News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 13 Jan 07)

Hosted by Bucko

'The Beijing Of Pigs' Invasion
(Bungled by the CIA & Airfarcewon@aol.com)

BEIJING, CHINA (Reuters) -- In celebration of the upcoming Year of the Pig, Chinese scientists at N.E. Agricultural University have successfully bred partially green fluorescent pigs. Genetic material from jellyfish was injected into embryonic pigs. "The mouth, trotters & tongue of the pigs are green under UV light," said Professor Liu Zhonghua. They hope it will also boost stem cell research.
(Story cloned by nickybo@imga.com)

The Chinese restaurant down the street has had glow-in-the-dark pork for years now. (archerjoe@hotmail.com; luganrn77@yahoo.com & loads of other "#2"s on menu)

Wait, aren't UV lights bad? OHHH! It's in China. Nevermind. (timamod@aol.com; vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

In other worldly news, super-hero Green Hornet has been arrested under suspicion of beastiality charges. (guitartexn@aol.com) Cato turned him into the Party, the rat bastard!

So does that mean that we can now serve pork with seafood sauce? (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

So, don't automatically throw away that green bacon! (stan@squidworks.com; tphyll@aol.com)

The word on the street is that Sam-I-Am is working on a similar deal with Perdue. (topsquark@yahoo.com) He's tight-fisted, too.... he's really chokin' them chickens!

You can't stop those Chinese, now they are stealing me Irish heritage! And what do you tink is the FEAST O' THE DAY, on St. Patrick's Day? GREEN PIG, LADS AND LASSIES!!!GREEN PIG!!! BEGHOORA, IT NEY HAS A LABEL," MADE IN CHINA." Like a lot things we are getting overwhelmed with from the country- USA owes the most money. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

So, if you see a green pig, don't think it's mad sow's disease. (maxcel200@aol.com)

The "Meanwhile, in the Red Light District" Section:

Also look under definition of a prostitute: Babes that are really into the green stuff. (maxcel200@aol.com) Are you another one of those "nasal sex" perverts?

Pigs that glow in the dark, what a great idea..it'll make it easier to bypass the ugly hookers (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

It would have been funnier if they had glow in the dark balls! (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) Well, if that's what jangles your danglers....

I always wondered what that jelly stuff was in those cans of Spam luncheon meat. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Surprise! Spermicide.

For those less adventurous just stuff a green apple into a suckling pig's mouth. (maxcel200@aol.com) And take out your- yeah, I'm talking to YOU, Smedley!

MAN, you people are sick!

Consider the advantages of a bioluminescent pig... okay, there aren't any, but I don't get many chances to use "bioluminescent" in conversation. (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)

This will help reduce night-time roadkill. (tphyll@aol.com) Because everyone knows that green pigs see better in the dark.

Professor Zhonghua had been performing the same procedure on frogs for 10 years but nobody seemed to notice. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Green pigs? Stem Cell research? Damn, Bush was right after all! (skibip@aol.com)

Glow-in-the-dark pigs? That is definitely NOT kosher. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com; tphyll@aol.com) They're pigs, goy boys, NOTHING about 'em is kosher.

Nothing new. Actually, three hundred thousand years ago, Gorf the Neanderthal created the same effect by choking his pig. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Oh, is that what McDonald's does to the cows to make those f***in' green milkshakes on St. Patrick's Day?! (ronxian@aol.com)

So I can assume when I eat Chinese bacon, my colon will light up? (humorbear@aol.com) I suppose it could, but your colon shouldn't smoke; it causes cancer, ya know!

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Roswell that's "in the ends" well:

In America, of course, we do it the old-fashion way: We have aliens screwing pigs. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

The Silver Shytekicker - But he still had to take her on the honeymoon:

Heck, those scientists are way late. I saw the same thing after just one bottle of tequila years ago. (skibip@aol.com)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Note to self: Never double-date with Mitch:

It will also allow the pigs to re-enter a night club after leaving for a smoke. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)