News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 10 Sep 06)

Hosted by Bucko

He Who Wafts Last, Wafts Best
(Stinker of a headline by maxcel200@aol.com)

WEST MILFORD, W VA (ABC/AP News) -- A dead & decaying cow got caught on a tree at the town's dam. It putrefied there for weeks, the stench wafting over a wide area; 5 government agencies rejected pleas to remove it. It was outside City limits; the Dept. of Natural Resources only does wild animals; Environmental Protection Dept.: "No ecological danger."; the Agriculture Dept. called it "a local issue"; even the Water Board refused. Finally, volunteer firefighters removed it.

And no one's seen Valerie Plame in weeks . . . (seeker@vcoms.net)

You KNOW firehouse chili is the best!! (luganrn77@yahoo.com; lsamarri@aol.com & a herd of hot-headed others)

An autopsy of the cow revealed that it didn't have a nose. How did it smell? Awful!!! (rsherman@netplexgroup.com) I cannot believe that YOU sent this entry! ;)

Would you drunk hillbillies quit tossing your dead cows up in the trees? (mashallaha@aol.com)

In unrelated news, the West Milford volunteer Fire Department announced a spur-of-the-moment decision to host an all-city barbecue. (skibip@aol.com; shep@compascable.net & others we grilled)

If the Dept. of Natural Resources "only do wild animals", I'd like to see what their wives look like. (luganrn77@yahoo.com; tpanner@hotmail.com) Oooooooo! ("M" optional)

You don't know how to approach these guys! I sent my sexiest girl to the Environmental Protection Dept and reminded the Chairman he was not "protected" when he banged my best girl. The cow will be removed faster then you can say, "Trojan." (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

It impaled itself on its "Eat Mor Chikin" sign. (jdcoops3@aol.com)

With apologies to Clara Peller: "Where's the beef?" (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Exactly ONE "WTB?" entry got picked.... for remembering the woman's NAME!

West Milford: We've got a BEEF! Local agencies: What's the BEEF? DNR: Not OUR BEEF. EPA: There IS no BEEF. Water Board: BEEF not OUR problem. Fire Dept: WHERE'S THE BEEF? (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

The Cow Mafia called it a legitimate hit. (guitartexn@aol.com)

OK...how about "How did a fricking cow get in a tree?" (jaberwock@yahooy.com; tphyll@aol.com & a couple. OTHERS, couple of OTHERS) You tell us; your fingerprints were all over the beast, BOTH of you!

The Bush administration also refused, since it wouldn't benefit the rich. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Are you sure this happened in West Virginia? .Sounds more like New York...Rotterdam (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Oh my God! They removed the cow? That was the only thing plugging the crack. (tpanner@hotmail.com) (Insert the obscene "crack" comeback that I couldn't sneak past Cad. DAMMIT!)

Since then, Rosie O'Donnell has been permanently barred from swimming in the city's reservoir. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com; strontium901@juno.com)

All they needed here was a good cowpoke.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) You are one sick bastard....

I'm sure those firefighters had a good time. Who could resist trying to remove 400 lbs of dried jerky from a tree with a superpowered water hose? :) (thedraugr@gmail.com)

Nothing funnier that a wafting cow...except maybe a wafting hyena. (maxel200@aol.com) OY! Hargenen mich izt!

The Bush administration also refused, as they'd just heard that some kind of storm hit New Orleans very recently. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com; holtbolt@comcast.net)

Another job for "Animal Control Without Borders". (seeker@vcoms.net)

What's really missing from this story is how a bovine ended up on the tree in the first place. I suspect someone opened a Schlitz Malt Liquor can and.. *FWAP* Never mind... (thedraugr@gmail.com)

I guess Humor Me Online will milk this story for all it's worth. (tphyll@aol.com) Why should this one be any different?

Man.... always the gripes about "milking stories", "beating a dead horse".... what we do with animals is OUR bus-- uh, is all taken care of by Leis. Yeah, that's it!

In related news... 78 dead bodies have been discovered caught on a tree in the towns dam. 28 from five local government agencies, 17 city officials, 12 worked at the Department of Natural Resources, 9 from the Agriculture Dept., 11 were serving on the water board and one was just a local ass-whole who had it coming. Volunteer firefighters have released the comment they will look into it just as soon as they finished washing the 'f**king stench from the cow' out of their clothes, hands and hair. (CoyPsyche@aol.com)

It wasn't close enough to election time for any Gov't officials to.. (I apologize)... Have a cow. :) (thedraugr@gmail.com) This is Mediacrity, Smedley! We NEVER apologize!

No ecological danger? "Hey Billy, let's go play in that maggot-ridden cow carcass. I dug a really cool cave." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

And were quickly sued by the same 5 agencies for stepping into their jurisdictions. (rampage1984@msn.com) Joined by Homeland Security.... who seem to have no idea in hell of what they're doing anyway.

Snipe at me all ya want, these are the people who gave more money for defense to Kansas than NYC. Talk about udder bull-shit.... It curdles me blood!

It really would have been funny if City Hall had burned down while the volunteer firefighters were removing the cow. (tphyll@aol.com)

Of course, this answers the age-old question of whatever happened to that cow in the movie "Twister". (guitartexn@aol.com) BUT- we're still not sure if there was one or TWO cows, are we? Not as clever as you thought, huh?

How Now Brown Cow? Wow! A Row over How to move Cow! A Plow? No How. Wipe Brow. A Sow, or Bow Wow? Can't Allow. POW!! FD here Now! Wow! ... Ciao! (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

The Peevedbody Award – Better than launching a "nucular attack":

President Bush thought "putrefied" and "petrified" were the same and tried to make the dam a National Park site so he could open it up for oil drilling (bjjtoff@yahoo.com)

The Co-Bullspitzer Prize – In other news, strategic stoneware & flatware nowhere to be found:

NASA issued a statement denying any knowledge of a bovine moon shot. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - AHA! Why Virginia let West Virgina go so easily:

Truth is, the smell of a dead cow is an improvement in West Virginia. On a similar note, the following week, a tornado hit town and did 8 million dollars' worth of improvements. (skibip@aol.com)