News That's Unfair & Off-Balance
(updated 15 Nov 06)
Hosted by Bucko
Putting It Bluntly!
(Pothead-line by Airfarcewon@aol.com)
KOLK, AFGHANISTAN (The Register) -- Canadian General Rick Hillier reports: "Taliban insurgents in Afghanistan are using 10-foot-tall marijuana forests as cover. These plants really absorb heat energy, & render infrared scanners useless." Burning them down proved impractical; soldiers downwind got too mellow to fight. The danger to the troops, however, IS very real; one remarked "Before I joined the Army, I never thought I'd say 'That damn marijuana!'."
(Story token down by NITRAMXXX@aol.com)
Osama been tokin'! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
People have always said we Canadians are very laid back, and I guess this proves they're right. (email@example.com) Oh, so you're Canadian? Well, that explains a hell of a lot....
Well, that would explain the sudden surge of people entering the military. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Suddenly, Steve Earle wants to enlist. (email@example.com) Too bad about that snake bite he got on the road there.
Now they are adding Bong Maneuvers to Basic Training, as well as Munchie Avoidance Strategies. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com & other offshore drill sergeants)
Now, who would've thought these Taliban insurgents would actually be behind Bush? (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Possibly, they mistook him for a diseased goat; you KNOW how randy that makes those guys.
Major: Ah, artillery reinforcements! Brilliant! Private: Hey, those are just big bongs, man! (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)
Marijuana is the opiate of the grasses. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Wow! Then, that must be where those giant roaches come from.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Note to troops: Do NOT use napalm grenades as "clips".
Don't shoot until you see the bloodshot of their eyes! (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
You expect me to believe that there's a place called Kolk in Afghanistan? What are you smoking? (email@example.com) I dunno.... there's a label on the bag, can't make sinse-milia out of it.... sorry, I can't even read the bastard right now....
Damn shame. By the time pot gets that tall it goes to seed and then it's no good. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
What we need is a good Afghanistan rock concert. That'll take care of the problem for a week. (email@example.com) What would an Afghan rock band sound like? Better than the Bee Gees, at least.
The weed now has both medical and military uses. It's High Time they legalized the stuff. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Taliban insurgents fighting in Canada had the same problem with those "damn maple leafs!" (email@example.com) They had their hands full with all that sticky stuff.
Hey, Mr. Taliban, tally me marijuana. Daylight come and me want go home. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Talk about the "winds of war" (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) That's "Kolk", not "Wouk"!
OK, gang, what's the shortest word in the English language? It comes right after a deep toke, and passing it along because what you learned in school today was SHARING:
"Reefer"-ing to the Canadian Army Manual, the rules are really "Blunt" about this: "It's Grass, you ass!" (AuntShecky711@aol.com)
Why do all the soldiers like brownies so much? (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Because they're heterosexuals related to Mark Foley.
Said another soldier "Dude like, I can't talk about it. Did you say you had some Fritos?" (email@example.com)
Puff The Magic Dragoon. (Yes, dragoon) (firstname.lastname@example.org) Daring of you!
In a related story, the Canadian Army has since exhausted that nation's supply of brownie mix. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Infrared may not work, but all they have to do is be quiet and listen for sucking sounds and, "Hey dude, pass it over here." (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) But, what if they're actually talking about Ahmad, the goatherd?
Mel Gibson will be making a movie about this, partly in Arabic and partly in Farsi, with subtitles nobody wants to read. (email@example.com)
If soldiers downwind got too mellow to fight, what was the condition of the Taliban fighters? (firstname.lastname@example.org; Maxcel200@aol.com) They got so stoned that they turned cowardly. This is called "mellow yellow". (With NO apologies to Donovan)
When a 10 year old embarrassed the military strategist by suggesting they burn the marijuana upwind of the insurgents, the kid was promptly arrested and taken to Guantanamo for "interrogation". (email@example.com)
Uh, when I said "Bring me the head of Osama Bin Laden..." oh, never mind. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Oh, for- He chickened out of saying "Not Doobie Gillis!"
If this wasn't enough, in Kabul an RV was spotted towing nine U-Hauls driven by Willie Nelson. (email@example.com)
I better go check my basement for Taliban insurgents. (firstname.lastname@example.org) And put some foil on those windows!
I just happen have some large fans that I lost money on, so if the General wants to blow the SWEET SMELL OF UNREST BACK TO THEIR TROOPS, he can get them by signing on "Wondamweytworeeferem.com COOLBAYBEE coowom my on at Sales page for a sweet price (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)
Headline: "The War Of The Noses!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com) No, no! The War of the MOSES; we are dealing with burning bushes, after all.
There are no cases of glaucoma being reported in Afghanistan. (email@example.com)
Since these reports, President Bush has been advised to refrain from saying, "Smoke 'em out of their holes." (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com & other suckers) How about he gets his head out of HIS hole FIRST?
They say marijuana is a "gateway drug." Bad news with all that heroin being grown there, too. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)
Upon hearing the quote from the Taliban, "The Americans couldn't touch us with a ten foot (marijuana) pole." Troops responded by saying, "Got White Castle?" (firstname.lastname@example.org) You GOTTA be stoned out of your gourd to eat those things....
They need to hire illegal aliens (off the books) to clean up this mess. (email@example.com)
In counter strike operations UN forces are using meth labs as cover, while completely useless in rendering infrared scanners ineffective Canadian General Rick Hillier reported: "Taliban insurgents don't have infrared scanners and the place is always spotless!" (CoyPsyche@aol.com)
Strangely, the downwind from the burning weeds had no effect whatsoever on a visiting president Bush.... (firstname.lastname@example.org) Well, the THC has to have some brain cells to affect, doesn't it?
They should make a charge and just zig zag a lot... (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
The affected troops had the munchies so bad, even MRE's seemed delicious. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
I say, send Snoop Dog over there, he'd know what to do... (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Listen, I do NOT want to see "Talibans Gone Wild!". Hairy man-boobs? Pass.
When asked to comment, Private Benjamin Buford Blue, aka "Bubba" was heard to mutter, "Marijuana pancakes, marijuana brownies, marijuana waffles. Smoked marijuana, cut marijuana, marijuana and cheese . . . " (email@example.com)
Washington is rushing through contracts to supply ten-foot square rolling papers! (firstname.lastname@example.org) Due to the "urgent need", a no-bid contract was awarded to Halliburton, who will provide the papers for only $260,000 apiece.
If they set the whole thing ablaze, the smoke would cover the entire world, and love and peace would follow forever. And pigs would fly. (email@example.com)
Chop it down and ship it overseas. I will do my patriotic duty and take some off their hands. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Peevedbody Award "Hey, Doug, I'm feeling a biting draft, eh?":
'Sir, we've leaked the fake story out and the people are noticing. Phase one of Project 'Lure the damned hippies out of Canada' is complete!' 'Excellent, soldier. If this works, let's spread another story. Maybe one with 10 foot Croissant trees...' (email@example.com)
The Bullspitzer Prize This oughta give them Talibums a needle!:
Heroin poppies, of course, are much easier to shoot up. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
And the IgNobel Prize Winner - He who Snopes smokes the jokes on tokes:
Anyone who falls for this story is a sucker....more specifically, a Kolk sucker. (email@example.com)