News That's Unfair & Off-Balance
(updated 18 Jul 07)
Hosted by Bucko
New Beaver Capital of the World: Andover! Reno Mourns.
(Crotchety headline by GerriHan65@aol.com; email@example.com)
Andover, Massachusetts (The Boston Globe) -- Beavers were once rare in Massachusetts, but Andover is getting overrun by them. Beaver-friendly laws mean residents must obtain a special permit by convincing their local health board that the beaver's presence poses a safety risk. Complaints of water retention are common. Beaver fan Alan French says "If you had 10 neighbors, the other 9 would be for nuking beavers." Trapper John Benedetto, 58, said "Everybody likes the beaver until she moves into the backyard."
(Shaved-down version of story from firstname.lastname@example.org)
What more can be said, I've never met a beaver I didn't like. (email@example.com) Yeah? They'll chew right through your wood, you know.
Well, I say we just eat the damned things! (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) Turnabout IS fair play.
I've never seen an article about prostitution that was so flippant. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
And we thought all the alumni of tony Andover prep school were loyal because of the academics. (email@example.com)
And if 9 out of those 10 neighbors were dentists, I bet they'd tell you to brush well after coming into contact with a beaver. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) Flossing, however, would be redundant.
Sounds like they got some big teeth in this law. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Overrun by beaver...complaining about that is about as stupid as complaining about priapism... (GerriHan65@aol.com)
Upon hearing Benedetto's comment, French replied, "I think he's being a bit too hard on the beaver." (firstname.lastname@example.org) That ain't what the beaver said.
So throw some Midol in the water & it'll go away. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Not only has the beaver been shown to pose a safety risk, but it's also been known to drain my bank account. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)
Nuking Beavers. Great name for a rock band. I like it. (email@example.com) I hear they're on tour with Napalm Wang.
The town finally got rid its 'beaver' problem by hiring a 'Pied' Piper. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I dunno... water-retaining beavers tend to make most guys I know nervous. (email@example.com)
Benedetto must never have had good beaver, if he doesn't like it in his backyard. (GerriHan65@aol.com) Butt, er-- but:
If your beaver's in the backyard, you're not doing it right. (AuntShecky711@aol.com) Depends on what she's wearing.
Why can't they make up their minds...first, ya' gotta' get a marriage license to get a beaver, and now, they wantcha' to get one to get rid of 'em... (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Trapper John also noted, "The beaver likes everybody until someone tries to move into *her* backyard." (firstname.lastname@example.org) Damn zoning rules.
Beavers are easy to find. Just check the bushes. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)
I love beavers in the backyard...that's my favorite style! (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Benedetto probably doesn't have enough wood to please any beaver... (GerriHan65@aol.com)
To beaver, or not to beaver? Is that the question here? (email@example.com) It's when you have to start asking that you ought to be worried.
I'm all for beaver friendly laws -- it's about time! But I really can't tolerate water retention. Makes me feel bloated and makes MY beaver unfriendly! (firstname.lastname@example.org; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
Maybe Benedetto likes Wally better than Beaver. (GerriHan65@aol.com)
..then into the house, then out, with at least half your possessions. (email@example.com)
Yeah - I know how they feel. I have to receive a "special permit" to approach the beaver, too. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) It's called "large sums of cash".
I suppose the health board is going to keep insisting that abstinence is the solution. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
And that's the news. Andover and out. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Even though Bucko's a Red Sox fan....
These over-populated creatures are indirectly shifted to the Big Apple. The excess beavers do a scheduled move to Fenway Park and kept in the visiting dugout when the Yankees are in town. (email@example.com)
The Silver Shytekicker - For meritorious abuse of a wholesome TV show:
I went varmint hunting in Massachusetts once. Just as I was about to fire at one critter, my buddy told me, "Leave it -- it's Beaver." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
And our Golden Gunkchunker - Catch a beaver, get some tail:
All the mature Andover women are pro-Beaver... claiming they're just glad to have something else around with flat tails. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)