News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 10 May 06)

Hosted by Bucko

No Yakuzas! Just A Flesh in Japan
(Headline enforced by AuntShecky711@aol.com)

TOKYO, JAPAN (London Times) -- Hundreds of Yakuza gangsters are nearing retirement age; so, the Ministry of Health, Labor, & Welfare has drafted rules for aging mob "workers" to qualify for benefits. Since organized crime leaves no employment paper trail, ex-mobsters must provide a letter of retirement from their crime boss. Some forms of partial proof: gang tattoos, criminal records, & missing finger tips (the traditional Yakuza punishment for mistakes).
(Most dishonorable topic from LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

Wedding Special Edition! So, blame the late update on my sister, who for some strange reason felt she wanted to get married. Go figure…

I dunno . . wouldn't the simple fact that you LIVED until retirement age prove that you weren't a gangster? (cdmauger@aol.com; moonwolfnsc@aol.com)

Wouldn't this be a great oppotunity to ARREST THEM?? (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) What, you're going to apply logic to a government program? Daphne, Daphne, Daphne....

Hmmmmmm.....it sounds like these Yakuza gangsters are all Democrats. (WJKbase@aol.com) Don't be ridiculous! These days, only the Republicans throw money around like that!

With the Yakuza Baby Boomers entering their retirement years, ex-members are hoping that any (remaining) bosses will attach, to any recommendations for benefits, some sizeable tips to the Ministry along with some rice cakes, soy sauce, vinegar and lots of wasabi. (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

The death knell of a gangster, from breaking the bank to breaking the hip. (As someone living in Japan right now, this is hysterical) (wtlegis@yahoo.com) Hmmm.... the Pacific Ocean must've dampened the joke down....

Wait 'til they fill out their forms for Medicare Part D drugs. (tphyll@aol.com)

Thus the lines between government and organized crime blur even further. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) WHAT lines?

Blue Cross of Japan still refuses to cover fingertip replacement surgery in its Yakuza blanket plan. (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

Apparently a lot of homeless Japanese have been chopping off their little fingers and coming forward to receive some pretty sweet retirement benefits. (tpanner@hotmail.com) The REALLY smart ones took up a collection at a leper colony.

Uh huh.... did they pay TAXES on their income? (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

Do they have a Brooklyn branch? "Yakuza me of dat crime?" (mashallaha@aol.com)

Why don't they do like gangstas here in the U.S. and just become rap artists?..or in Japan, would that be lap artists? (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Lap artists make a hell of a lot more money.... then again, who wants a 70-year-old lap artist?

In other news, hundreds of Yakuza crime bosses are ratted out by senile ex-mobsters trying to qualify for benefits. (dorr@jam.rr.com)

Upon hearing this, President Bush suggested reforming Social Security by making it mandatory for those reaching retirement age to get a Yakuza tattoo and move to Japan. (stan@squidworks.com)

Dammit, my boss is floating in the river, I ain't got no references. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Plus, your grammar sucks.

But she's worth every penny!

WHAT??!!

I'd say this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I live near Washington DC. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

The hookers are furious because they're getting nothing except f**ked over. (strontium901@juno.com)

Did someone say,"STING". (ubinrude@peoplepc.com; wtlegis@yahoo.com) Paging Gordon Sumner!

A really good Joe Pesci impression will also be accepted. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

Crime boss letter of retirement: "Hiroshi Ito has been dutifully murdering, torturing and maiming now for the past 25 years for the Kobayashi crime family. Included is a collection of thumbs, big toes, teeth, torn out fingernails, blood stained knives, and the directions to various buried remains -- some of his best work to date. Signed, Kenji Kobayashi" (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Typical day at the Ministry: "So you're all here to vouch for the gangster, Yoshi. Your name? Knuckles. I see. And yours? Knuckles. And yours? Knuckles. And yours? Knuckles. And yours..." (maxcel200@aol.com) This is too stressful! Someone got a joint?

Some Yakuzas have started asking victims to sign a letter of reference before killing them. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

Unfortunately, the only benefits offered are bit parts in the next Steven Segal Movie. (fparsons@yahoo.com)

"Uh, Boss would ja' write me up a excuse for da' benefit place? Just say I'm too old to whack anybody, anymore.." (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Poor slob, he can only whack himself now....

Please excuse Big Ching How from da mob, an' put him on retirement, as da bum is just too old to pull jobs no more..Tanks, Signed...Da boss (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Like I said, the only job he can still "pull" is his own.

Why the hell should the Japanese people pay them a pension AND protection money? (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Finger tips? Ha! Where I grew up, they cut below the belt, man! (strontium901@juno.com)

Socialism at its finest. (jrgracey1@aol.com) Hold it! If it was socialism, then the crime industry would be state-owned. That's not Japan, that's America!

They got the idea from the pension plan for Congressmen and Senators. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com; maxcel200@aol.com)

Maybe a horse head would do (bjjtoff@tds.net) Yeah? Would YOU give a horse head?

...however, our undercover source on this information was unavailable for comment because of some sleeping disorder; the Japanese note made mention of something to do with slumbering with most honorable carp. (j_perreaux@hotmail.com)

The Peevedbody Award – I got your finger right here!:

Coincidentally, the number of new Wendy's openings have skyrocketed. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize – Hey, they sell “Virginity Restoration” there too, so:

My Company called "Missy Phinger Tips" Will Sell New Tips To Identify You So You Can Retire. Visit Our Web Site For A Confidential Visit. Our Slogan: "We Don't Give Tips To Waiters Or Cops." Prices negotiable, American Dollars only. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner: “Privatized” Social Insecurity:

This is bull! They don't need benefits, let them make money the old fashioned way, running a protection racket in the old folks' home. ("That's a nice porcelain doll, Michiko, shame if it were to be knocked over by my cane as I was passing by...") (wtlegis@yahoo.com)