(updated 9 Jul 06)

Drek provided by Cad and Bucko

On to our Double Feature Presentation!:

All The President's Twelve Monkeys
(Written by NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Since I live in the DC area, I'm very familiar with who's in Congress, and there are a lot more monkeys than 12! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

It's about a cabinet meeting focused on gorilla warfare. (tphyll@aol.com)

Nawww.... I better not .... they might start an FBI file on me .... (luganrn77@yahoo.com) What do you mean "start"...you've posted on the HMO forum, right? Oh...um...never mind. They've had one for years! Say, is that report about you and Charles Manson's dental hygienist true?

President Bush gets into a dirt clod fight with chimps during a visit to the zoo. He unwittingly handles monkey droppings during the melee, forgets to wash his hands for dinner despite repeated urgings from his wife, infects the white house kitchen staff with a rare, drug resistant, highly infectious virus that will plunge the earth into a dark age lasting a thousand years unless he can be sent back in time with a sniper rifle and take out the chimp that threw the infected droppings to begin with. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Bruce Willis travels back in time in an attempt to prevent WWIII by interrupting the conception of G.W. Bush. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Thanks a hell of a lot for the visual of George HW & Barbara Bush "doing it". I am SO going to kill you.

George W. goes back in time to see how "Daddy did it in Kuwait!".....but goes too far back and finds himself embroiled in a phone tapping scandal! (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

President Bush gets the bird flu. Bob Woodward interviews the President and his fine tuned journalistic instincts convince him he is dealing with more than just an ordinary runny nose, but before the story can break, Woodward catches the bird flu from the President and gives it to the rest of the Washington Post staff. In a month, 5 billion people are dead and zoo monkeys are running wild in the streets. (tpanner@hotmail.com) Stop the presses...circulation drops by 200!

A frustrated Ronald Reagan, relying on his Hollywood connections, appoints Bonzo, Cheetah, Kong, Joe Young, and other simian relatives to his cabinet. There's lots of sh*t flying at meetings, but the economy runs better than ever. (rod.renner@juno.com)

"If you put his entire cabinet in front of typewriters and allow them to pound away at the keys, ONE of them is bound to come up with a coherent Iraq war policy." (stan@squidworks.com) Yet so far....

Twelve little monkeys jumping on the bed,
one fell off and bumped his head.
Georgie Bush called the Dr. and the Dr. said:
No WMDs hiding in the bed.
11 Little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
Georgie Bush called the Dr. and the Dr. said:
No Osama Bin Laden hiding in the bed. (etc. etc. etc.) (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com)

I was going to make an attempt to lampoon Bush via the plot of "12 Monkeys" (and maybe throw in a few Nixon references to further lampoon the Republican party) but you know, what? It just isn't worth the effort anymore. I am tired of shooting fish in the barrel. Even the fish wise-up sooner of later. (mikepena@verizon.net) Yes, even fish wouldn't have elected him the second time.

The President's cabinet agrees to be the subject of a new reality show for the Discovery Channel's proposed Simian Saturdays. (JTulli@Juno.com)

Brad Pitt agreed to reprise his role at half his usual fee. He just jumped at the chance to do that weird googly eye thing again. (tpanner@hotmail.com) Hey...that eye thingy he did was cool.

Two crusading reporters think up a brilliant Presidential conspiracy that is sure to win them Pulitzers, and go back in time to make it happen. They encounter Bruce Willis, who gives them the "Deep Throat" treatment, and accidentally foil the Republican plot to steal the Florida vote. This ruins the story they had planned, and they both wind up as uncles to a lot of orangutans. (strontium901@juno.com)

The President is about to be judged by a jury of his peers. (tphyll@aol.com) Which means Cad will be tied up for a few months...Hey, I'm judging vodka right now...this just in...literally...but 'Level One' vodka, no where near the "level" of 'Grey Goose'.

The new nuclear policy will be called "fission chimps". (tphyll@aol.com)

George Bush objected to the film's title, thinking that it referred to influence he might have over the current Supreme Court. It took a little time to convince him that the Supreme Court has only 9 members and that he might have been thinking about the jury duty he had recently gotten out of. (tpanner@hotmail.com) But to come to his defense, however, Bush did know 'The Supremes' had three members.

Movies this bad drive critics bananas! (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

Look, I know I left a message on that answering machine looking thing in 1973...a full 18 1/2 minutes of it, and now you're telling me I didn't? That it's gone? Am I going crazy? What year is this again? (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) Sounds like he's lost in the Woods. (Oh, Google it, for cryin' out loud!)

Finally, our suspicions about where his ideas come from is confirmed:

All the reporters at a crucial press conference flee for their lives from rabid, brainless, flying monkeys throwing feces at them. Where did these monsters come from? Bush's ass, one for each of his "new major initiatives." (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Whew! At least in the movies we HAVE a future...

Tagline: Jaded and hopeless Americans travel back in time and turn over the office of the President to lower level primates in hopes of a better future. (CoyPsyche@aol.com)