News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 18 Jun 06)

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Furtive Pix Tick Off Chicks
(Headline exposed by

Canterbury, England (BBC) -- Simon Hamilton, 35, admitted in court that he took thousands of furtive "upskirt" photos of women standing in public places, & had an extensive collection. He denied that the pictures gave him sexual gratification; he swore that he spent his time merely cataloguing the photos, not looking at them. "The 'gratification' was a job well done," adding that he "came from a long line of family 'collectors'."
(Story looked up by

Finally, a museum my friends would tag along to. (

Potential titles for his upcoming coffee table photo book are: "Skirting the Issue", or "Up Yours". (

Mr. Hamilton further stated that he dusts the drapes with the cat-o'-nine tails found in his bedroom, and his prescription Viagra pills really help his high blood pressure. ( How did he explain the 965 worn-out inflatable dolls?

Simple Simon and the this case, the same. (;

"Merely cataloguing the photos"? Then why were so many of them stuck together? (;

The first 'family collector' was Cletis Hamilton, convicted in 1867 when flash powder was found on the private area of the victims. ( It only surprised SOME victims; flash powder was a common remedy for crabs back then.

Job well done indeed! When he snaps several rolls of film before noon and develops them for his "job", I bet he gets off early, too. (

They must wear a lot of black patent leather shoes there. (;

Cataloguing them for what? Don't we have enough reminders about our thighs and tushes without some freak publishing evidence? (; There is NO safe reply to that.

You'd have thought the camera strapped to his shoe would've drawn some attention (;

Gives new meaning to taking pictures at the scene of a crack-up. (

Did anyone else notice that "cataloguing" and "masturbating" have the same amount of syllables? ( Yeah? So does "MindgameFiziks". COINCIDENCE??

And then, sadly, his entire collection was snatched. (

Other collections in the Hamilton family tree include Ray Hamilton's jiggling bikini video trilogy, sister Jenny Hamilton's "Bulges in the Bahamas" photo journal, and of course, cousin Mikey Hamilton's array of ceramic asses. (

According to investigators, the "furtive" photographs were far less organized than the "Brazilian" ones. ( He could really wax poetic about those.

On cross, he admitted that he never RECEIVED any sexual gratification, but he's "self-employed" and he often has to give himself a "hand" for a "job" well done. (

Suuuuure! You're cataloguing them WITHOUT looking at them! Wanna explain that, buster? (; I've heard this dodge before.... what was it about? Oh, yeah- weapons of mass destruction.

I understand, from my FBI friends, he is working in America under the name "Bucko", or something like that. Once warned, you know the rest. (

You should see his extensive collection of colonoscopy photos which, one might argue, is just a logical extension of his "upskirt" photos. ( Personally, I'd have gone in the opposite direction. But that's just me.

He also claimed that the rosy color of his palms was an allergic condition, so I'm kinda taking the "cataloguing the photos" claim with a grain of salt. (

Mr. Hamilton was then sentenced to photographing only Camilla Parker-Bowles, and he then admitted to four other crimes he didn't commit. ( It backfired. Additional sentences: "Upskirt" photos of Queen Elizabeth, Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, and Dick Cheney's ass.

Not wanting England to get a bad reputation, the court failed to mention that all of them were catalogued under "female impersonator". (

The Peevedbody Award – It's a tie! So I wedgied them together:

Probably complimented his collection of used jock straps ( But he SWEARS he never sniffed them!

You should see his painstakingly catalogued collection of womens' panties. ( But he SWEARS he never licked them!

The Bullspitzer Prize – He had to work his way up to ask her:

He looked at a scraped knee and asked the lady, "What's a joint like that doing on a woman like you?" (

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - It's HOT under those long, fancy robes:

His biggest mistake came when he tried that shit on the Archbishop of Canterbury. However, at least we finally found out that it's true that the Archbishop "goes commando." (