News That's Unfair & Off-Balance
(updated 10 Mar 07)
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New Pussy Findings Down Under
(Low-down via Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Sydney, Australia (AAP) -- Sydney Tech infectious disease researcher Nicky Boulter's new research exposes some of used kitty litter's mind-altering properties. In Australasian Science magazine, he reports that the Toxoplasma gondii parasite, carried by many cats, "Not only can harm pregnant women (as was previously known) but also can lower the IQ of men & make women more promiscuous."
(Story scooped up by firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sorry about the delay, gang.... my wife's been trying to kill me.
Plus, we just got another cat.
A parasite lowers men's IQ's! All the long I thought it was just the blood rushing from the one head to the other. (GerriHan65@aol.com)
That's exactly what we don't need: a bunch of promiscuous women running around with the men too stupid to do anything about it. (MindgameFiziks@hotmail.com)
So it's actually natural and defensive that guys want to haze the family cat and kick its ass out of the damn house. (email@example.com) No, no.... that's what you do with your mother-in-law.
Hah! Like I need help from kitty litter! (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)
So, if someone was to throw used kitty litter at you, could they be charged with felinious assault? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
If curiosity will kill the cat, smelling it will keep you out of the Ivy League. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Best chances: At Brown.
So stating that "I am a 'cat' person" really takes on new meaning. (email@example.com)
When president Bush heard about this, he barred cats from the White House because he doesn't want to catch the toxoplasma gondii parasite or anything else that he can't pronounce. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The whole country is now asking, does Laura Bush keep cats? (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org) Better question: Why does she keep GEORGE?
Hell, booze can do the same thing and it tastes a hell of a lot better. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org, & many other "liquor-quickers")
Now the cat has your tongue AND is turning your ass into a blithering idiot. (email@example.com)
Or, as we call it in the States, "Budweiser." (firstname.lastname@example.org) True that; I always thought Bud tastes like shit. Or like making love in a canoe.
If I could figure out how to get this crap into a woman's drink, I'd buy a cat. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Baloney! I empty my cat litter box daily, and my IQ hasn't dropped below 35.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
But does it come in assorted flavors? (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com) Honestly, if I had any class at all, I wouldn't answer that. I'll try to fight it, try, try...
At least now, we have proof that some pussies are harmful to human males. (GerriHan65@aol.com)
Fresh Step Kitty Litter . . . it's Australian for POON. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Why does it seem that everything involving pussy also involves a lot of bad crap? (email@example.com) Some say that God is a woman....
I can't think of a clever HMO entry. Plus, I can't get my wife off me. We have a cat. Who needs Sydney Tech? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I was infected by the Mahatma Gondii parasite, which caused me to lose weight and give all my money away to promiscuous women. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
And what's sexier than a promiscuous woman who smells like a litter box? (email@example.com) One with a lot of spare cash.
Yes, this is the reason the Chesire Cat smiles: 'cause he just took a dump and is now messing with your mind...and your wife. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
You mean men had an IQ? (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org & a gazillion testy others)
He apparently hasn't met the cat lady next door to me! Promiscuous, she ain't! (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org) She's 83. Is that what you really want?
I have a sneaking suspicion that lobbing a handful of used-kitty litter at my wife is less likely to make her more promiscuous, and most likely to result in an agonizing kick to the groin. Call it a hunch. (email@example.com)
Ohhh, so THAT'S what happened to Mel Gibson. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
"What's that drink's name again, sweety?" "My cool baby gal, it's called 'Promiskaniite'." (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)
Flavors: "Dark Chocolate", "Constipasty", "Spunky Chunky", "Stank Smoothie", "Clumpity Dump", "Diarrhea Dream" and "Sweet Pee".
So much for my last shred of class....
The makers of Tidy Cat have subsequently reported that their product is selling like hot "urine" cakes/clumps. Trouble is, they can't pinpoint their target group.. but what the hell, as long as it's selling! (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
Not only that, every time the patient starts to walk past a Chinese restaurant, he or she feels a strong compulsion to cross the street. (AuntShecky711@aol.com)
Ok , now I see why my boyfriend got me a cat and a 50 pound bag of kitty litter for Valentines Day. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Or, because you live in Alabama.
Presidental Secret Service is on the look out for someone sending "W" two pet cats. If received, the White House quack predicts the president could go completely brain dead. (email@example.com)
I believe there may have been some faulty research involved here. My studies show that promiscuous women lower men's IQs, which explains why I had someone else submit this answer. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
In related news - a riot has broke out in the local PetCO where it seems that both men and women are trying to force feed each other Tidy Cat. (ALazyWhiteBoy@aol.com)
AHA! I always suspected that Barry Manilow records were made out of some kind of crap.. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yeah, that explains a lot....
A litter dab'll do ya. (email@example.com)
The New Date checklist: Romantic Music - check soft lights - check Wine - Check cleaned the cat box - Nope - Check (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Forget the IQ; can they send some samples to my wife? (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com) A lot of you guys seem to be missing the point: "Promiscuous" means they'll be boinking every guy in sight, not just you!
Unless you're into that, in which case I'll be needing some video for "research".
So THAT explains what's wrong with my mother-in-law... and all of her ex-husbands. (email@example.com)
Hmm, that still doesn't help me.. my only hope is the women's IQ will be lowered sufficiently enough to be promiscuous with me. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Yeah, but those menthol crystals smell soooo good! (email@example.com) Crystal menth- AHA!! You've discovered the secret ingredient!
So that's why Calvin Klein Eternity smells like cat piss! To make you stupid enough to pay $75 a bottle and women horny enough to make you. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Some women are natural "whippers":
The fun part of this is telling men that the only cure is to shove the old kitty litter up their ass and cough it out of their mouths, and having them be dumb enough to try. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)
The Co-Silver Shytekickers - Well, hers HAS been seen everywhere lately:
If the study concludes that it turns men into idiots and women into whores, can we conclude that Britney Spears must have had a cat ranch in her house? (Truckerex@insightbb.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)
And our Golden Gunkchunker - Quod erat demonst-- hell, I forget how it goes:
And how do we know this parasite affects a man's IQ? It's obvious...the man who conducted the study doesn't know because he lost a few IQ points to come to this conclusion. In other words, he doesn't know what he's talking about. (email@example.com)