(updated 19 Nov 03)

Well, we have all read those "You might be a redneck if...." Jeff Foxworthy lists, and if you remember Johnny Carson, you undoubtedly remember the "It was so cold today..." piece in his monologue periodically. Well, we've decided to use the "You might be a ....." and a variation of the other in our "You know it's.....when...." contest. So we will probably alternate these two, as I can't see doing one exclusively...at least not for the time being. Maybe we will drop one, but for now, that's the plan for the next three or so months this time around.

Now, we don't have a name for this double-up contest, so we would appreciate it if you could help us out. If we choose your contest name, we will give you 25 RA, and, what the heck, we'll even throw in an origami for your troubles. Please send both your entries to the contest and your proposed contest names via this link. Hopefully you will enjoy this contest...I really hate to see DeFUNitions go, but it had a long run, and will come back one day.

You might be a hypochondriac if...

...you have a walk-in medicine cabinet. (TerriKlein@aol.com; cdmauger@aol.com)

...your other vehicle is an Ambulance. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

...a Martini will cure what you don't have. (RWich928@aol.com) Hey, it can't hurt! ;)

...your tongue swells up enormously, but only when no one's looking. (Aliciav29@aol.com)

...you think you'll die if you eat the pizza leftover from last night...and you did it at least 50 other mornings, and lived. (tackajoey@aol.com)

...your idea of good perfume involves a base of metholyptus. (AhOLHOL@aol.com) Do you like it...it's the new fragrance by HALLSton.

...you're so afraid of sexually transmitted diseases, you rule out masturbation. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

I am really too sick to reply to this one... keep me in your prayers.. greg... (gregparsons1968@aol.com)

...you put Robitussin on your corn flakes. (cdmauger@aol.com)

...your pill holder comes with the option of a carry strap or wheels. (tireddebb@aol.com) Unfortunately lifting more than 5 lbs hurts your back, hernia, and is especially harsh on your atrophied muscles.

...you think the reason your HMO submission wasn't chosen was because you couldn't think of a witty response...because you have a BRAIN TUMOR! (Truckerex@wmconnect.com)

...you have so many medical ID necklaces that you are mistaken for Mr. T! (cshaw3752@aol.com)

...when hearing that you might be a hypochondriac you immediately go to the doctor to see if you have a disease called Hypochondria. (hethr81@aol.com)

...it took me eight hours to write this because I had to wash my hands every time I thought about touching the keyboard. (arch_deceiver@hotmail.com)

...your favorite singer is Placebo Domingo (polaris75@aol.com)

...80 year old women don't even want to hear about your ailments. (jrgracey1@aol.com)

Plus, everyone asks you why the numbers 1 and 9 are worn off your phone...

...you dial 911 and the operator answers "NOW what?" (toohip4rm@aol.com)