(updated 27 Sep 04) 

...stay out of the kitchen.

If you cook like my wife...stay out of the kitchen. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; deweyever@attbi.com)

The first rule of the Bronx Diet...stay out of the kitchen. (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com; Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

If you don't want to find out that my secret ingredient is an octopus...stay out of the kitchen. (dart270@geocities.com) Better octopus than arsenic.

Except for Hansel and Gretel, children should...stay out of the kitchen. (scalpel@aol.com)

If you can't stand the cleanup...stay out of the kitchen. (chharget@aol.com; arch_deceiver@hotmail.com)

If you don't like the sight of mice and cockroaches crawling over YOUR food when you dine out... ..stay out of the kitchen. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

If you cook like Elly May Clampett...stay out of the kitchen. (dorr@jam.rr.com)

If you can't work for minimum wage...stay out of the kitchen. (davidgotribe@aol.com)

Walking around the house with your pants around your ankles looking for toilet paper?...stay out of the kitchen. (litig8you@yahoo.com) Thanks for that visual.

If your refrigerator has turned into a science experiment...stay out of the kitchen. (chefrandy@charter.net)

If you're cleaning with a toilet brush...stay out of the kitchen. (customerwaller@cox.net)

If you're a Jewish Princess, your lifetime goal is to... ..stay out of the kitchen. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

If you're cooking bacon or anything else in the nude...stay out of the kitchen. (Rabdreadr@aol.com; Truckerex@insightbb.com)

Unless it's game night and I need a beer, I ...stay out of the kitchen. (Rabdreadr@aol.com)

If you're English...stay out of the kitchen. (kesadilla@hotmail.com)

Hey Martha, it's time to go to jail and...stay out of the kitchen. (SPTirish@aol.com; jdcoops3@aol.com)

If you don't want to see grandma sweat like a big fat pig on Thanksgiving, then...stay out of the kitchen. (davidgotribe@aol.com) So, are you trying to tell me we are having "big fat pig" for dinner?

Mom and I are, um, busy in here, Junior, so...stay out of the kitchen. (tphyll@aol.com)

If you consider Taco Bell to be gourmet...stay out of the kitchen. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

If you're not going to wear that French maid outfit I bought you...stay out of the kitchen. (tackajoey@aol.com)

If the wife is bitchin...stay out of the kitchen. (beutlerjulie@hotmail.com)

Boy, that Real Estate Seller Disclosure Act is a bitch sometimes...

No, the rest of the house is poltergeist free...just...stay out of the kitchen. (gastlamba@hotmail.com)