(updated 11 Dec 04)

URL: Stop Alien Abductions

I think that hat is preventing thoughts from going into his brain, not leaving it. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com; avit.web@verizon.net)

That's right! You can create your very own thought screen helmet for only $35! (Which is nothing compared to the cost of your therapy once your new boss finds out why you're wearing it.) (lynz7612@aol.com)

I think I'll take my chances with the aliens instead of looking like a transsexual Quaker. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

Who cares if they steal my thoughts. I'm wearing it like a diaper to stop those annoying alien anal probes. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)

Great, now the aliens will find out our secret! (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

I have a friend whose illegal aliens were abducted by aliens while they were wearing this thing. (MysticSamuraiX@aol.com)

"Before these hats, I had a hard time avoiding alien mind rays. Now I just have a hard time picking up girls." (dangerwulf@aol.com) Something tells me you had that problem BEFORE you made the hat.

"Juuuuuust... sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of an LSD trip..." (PhoenyxRises@aol.com)

"Curses! Blasted Hguuumans haf foiled uuus ahgain!" (Zoltar@alphaCenturi.sys)

Great! No more telepathic communication from aliens. But oh...those e-mails! (maxcel200@aol.com) SPAM: Several Personal Alien Messages...hmmm NOW it all makes sense.

How to stop alien abductions? Stop being hillbillies. (scalpel@aol.com)

Jon's meaningful work and contribution to society is his new one man stage performance,"Captain Kangaroomania."It's not Captain Kangaroo, but an incredible simulation. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

Is there any way to contact the aliens and tell them to just not bring these people back? (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

"And my friends here in the sanitarium want me to make them one, too." (lacee7700@aol.com)

When I first tried one I felt silly and took it off. But then the aliens read my thoughts and insisted I put it back on. (Ringo@illuSchoen.ent)

Be the standout of the crowd at this year's annual Area 51 convention. (dorr@jam.rr.com)

So THAT'S what happened to Rip Taylor! (MrsMikeyDee@aol.com)

If I wore a hat like that...I'd feel a little alienated! (sheafitz1@netscape.com) Do I hear a b...rimshot?

Jon will quickly discard his helmet when he realizes that no abduction means no anal probe. (AnthrStupdSN@aol.com)

After the 10 step program of A.A. (alien abductions) I can now sponsor more idiots like myself. (breehlm@wmconnect.com)

And, for a limited time, you can build your own Vaporizer Death Ray Gun - just like the aliens use - for UNDER $300.00! (t_fromthe_edge@yahoo.com)

Those thought screen helmets really do work! They make everyone else wonder, "What the hell is that moron thinking?!" (half_cowgirl_half_angel@yahoo.com)

Any "alien abduction" site that doesn't mention anal probes? Bogus. (ListenBucko@yahoo.com)

It turns out that the boy wasn't abducted by aliens at all. He got the tar beat out of him at school and was afraid to come home. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

It takes a village to raise a village idiot. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com) ...or a colony...a space colony...

Two of the 8 people stupid enough to wear one of those things were abducted? That sounds like pretty $#itty odds to me. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

Now I know what I'm getting those "hard to shop for people" as Christmas gifts!!! (watch4whales@yahoo.com)

Jon is contributing to society by licking glass clean at the State Mental Hospital. (dorr@jam.rr.com)

"I remember going there and sitting down...then the next thing I remember is waking up in the chair...but my hair's grown back to the SAME exact length...I have no explanation to account for this missing time..."

"Dear Michael: I'm really in a quandary. I suspect that my barber may be an alien. What should I do?!" Bob Smith, Phoenix, AZ (maxcel200@aol.com)