News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 14 Jul 09)

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LONDON, UK (Daily Telegraph) London's Gymbox-in-Bank athletic club, recognizing that lifting weights can be boring, introduced "human barbells", hiring 5 men of various sizes (including 2 dwarfs) that customers could use for weights instead of iron. One advantage of the humans is that they shout encouragement to the customer with each lift. The largest of the five is a 37-year-old, 340-pound man.
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Which reminds me of an old joke...what do you call stupid men that can only elevate themselves to the job of being human barbells. Answer...dumbweighters. (

They could use bodies from the morgue...of course, this would be called a "Dead Lift" ( I would suggest using the equine morgue, but that would be beating a dead horse.

It has been confirmed that all five 'human barbells' have bad teeth. (

Now, if they would use women instead of men, I wouldn't mind coming in to pick up a few ladies. (

They would make more money if they used barbelles. (

I get it...and they used two small blondes for the dumbbells, right? ( Well, the Olsen twins have to be good for SOMETHING.

This would be a GREAT job for my lazy ex-boyfriend; he's real good at being dead weight. (

Finally! Something my brother-in-law can do! Where can he send his resume? (

A homosexual bald guy dressed in white with a gold earring calling himself "Mr. Clean and Jerk" was arrested. ( There's a joke about Spic n' Spam here, but I refuse to take it....

If they've got men to use as weights, then they need women too. A " Roseanne Barrbell", anyone? (

Honestly, some guys are WAY too desperate to get picked up. (

It must attract an odd clientele... the dwarves shouting encouragement as you lift them brings a weird mental image of a sweaty man hoisting a dwarf who is shouting "You can do it, get me the way up!" ( The list includes quite a few Republican Senators.

If the human barbelle is would be called a "Wench Press" (

I guess you could call the dwarfs 'pygmy-ups'. (

"Be back in an hour honey.I'm going to the gym to pump some men." ( Larry Craig is, at least, polite.

A dwarf you are lifting shouting "Work it! Work it!" If he was speaking backwards, this could be a scene from David Lynch's next film. (

I am not lifting any dwarf who yells at me to lift him over and over....Then again, I never was much of one for small talk. (

I'll tell my in-laws about it. There's some dead weight I can do without. (

340 pounds? What's that in Euros? ( All I know is that the guys keep jacking up the prices.

"I pumped twelve Sam's and fifteen Harry's this morning." (

If patrons need a slightly lower weight, they are encouraged to give the man they're lifting a double-shot of laxative. ( "Man, am I pooped out from all this yanking guys up all day!"

Yeah, bench press and clean'n'jerk a midget and you will go the way of that girl who had sex in the guys john at the football game. (Will there be a made for TV movie?) (

The "Blonde Dumbbell" package must be ordered in advance. (multi And if you want REAL blondes, make sure and ask for:

Lifting a feminine human barbelle is, of course, called "The Snatch". (

An added plus: when members of the athletic club lifted these men a certain way, they were able to strengthen their hand muscles by squeezing a couple of balls. (

How could any man let another man lift his barbells? That should only be done by a professional: "Okay, Cough"! ( Leaving you prostate afterwards.

This worked out great until Dopey got sick of the "Dumbbell" jokes and went back to working at Disneyland. (

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Sort of a menáge-a-troll:

Shocking but true...the last person to pump two dwarfs at the same was Snow White. (

The Silver Shytekicker - Go on, pull the other one:

So, a jerk could do a clean & jerk with a jerk... (too much jerking going on, it could get messy!) (,

And our Golden Gunkchunker - No need to pussyfoot around:

Please God, just for me, just for a while . . . Live Lesbian Human Barbells. Please, just once . . . plus the DVD rights. (