(updated 7 Sep 04)

Well, we had a few really good entries for the new contest name...but we decided we liked this one best: "Dot Comedy"...sent in by both e-marlon@sio.midco.net and junkmailmagnet42@aol.com. They shall both receive 50 Rat's Asses for their idea. We shall change the contest titles within the next few days so you don't keep seeing the old one...so bear with us on that.

URL: Quantum Sleeper

"Nine out of ten doctors agree that oxygen starvation causes faster and longer sleeping times! ....You feel better rested, too!" (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

The Quantum sleeper: Able to protect you against bio-terrorism yet still unable to protect you from your significant other's flatulence. (Mistahtom@aol.com)

"MMmmph..mmph...mumphmffl...(THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!) mmphfl...mumphle..mmmfl..." (deweyever@attbi.com) "Honestly, we've never heard any complaints about our product."

"Couldn't you at least wait 'til we get IN the damned thing before you start feeling me up? (jd8375@msn.com)

"Austin, Doctor Evil has joined forces with Ikea. We need you to find out what they're up to." (scalpel@aol.com)

Looks stupid, right? But how many of you clicked on the "Interested in More Information" link? (arch_deceiver@hotmail.com) Yes, that's where we all found out the insane price of it.

Get one for when your mother-in-law comes to visit. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

"We love our Quantum Sleeper so much we both plan to be buried in it. That is if we both die together in some terrible bio-chemical terrorist attack that happens outside the hours of 11:00 pm and 7:00 am." (davidgotribe@aol.com)

Finally, a bed kidnappers can really get behind. (scalpel@aol.com)

NEVER MAKE YOUR BED AGAIN! Simply close Quantum Sleeper each morning, for that all-important neat, tidy look. (customerwaller@cox.net) "Order the king-sized model...you can clean up your whole house in no time shoving all of it inside!"

And remember our slogan: "There's Safety In Slumbers". (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

* Provides no protection against Martian-Brain-Control waves, but then, nothing does. (chharget@aol.com)

Great gift idea for the paranoid freak in your life. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Recommended by leading doctors, including Caligari. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

"OOO! OOO! Can it FLY too?! Mummy! Mummy! I wanna fly in the psycho bed TOO!!!" (SMRbear1@aol.com) Ah...Veruca...we wondered what happened to you since you fell thru the "Bad Egg" trap door.

This can only provide the feminine specie with more alibi ammunition: "Not tonight, Dear...I have Claustrophobia!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

"Oh sure, now you come out with this!" -- Saddam Hussein (pjb1671@netscape.net)

Now available at Costco, next to the coffin displays. (SPTirish@aol.com)

Keeps the little ones from crawling into bed with mommy and daddy. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

"I purchased the Quantum Sleeper and enhanced my sociophobic lifestyle tenfold!" (razcactus@netzero.com)

For an extra $1000 we'll include the Quantum toilet feature so you'll never have to get out of bed again. (dorr@jam.rr.com)

Slogan: "You don't have to die to enjoy your coffin!" (TheWhineCritic@aol.com)

Safe from anything but power outages. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

All you provide is air! (julie@blackbox.elsewhere.org)

Testimonial for the Quantum Sleeper: "I've ordered several with all the options!" --Michael Jackson (pjb1671@netscape.net) This just might be truer than you think.

AND... when it's time for the Grim Reaper, you've got Quantum Sleeper! (pjb1671@netscape.net)

The safest sex you'll ever have! (chick65@aol.com)

(Man in picture): "Now she's NEVER getting away again!" (tainsam@aol.com)

"My house was destroyed by a twister, but man--what a good night's sleep!" (jaynashvil@aol.com)

Now on sale at Bed Bath and Way Way Way Way Beyond! (maxcel200@aol.com)

Well, if you are phobic enough to buy one...you are probably too depressed to get out of bed anyway...

Just hope you're near the bedroom and tired when disaster strikes. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)