(updated 12 Jul 04)

Things Not To Say and/or Do At A Swanky Country Club
(Topic suggested by darkmanwork@hotmail.com)

"Sure throw me out, but someday, mark my words, someday I'll ask you if you'd like fries with that?" (davidgotribe@aol.com)

Reveal that you're a Democrat, Libertarian, Green or Independent (MooseSpeak@netscape.net)

So I guess a camper's blow is out of the question? (Camper's blow = blowing one's nose without a tissue or hankie.) (DRGNTMR@AOL.COM) Damn...I was told this was known as an "air hanky"...talk about an embarrassing faux pas!

When you see the waiter across the room, shout "Hey Dude, Gimme a plate o' wings and a pitcher o' Bud!" (mauibrothers04@aol.com)

Double-dip after you've taken a bite from a potato or tortilla chip at a soirée. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com) Chips? How gauche. Obviously, you meant crudités. Now off with you - and don't return until you've read an entire etiquette book.

Slap the wait staff on the tush. (marymarg27608@yahoo.com)

When they hand you a wine cork...dab it on both sides of your neck. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

"Can I see the Kosher menu?" (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

Piss your initials in the sand traps. (chefrandy@charter.net)

The whole Grey Poupon bit. (razcactus@netzero.com; deweyever@attbi.com)

"Yo dude! Ya, you with the penguin duds on! When does the funeral music get over??" (SIS15OKTT@AOL.COM) ...Which then nicely segues into...

"When are they going to play Alice in Chains in this place?" (SevenButterflies@hotmail.com) Uh, probably about the same time they adopt a Kosher menu.

Visit several and say you're "clubbing." (bblack17@hotmail.com)

"You would think for a 50 thousand dollar a year membership this place would provide hookers!!" (steve_medel@oxy.com)

"Fo shizzle ma' nizzle." (MedCheryl@aol.com)

Ask where the horseshoe pit is. (Coypsyche@aol.com)

Spill your spittoon. (farmermaslen@hotmail.com) Wow, this place IS fancy...festooned with spittoons and all.

"Do you take food stamps?" (doc1x1@yahoo.com)

Say things like, "This ain't no country club! Where's the Country music?" (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

Mention Michael Moore. (fparsons@yahoo.com) Well, you can mention him...you just can't mention you AGREE with him.

Dare your buddy to stick his tongue on the butt of the swan ice sculpture. (SPTirish@aol.com)

"Jeez...normally when there's so many swanky cars around...I steal me one o' them!" (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

"Woah...no wonder this wine sucks..it's 8 years old!" (RWich928@aol.com)

Never the berry spoon...you don't want to appear backwoodsy...

Go around with a silver soup spoon in your mouth, exclaiming that you're 'one of them' now. (tainsam@aol.com)