(updated 20 Jun 04)

Things Not To Say and/or Do At A Big Father's Day Get-Together

Say, "I just can't get into the spirit of this occasion because, again, the milkman wasn't invited." (chharget@aol.com)

Arrive with a box of Q-tips and take a DNA swab before you give your dad a present. (pjb1671@netscape.net)

"I'm only here for the child support." (not2greedy69@aol.com)

Decorate using Mothers' Day items that have 'Mother' crossed out and 'Father' penned in...in felt tip. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

"Wow..six kids? I guess that finally puts to rest all of the rumors that you were gay." (RWich928@aol.com)

Drive up in a Maserati and point out it's cheaper than raising a kid and doesn't pierce itself. (Seeker@vcoms.net) Well, not if they keep raising gas prices it won't.

Give him two presents for him to open in front of everyone: a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret and a round-trip ticket to Denmark! (Brenn53@aol.com)

"Dad, can you raise my allowance...my welfare check just isn't cutting it." (maxcel200@aol.com)

Suggest driving by the local orphanage to yell out "who's YOUR daddy?" (PastLivesR6@aol.com) Something tells me you are the life of every party.

Repeatedly call him "Motherf***er." (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

"Dad, I'd like you to meet Hilda. She's the CEO of Melodie Springs Retirement Community..." (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Repeatedly point to several cousins and make comments about how much they all look like your dad. (kayladykay@aol.com) Then comment about how much you don't...it will give you a reason to look forward to that big Mother's Day party next year.

Bring your shrink to the get-together to meet "the monster." (marymarg27608@yahoo.com)

"This is the very reason I tell everyone NOT to buy cheap condoms." (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

"Kids, I've gotta tell you something... you were all adopted!" (murdoctor@aol.com)

Sure it's loads of fun...and when anyone asks you about it, just nervously look around and then do a little forced laugh...

Flinch whenever your dad raises his arm near you... (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)