Sorcery About That!
(Header cauldron in by Airfarcewon@aol.com)
New York, NY (Daily News) -- Annually, the New York Center for the Strange surveys about 350 witches for predictions for the new year. So, in 2006: Donald Rumsfeld will KO a younger man in a barroom brawl; The Yankees will reach the World Series and lose - to the Mets; Nationwide shortages of king-size beds, bowling balls and Vidalia onions. They average a 28% accuracy rate. Past dead-on calls: The successes of eBay and "The Sopranos." Stinker picks: That the Rolling Stones would quit in 1997; That nude tap-dancing and rectangular bagels would turn into national crazes.
(Topic conjured up by AuntShecky711@aol.com)
Just give the nude tap-dancing time. It's a big hit here in NC on the weekend. (email@example.com)
How is it that witches can predict a whole year's events with 28% accuracy, but my local weatherman only gets the 5 day forecast right three times a year? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Well, nude tap-dancing might have become popular except all the older women kept tripping over their boobs. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Dammit! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT MAKING AWFUL VISUALS POP INTO MY HEAD??!!
No king-size beds, bowling balls or Vidalia onions? Hell, now my girlfriend will NEVER marry me. (email@example.com)
If people really wanted to hear things that had a 28% chance of being true, Bill O'Reilly would have higher ratings. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
So, somewhere there will be a jillion folks lying in king-sized beds eating onions and.....I shudder to think what they might be doing with bowling balls. (email@example.com) Well, there ARE three holes, and.... oh, you guys fill in the rest! ;)
By comparison, my 41% accuracy rate in NFL bets this season is downright astounding, and I'm still down almost four grand. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)
Yep, and Cad will get some nifty prizes. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)
100% of the interviewed witches also predicted that they would be hearing 'she turned me into a newt' jokes almost every time they mentioned their witchiness to anyone, for at least the next 20 years. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Duh! They have since 1975!
Nude tap dancing? I sure wish they would have been right on that one..but, it too was an obvious loser..c'mon..how ya' gonna tap without shoes? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Dang! They're on to my scheme to take over the world by hoarding king-size beds, bowling balls, and Vidalia onions! I better switch it to Lion King sleeping bags, snow shoes, and Idaho potatoes. They'll never stop me now, BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (email@example.com)
That one cute witch looks hot! She may be busy all week - but I'll ask her if she can fit me in this Wiccan. (firstname.lastname@example.org) And, if you get lucky, you'll get YOUR wicc-in!
28%? If they could just get a few more hits, they would be Hall of Fame eligible. (email@example.com)
In a related story, the New York Center for the Strange recently moved its corporate headquarters from Shecky's Bar in Yonkers to the Manhattan Medical Marijuana Club. (firstname.lastname@example.org) And Aunt Shecky is PISSED!
There were also, of course, the expected 350 votes that these were the 'end times'. Local Critic, Eric Cartman, was quoted to have said, 'Stupid tree-loving hippies, suck muh ballz.'. Details at 10. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
I think what they meant to say was that the Rolling Stones would quit doing drugs in 1997, which is feasible because Keith Richards should have done them all by then... and I mean ALL of them. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
And now, the "NYCM Free Trade Disagreement Section":
Miniskirts and high heels will be the hottest fashion trend...for men. (email@example.com)
"High Times" magazine also released their stoner new year predictions. So, In 2006: Donald Rumsfeld will BLOW a younger man in a barroom stall; Steinbrenner will buy the contract of every AL all-star; Nationwide shortages of rolling papers, Funyons, and Northern Lights. They average a 16.2% THC rate. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)
Wow, 28% is the standard? Let me give this a try: George W. Bush will play guitar for Hoobastank, Tea Leone will star in a Broadway revival of Jesus Christ Superstar, Bill Gates will file for bankruptcy, and this entry will make the NYCM list. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
They neglected to predict that Johnny Damon will have fewer hits with the Yankees due to his lack of excess hair. (WJKbase@aol.com) In a bizarre twist on the story of Samson, Damon's strength was derived from the hair on his ass.
...and the movie "Bewitched" will become the largest-grossing DVD release of all time. (email@example.com)
George W. Bush will correctly pronounce the word "nuclear" in a speech about Iran. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
What about the Cubs? THEM WITCHES DIDN'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT THE CUBS WINNING THE WORLD SERIES??!! Them hags predicted the Soxes the last two years AND THEY PICK THE METS? This happens every freakin' year with these broads! (email@example.com) You SURE you want to offend 350 witches, Smedley?
The Rolling Stones could all be hooked up to dialysis machines and they wouldn't quit. (firstname.lastname@example.org; Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
28 percent accuracy rate? Couldn't a monkey flicking little balls of shit a target do a better job? (email@example.com) Well, try it, see how you do, & get back to us.
If they'd PAY for the precalls, the Center might get a more accurate forecast. Everybody knows that things go better with a happy medium... (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Honorable Mention - "The Lips" stumbled, & the Shark of Rock was jumped:
If you're like me and shelled out $13.99 for "Bridges of Babylon" I'm sure you'll agree that the Rolling Stones DID quit in 1997. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)
Runner-Up - He waves his undersized "wand", they do his bidding:
Bullshit. Rumsfeld has OTHER people do anything dangerous. (email@example.com)
And The Winner - She's Red, she's potion't, she's on the crystal ball!:
28%? even I can "spell" better than that! :) (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)