(updated 21 Apr 06) 

The reports of my death...

The reports of my death... for the 7th time are making my life insurance companies really upset. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

The reports of my death...were so touching I didn't have the heart not to hide out for a few years. (tpanner@hotmail.com) Hiding out here, huh?

The reports of my death... appear to have been greatly celebrated. (murdoctor@aol.com)

The reports of my death...are due on Monday. Five pages, typed.. have a nice weekend kids! (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

The reports of my death...were quickly followed by comments such as, "wonder where they're going to find a headstone shaped like a urinal." (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) Uh...yeah, I'm wondering, too.

The reports of my death...actually caused it.... (L1061S@GO.COM)

The reports of my death... must be why I'm flying down to Rio with a fat check from my insurance company! (rochford@netaus.net.au)

The reports of my death... devastated the credit card industry. (edprocoat@msn.com)

The reports of my death...sadly will not list having been among those who set the Guinness record for most people wearing Groucho Marx glasses simultaneously as my greatest accomplishment. (JTulli@Juno.com) Hey, look...someone reads my site!

The reports of my death....won't be coming from me. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

The reports of my death...are morgue-ifying. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) If you weren't already dead I'd come and kill you for that.

The reports of my death...were filed to my HMO, but due to a processing error, I'm not allowed to die until 2021. (jaberwock@yahooy.com)

The reports of my death...along with Monica Lewinsky are overblown. (tphyll@aol.com) ...and Colin Farrell.

The reports of my death...are highly exaggerated but the Colonel says that's good business and it's going to buy me a whole passel of cheeseburgers. Love Elvis (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com)

The reports of my death... may contain various samples of my DNA, dental records, a few carpet fibers, a strand of hair, a miniscule amount of gun powder... no wait... that was last week's CSI... nevermind. (holtbolt@comcast.net)

The reports of my death...earned the hitman $500. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) And you didn't have the extra $1.50 to outbid them?

The reports of my death...are only rumors spread by my hopeful mother-in-law. (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com; GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

The reports of my death...aren't going to work when I want to play hookey from my job. (wintermaza@hotmail.com) Okay...silly true story: When I was working on base, one day when I was "sick"...one of Air Force guys put up a little cartoon behind my desk saying "Poor Mariann, she used up all her sick leave and had to call in dead today."

The reports of my death...would be a welcome alternative to how I really felt the morning after. (skibip@aol.com)

The reports of my death....aren't true. Signed, Paul McCartney. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) We see how old YOU are.

The reports of my death... will serve as the plot line for next week's ep of "Law and Order". (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

The reports of my death... will hopefully not include 16 feathers, a jar of marmalade, and a backed-up septic tank. (thedraugr@yahoo.com) Well...maybe you can try this instead...

The reports of my death...include a hooker, a grizzly bear, empty boxes of Pop-Tarts, and hastily assembled trapeze equipment. You can't get much better than that. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The reports of my death...will probably have "So?", "Whatever", or coffee stains indelibly marked on them, somewhere! (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

The reports of my death... are telling me that maybe it's time to "slow down". (ThunderHorse68@aol.com)

The reports of my death...are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!!! (Seriously, why'd they give away the plot twist in the ads??) (leissuit@msn.com)

The reports of my death...have done absolutely nothing to reduce the amount of SPAM I receive. (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

And for only $100, you too can get HMO to report your death...

The reports of my death...completely fulfill my obligation in that "'till death do us part", thing as far as I'm concerned. (ThunderHorse68@aol.com)