(updated 21 Feb 04)

You might not have long to live if...
(Topic suggested by tainsam@aol.com)

...Anna Nicole Smith shows sudden romantic interest in you. (StanYan1@aol.com; ahines3103@aol.com)

...you have a $3 million life-insurance policy that your wife knows about. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

...your doctor gives you a referral to a mortician. (watch4whales@yahoo.com)

...you get your "best ideas" from watching "Jackass." (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

...your wife suggests that you blow-dry your hair in the shower to save time. (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com) Worse yet...you're bald.

...your doctor insists you pay in cash...in advance. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)

...you smoke full flavor cigarettes, eat bacon, drive a Ford Explorer with Firestone tires and have asbestos drywall. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com) Uh, didn't you forget the fact that you have never exercised a day in your life?

...after telling you you'll be on it for the rest of your life, the doctor gives you a "no refills" prescription. (skibip@aol.com)

...on a trip to Little Italy, you're heard saying; "Sinatra was so overrated!" (MrglsJon@aol.com)

...you hold your breath 'til you win "Finish Line". (BPaul317@aol.com) Or until I update...yeah yeah, I'll get back into the swing of things eventually...hopefully.

...you've been scared half to death twice. (mychickenlips@aol.com)

...you are keeping your fingers crossed for a call from the governor... (brett32577@aol.com)

...if you come home with heart-shaped dish sponges on Valentine's Day. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

...everyone's being nice to you. (xodox3000@hotmail.com)

...the phrase "I don't care if you ARE in the Mafia" has ever come out of your mouth. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

...you become Spinal Tap's newest drummer. (JHGRocker@aol.com)

Well, at least your HMO is paying SOME attention to you...

...the doctors have been referring to you as "The Organ Donor". (murdoctor@aol.com)