(Updated 28 Sep 05)

Hosted by Senator Ted

The Proposed Bill:

I know most of you have been annoyed by this next Bill under me..Get up Clinton..<burp>.. woah.. that's a tasty looking sandwich...anyway..it has to do with cell stem phones research. I am always behind one of those people not paying attention and braking randomly and running into their bumper (I am on my 4th front <hic> bicycle tire this month) so I propose new legislation to punish these people for causing accidents as follows:

I thank you whoreheartedly for your admissions on this topic, and here we have our answers:

Anyone seen talkingon a cellooolar phone shall be shot on sight. The first offence willl be a shot to the Testicul...testi...balls for a man, and to the back seat of my bicycle for a woman. The second offennn...offenssss...time, it will be point blank to the head. (nstn@statefarm.com)

That all offenders be forced to listen to Mariah Carey while driving in their cars. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

And now for the cellphone up the ass participants segment...(You people really need to get a room)

Ritually force people to bend over and have their cell phones shoved up their ass and then sell the footage to ESPN. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

If found at fault in an auto accident, their phone should be rectally inserted. (nstn@statefarm.com)

They should be forced to drive inebriated across a narrow bridge with one hand taped to their ear and the other one shoved up their arse. (smartblonde58@yahoo.com)

Take the phone, turn the ring volume up to the loudest, set it on speaker phone, put in a nuclear battery, attach some barbed hooks to it, and have a linebacker shove it up their ass. Then call the phone every five minutes and read the letters to Penthouse out loud. (strontium901@juno.com)

Moving right along...

Make them drive in reverse so they can see me coming. (moxham4@hotmail.com)

A bumper crop of stiff penalties to be pedaled by re-tiring legislators. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

And this week's Loser..I mean ..<hic> Billibuster is:

All offenders will be sent to Oklahoma where there are no cell stem phone towers, thus rendering them useless, for no less than 90 days. (manpretty@gmail.com)