News That's Unfair & Off-Balance
(updated 12 Feb 07)
Hosted by Bucko
(Headline shafted in by firstname.lastname@example.org)
Bucharest, Romania (Metro.co.uk) -- In a fit of stressed-out rage, Dr. Naum Ciomu cut off a patient's penis during some testicular surgery & proceeded to chop it into small pieces before storming out. He later claimed he'd "lost it" after he accidentally cut the man's urethra. Ciomu lost his license, & the court ordered the hospital to pay for the operation to rebuild his penis using tissue from his arm.
(Story pricked up by email@example.com)
I'll try to think of a funny comeback as soon as I pry my legs apart. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The operation was unsuccessful, so Mr. Franklin changed his first name to Urethra and commented to the hospital that "you make me feel like a natural woman" (email@example.com)
The Token Bobbitt Reference:
The victim later teamed up with John Bobbitt and performed at Superbowl halftime with their rendition of Randy Newman's "Short People." (firstname.lastname@example.org) Honestly, gang, you had to do more than just mention the name, in case people didn't re-member.
In other news, Romanian hospitals are preparing for a baby boom as hundreds of scheduled vasectomies are suddenly canceled. (email@example.com)
The doctor was guilty of staging a boycut. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I had the same problem; it works well, but my arm goes up when my new penis goes up. I am leaving for Bucharest to have a few words with the Doctor. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com; email@example.com) Being called "Joe, the Horny Slot Machine" can't be helping, either.
What would you call someone with testicles but no penis? I say Condoleeza Rice. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Rebuilding took a while, and it wasn't until the patient's first shtup that the erection was complete! (email@example.com)
I thought my HMO was bad, but his operation cost him and arm and a leg. (Well, I like to think of mine as a leg anyway.) (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
This has me worried. Is there such a thing as a penis firewall? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Wait a minute, the court ordered the hospital to pay for the operation to rebuild WHOSE penis? -- just a little note from the grammar fairy (email@example.com) OK, I admit it, I cut off a "dangling participle", and additionally confess that it's also nebulous as to whose ARM we're talking about.
Wait, use tissue from Ciomu's arm? (Mistahtom@aol.com) See? And:
Wait a minute - out of WHOSE arm? Would the patient want the doctor's arm in his wife's- you get the picture. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) All right, already, I get the point! Don't shove it down my throat!
Seriously, do NOT do that!
Women now go wild for the patient. "One finger, two fingers. Oh baby...give me the whole arm." (firstname.lastname@example.org) LEAVE IT, will ya? At least it's not a whole leg, like that photo in ImagineThat....
The patient later remarked he was hoping they'd have used his foot instead of his forearm. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) CUT IT THE HELL OUT!!
The patient found out the skin graft from his arm was a plus. He now has the only penis in Europe that can jerk itself off. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org & other crank-yankers)
Man! This story gives me the willies! (email@example.com) How many, exactly? And what the zark are you doing with them all?
When the arm tissue procedure did not work, the hospital had no choice but to use his entire arm to replace his penis. Ladies, the line starts in Vienna. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com, two guys, & lots of women up in arms, or vice versa)
They should have taken tissue from his foot if they want to re-boot a Wang! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
It seems to me fairness would dictate that his penis be rebuilt from Dr. Ciomu's penis. (email@example.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com & other dictators) The operation, of course, is called an "Addadiktomy". (I cannot believe none of you pervs sent that one, LOL)
The sponsor of the operation? Peterbilt, of course. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)
Every time he masturbates now, he gets carpel tunnel syndrome - twice! (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
The patient became the only man that could have sex and scratch his balls at the same time. (email@example.com) Any dog could have taught him that....
Good luck trying to explain why you have that "Mother" tattoo on your penis. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
I would have them include the fist when using the tissue from his arm, and go straight to the doctor's house and punch his wife in the mouth. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)
Honestly, at what point do doctors look at a guy's arm and say, "You know, that'd make a good whanger?" (email@example.com) Actually, the idea came from the doctors' wives.
I hope he has malpricktice insurance. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Assisting nurses could have stopped him, of course, but they were making fondue later. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)
Great. Now he'll describe himself in chat rooms at having eight cubits. (email@example.com) Ark, ark, ark!
On the bright side, having a penis made from an arm should guarantee him member-ship in the League of Extraordinary Genitals. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
This story is brought to you by....Spam!....also by Snap On Tools, and....hey, where are you going? We're LIVE here, man! (email@example.com)
Why couldn't I have had this man as my divorce lawyer? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - He can give you his real "Johnson" Hancock:
Further alarming his wife.. the man's new penis not only has a mind of its own, but can now sign his name, too. (email@example.com)
The Silver Shytekicker - It's the 'pendage with the bandage gives the goo that is true:
So, as Danny Kaye would say, the medic in his panic made the weenie pieces teeny, but the sword was restored from his arm without harm. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
And our Golden Gunkchunker - Where everybody knows your infame:
Scene in a Romanian bar as Dr. Ciomu arrives, all patrons yell: "Naum!". Bartender Woldy says "How's it hangin' Naum?" To which he answers, "I'm fine, but don't ask the guy I just operated on." (email@example.com)