(updated 12 Jul 04)
Things Not To Say and/or Do At A Swanky Country Club
(Topic suggested by firstname.lastname@example.org)
"Sure throw me out, but someday, mark my words, someday I'll ask you if you'd like fries with that?" (email@example.com)
Reveal that you're a Democrat, Libertarian, Green or Independent (MooseSpeak@netscape.net)
So I guess a camper's blow is out of the question? (Camper's blow = blowing one's nose without a tissue or hankie.) (DRGNTMR@AOL.COM) Damn...I was told this was known as an "air hanky"...talk about an embarrassing faux pas!
When you see the waiter across the room, shout "Hey Dude, Gimme a plate o' wings and a pitcher o' Bud!" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Double-dip after you've taken a bite from a potato or tortilla chip at a soirée. (email@example.com) Chips? How gauche. Obviously, you meant crudités. Now off with you - and don't return until you've read an entire etiquette book.
Slap the wait staff on the tush. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
When they hand you a wine cork...dab it on both sides of your neck. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
"Can I see the Kosher menu?" (email@example.com)
Piss your initials in the sand traps. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The whole Grey Poupon bit. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
"Yo dude! Ya, you with the penguin duds on! When does the funeral music get over??" (SIS15OKTT@AOL.COM) ...Which then nicely segues into...
"When are they going to play Alice in Chains in this place?" (SevenButterflies@hotmail.com) Uh, probably about the same time they adopt a Kosher menu.
Visit several and say you're "clubbing." (email@example.com)
"You would think for a 50 thousand dollar a year membership this place would provide hookers!!" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
"Fo shizzle ma' nizzle." (MedCheryl@aol.com)
Ask where the horseshoe pit is. (Coypsyche@aol.com)
Spill your spittoon. (email@example.com) Wow, this place IS fancy...festooned with spittoons and all.
"Do you take food stamps?" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Say things like, "This ain't no country club! Where's the Country music?" (email@example.com)
Mention Michael Moore. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Well, you can mention him...you just can't mention you AGREE with him.
Dare your buddy to stick his tongue on the butt of the swan ice sculpture. (SPTirish@aol.com)
"Jeez...normally when there's so many swanky cars around...I steal me one o' them!" (email@example.com)
"Woah...no wonder this wine sucks..it's 8 years old!" (RWich928@aol.com)
Never the berry spoon...you don't want to appear backwoodsy...
Go around with a silver soup spoon in your mouth, exclaiming that you're 'one of them' now. (firstname.lastname@example.org)