(updated 10 Dec 02)

The Zoo

While at the zoo, little Bobby asked his parents what the elephants were doing and they explained that they were making a baby elephant. Bobby thought back to what he had seen the night before through the keyhole in his parent's bedroom. He exclaimed, "When is our baby elephant going to get here?!?" (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

Janet, hideously ugly janitor at the local zoo, was just beginning to clean out the gorilla cages. Suddenly, one of the male gorillas threw her down, had violent sex with her and tossed her out of the cage. When her coworkers visited her at the hospital and asked how she was doing, she replied, "I'm doing awful--he hasn't called or even sent flowers!" (mcsestretch@hotmail.com)

Desperate for work, Paul answered the Help Wanted ad at the zoo and soon found himself dressed in a monkey suit in the nearly-empty Ape House. Higher and higher he swung on the bars, drawing oohs and aahs from the gathering crowd, until he suddenly flipped over the bars and landed in the lion's cage. Screaming in terror, he watched helplessly as the lone lion pounced on top of him, opened his huge mouth and hissed, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!" (ElmiraGlch@aol.com)

The monkeys were down, depressed and dejected after a group of Senators had visited the zoo. They wouldn't even throw their feces anymore. The Senators made them feel like amateurs. (MooseSpeak@aol.com)

At the zoo known more commonly as "HMO", a search was on for a new game. Some nit came up with the idea that three-sentence stories would be funny, and some other twit approved it. Now we have to come up with a way to make this funny, though I think I already have. (Profishgyd@aol.com)

It had seemed like a brilliant and innovative idea when Celia first suggested it. Instead of the usual sheep and goats and such, they would make the larger but still gentle animals such as baby elephants available to the people on a hands-on basis. Unfortunately, they would soon discover that a disturbing percentage of the public would misinterpret the purpose of the Heavy Petting Zoo. (SpinyNorma@aol.com)

It's a hot muggy day and we're working the day shift out of Los Angeles; my name is Thursday, Moe Thursday, and my partner is Frank Smythe. We're zookeepers, and we catch butterflies to feed to the zoo animals; and let me tell you something, mister! About that last item; it's no easy job and some days we can barely drag our nets! (internutt9@aol.com)

My friend Gerald worked at the zoo as a scatologist. The day I visited, I found him in the pachyderm enclosure serenading the enormous beasts, which seemed to expedite their production of the mounds of dung that he needed to study. "Well," I said, " I always wondered about scat singing and elephants, Gerald." (tbroox@aol.com)

The winner...who gets to watch a 24-hour marathon of "Zoobilee Zoo" shows...

Los Angeles was frantic after the earthquake destroyed the fences at the zoo and let the wild animals loose. Dispatchers were soon worn ragged trying to understand the panicked screams of people reporting seeing lions in the supermarket, alligators in their swimming pools, and tigers at the mall. Oddly enough, however, no one complained about the gnu'd beaches. (SpinyNorma@aol.com)