(updated 4 Aug 04)

Things Not To Say and/or Do at the Opera
(Topic suggested by william.fishburne@verizon.net)

"Hey!! There are A LOT of fat ladies singin' here!! How do I know when this darn this is over?!!?" (Hartspill@aol.com; spamalope@access4less.net)

Put a Greek fruit on seats A-1 thru A-10. You know Fig a row. (mashallaha@aol.com) Hey, sometimes they are so bad they are good.

Swing down on a rope, steal the Prima Donna, drag her down into your cave in the sewers, and play creepy music to her until a bunch of people arrive to kill you. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Say, "Hey, I thought this was Rocky Horror...Oh well," and throw everything you brought in the air. (farmermaslen@Hotmail.com)

Accompany the performers with armpit noises. They don't like that. Oddly enough, they wont shake your hand afterwards either. (fparsons@yahoo.com) You know...class like this just can't be bought.

Attempt to incite the crowd into doing "the wave". (murdoctor@aol.com; missinmayberry@aol.com)

Howl like a dog when the fat lady sings. (dakotadave57104@yahoo.com; Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Wear your T-shirt with a painted-on Tuxedo. (william.fishburne@verizon.net; robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

"Dude, where's my Car-men?" (Airfarcewon@aol.com) It's almost worth the money to have your car valet parked just to say this...if the valet would have a clue.

Stand up and yell, "Hey, this is America. Can't you guys sing in English?" (pjb1671@netscape.net; jdcoops3@aol.com)

Sound like an expert: "I know all there is to know about this opera...except for aria 51, that's classified information ... of course." (maxcel200@aol.com)

Wait until a very quiet moment, and then whisper loudly to your date, "Opera? I thought we were going to see Oprah!" (pjb1671@netscape.net; RasGold@cox.net)

"Everybody sing along! Come on, we all know the words!" (murdoctor@aol.com)

Ask your wife to stand up and sing so that everyone will think it's over. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com) Ouch...good luck later on tonite if she reads this, bucko.

Yell "Elmer and Bugs did this scene 10 times better!!!" (monetmonet@artlover.com)

Every time someone hits a high note, smash a glass bottle... (stingray678@yahoo.com)

Walk the aisles shouting "Earplugs! Get yer official earplugs here and you won't have to hear any more. Only two dollars!" (farmermaslen@hotmail.com)

Shout out to Madam Butterfly: "Nice pair of falsettos!" (maxcel200@aol.com) No no no...that's M. Butterfly.

Try to toss breath mints into the mouths of the singers during long notes. (darkmanwork@hotmail.com)

Hold up a lighter and yell "Freeebirrrrd!!!" (MrglsJon@aol.com; khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Ask loudly: "How can a guy who's dying sing for so long?" (tphyll@aol.com)

Suck on a lemon. (dorr@jam.rr.com) Talk about them hitting some sour notes.

"Jeez, mom. You said my rock music was bad cuz you couldn't understand the words. What do you call this garbage?" (darkmanwork@hotmail.com)

"When do the Marx Brothers come on?" (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com; L1061S@go.com)

Proof positive that with enough alcohol, you can get people to do anything...

Have you and six of your buddies show up with the letters F A T L A D Y written across your bare chests. (fealy@verizon.net)