sure you were supposed to put a horse's head under my pillow? (email@example.com) Well...it's one way to get me to pony up the dough.
Murder! Betrayal! Vengeance! Family! And above all, light, comfortable sweaters and plenty of milk and cookies after dinner. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
They serve great cap-Pacino, Bud da Sanka sucks, & Beaver was NOT invited:
Michael Corleone is finally out of the "family business," has come out of the closet, and is running a darling bed and breakfast in New Hampshire with Bud from "Father Knows Best." (MissusMikeyD@aol.com)
Not really sure if we want him to have this type of Caan-do attitude, tho...
The Godfather Knows Best: Like father, like Sonny... (email@example.com)
The time has come for us to rotate this contest out and bring out another to play...so, as usual we ask that you send us your vote for the new one. Take one out of the archive or feel free to make up your own...just make sure you tell us what you want. (Send your vote/suggestion in via the entry box.)