News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 12 Mar 06)

Hosted by Bucko

SAME CONTEST, NEW NAME! Plus, a slogan in the bargain! MANY thanks to all who sent such GREAT new name suggestions; regrets that we couldn't use any. 1) We hit a LOT of overlap in Web searches, & 2) Others were just too similar to NYCM. So, Cad & I argued, uh, brainstormed for an hour to find something completely different (Only hits? A few bloggers who can't spell). An apt title: Each round, we delve into the media's most ridiculous news reports.... and then drag them down even further!

Beijing In The News: Phlegm At Eleven
(Header expectorated by ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

BEIJING, CHINA (Yahooy News) -- Beijing, STILL trying to "raise ethical & cultural" standards for the 2008 Olympics, is determined to stamp out "The city's most serious bad habit," said Zhang Huiguang, the Ethics Development Office's director: Widespread public spitting. Tourists often are startled at how many people spit or blow their noses onto sidewalks. Zhang said officials will "teach people the right way to spit." To help, volunteers will hand out small "spitting bags".
(Topic suggested by watchater88@hotmail.com)

Misunderstanding meaning of the term "Spitting Bags", citizens placed them in their mouths and spit them out, too. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Widespread Public Spitting .... didn't they used to open for The Ramones? (shep@compascable.net) Yep. Later changed their name to "The Boogerloos".

Some Chinese politicians wanted to go soft on the offenders, but others were real loogie hawks. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Blowing your nose on the sidewalk? I'd think after two or three, you'd not have much of a nose left to blow. (scalpel@aol.com)

Now all they have to do is to get them to quit crapping in the trash cans. The Chinese are a very earthy bunch. (tpanner@hotmail.com) Although:

Better than in France where people still crap on the sidewalk. (timamod@aol.com) And yet:

Oddly, no one has said anything about the wide-spread habit of urinating on the sidewalk (mikepena@verizon.net) But fortunately:

However, heroin usage is still permitted. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) And let's be thankful for:

The Ethics Committee felt the sidewalks should remain clean and clear to allow those fourteen year old streetwalkers to help stimulate the economy. (maxcel200@aol.com; e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

The colorful bags adorned with the words "Spit Happens" come in a handy 6 oz size for most spitters and and an extra large 12 oz size for tobbaco users. One Zhang official noted "we're still trying to come up with the booger bag, but you know, it's hard to come up with a cute phrase for boogers and snot". (holtbolt@comcast.net)

By 2008 they expect to have widespread public swallowing. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com; thedraugr@yahoo.com & others who couldn't hold it in) Noooo.... WAY too easy.

Officials say that the following week, time permitting, the focus will shift away from the "biggest bad habit" and on to the second-biggest bad habit of torture and human rights violations (amfpsych@aol.com)

Listen, any guy who can pick up a hunk of sidewalk to blow his nose on, I am NOT messing with! (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) What about the women? I like 'em feisty!

A TV program highlights the problem; it's called 'The Wide World of Sputum'..with the slogan, "The Thrill of Spittery, and The Agony of De Feet." (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Remarkably, the spitting bags have become a new type of collectible, with much competition to obtain the "rarer" types of bags. It has not decreased the actual spitting however, as no one wants to mess up such a nice little bag. (agapeagent@yahoo.com) This just in: The bags, which are made of fine silk, coincide with the complete disappearance of Chinese sows' ears.

Then I guess it's okay to own and manage a "sweat shop" as long as everyone doesn't spit. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

They have launched the offical campagin: WWBS? or "Where would Buddha spit?" (mikepena@verizon.net) Easy: Down the Middle of the Path.

The public fornication, however, generally draws applause from tourists. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

I think we should send some Catholic School nuns over to slap people on the wrist with a ruler every time they spit in public. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) No, no! They use metal-tipped yardsticks!

If it wasn't for fear of being shot, we could seriously use those spitting bags in Texas... (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

When the spitting bags were found to be cumbersome and impractical, Zhang's playful, but questionable solution was just to have everyone spit onto the startled tourists. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The Peevedbody Award - Well, it could easily have been from the GOP:

Damn! I thought that "hot stock tip" for "Scumbags Inc." e-mail was spam! (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize - I THOUGHT those bags looked familiar. "Ribbed for your spitting pleasure"??:

Officials are hoping their instructions for the use of the spitting bags are more successful than "The Condom Awareness Campaign" of the late 1970's. (Chick65@aol.com)

And the Co-IgNobel Prize Winners - Another American industry shot to hell:

Communist, my ass! With their tendency towards piracy they're just going to let it dry, grind it up, and market it as "nickel bags" to the unsuspecting Games tourists, thereby starting a whole new private enterprise. (paracletus3@earthlink.net; WJKbase@aol.com)