News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 19 Aug 06)

Hosted by Bucko

Nailed With Tax!
(Given head-line by Airfarcewon@aol.com)

WASHINGTON DC (High Times) -- Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) wants the IRS to chase pimps & sex traffickers, nailing them for: tax evasion. New, much stiffer penalties would be added; not directly for "...exploiting society's poorest girls & women for personal gain," but for failing to properly file the paperwork on it. The new law would define a pimp as an "employer", requiring the filing of wage statements, & withholding of payroll & Social Security taxes.
(Topic streetlamp-lit by bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

This story was on the Daily Show this week, and once again, Mediacrity has SCOOPED 'em! Yo, Stewart! Quit stealing ideas from my damn contest!

Cad should know better: you don't fry computers, you must boil them first, THEN fry them. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Isn't a pimp's job, by definition, "withholding of payroll"? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Before I say anything about this, let's check it on snopes.com. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Man, I'm never gonna live that down....

That'll never work because YOUR MAMA can't write! (Kamasushi@gmail.com)

Makes sense to me. Anyone you need to file with is probably under-reporting and/or over-rating themselves to the "employees" here, anyway. (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Vegas? Yeah, I bet we get stuck with retail and celebrities get whore-sale prices. (hermanator@aim.com) True that; John Wayne Bobbitt gets half off.

Every time I get a good job, some jackass in Washington ruins it with paperwork. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

On the plus side, the pimps are now able to write off crack pipes as deductions. On the down side: "Smackin' your bitch up the side of damn head" for skimming the profits now has a hefty fine. Pimpin' Ain't easy. (mikepena@verizon.net; DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

So, then, I could theoretically deduct the constantly drunk chicks I carry home from the bar, as long as I keep the liquor receipts. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) Check that spelling.... "liquor", "licker", they're homophones, after all. Homophones cost even more.

If you bitches short your "'employer" one mo' time, you won't have to worry about collectin' no Social Security! (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

So much for "Read my lips, no new taxes". (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Which set of li-?

Yeah, yeah.... I'm a horrible person. How do you think I got to be the judge?

Stiffer penalties, don't they mean "Stiffer Penilties"? (Airfarcewon@aol.com; tphyll@aol.com, and a LOT of other pricks)

"But mama, it IS a real job!" (cdmauger@aol.com)

My question is this: Are they going to make the girls pay "back" taxes? (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com) The Senator has not stated his personal position.

God forbid we should decriminalize prostitution, but we're never too proud to take money from the pimps. (tpanner@hotmail.com; thedraugr@yahoo.com)

And which tax service would handle this kind of business? "H and Whore Block"? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

I agree with Senator Grassley, but shouldn't "employers" have a license for this first? (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Funny you should ask.... let's visit Nevada, where, in fact....

NEVADA LAWS: Annual licenses for brothels can be $100,000. Registered prostitutes must be checked weekly for STDs. Condoms: mandatory. Brothelmeisters can be held liable if customers get infected. Nevada says you can't "recruit women to become prostitutes, nor live off prostitutes' proceeds" (NO PIMPS? Nah; quite common).
This tax will be called "John Dough." (tphyll@aol.com)

Soon after news of this leaked out, "Pimping for Dummies" became an instant best seller. (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com) Brothels can't advertise; so, they list themselves under "entertainment" or "companionship". 140 pages of the Las Vegas yellow pages are devoted to "entertainers", and we're not talking Wayne Newton.

"Ladies" who specialize in S&M are exempt from certain coverage under Workers' Comp, as a certain amount of injury is expected and desirable. (cringe4242@earthlink.net)

I mean, do you really want to go to a brothel where Wayne Newton is working?

"Sales reps" hand out business cards around the casinos, featuring a woman's picture & "specialties". Collect them all!

Would they allow ST-Deductions? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Price negotiations take place in the woman's room (often monitored). The house normally gets half. Cabbies who deliver customers get 20%... subtracted from the woman's earnings. Prostitutes are "independent contractors" & thus do NOT receive any unemployment, retirement or health benefits.

OSHA also said they would be inspecting pressure amounts in the prostitutes' chests, so to avoid possible whiplash injuries. (scice@aol.com)

Still won't work. They get a lot of "tip" income, you know. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

In 2005, brothel owners lobbied TO be taxed, to increase the legitimacy of the business; the District Legislature put a red light on that real fast.

If this law goes through, then the employees (Girls) should also be entitled to benefits such as Jerkman's Comp. and Lay-off pay (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Yes, and as small business owners, they'll need to provide benefits and a smoke-free work environment, and let's not forget about the United Way campaign... (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)

Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss intends to open a brothel with all male prostitutes, for female customers only (a Nevada first; technically, it IS legal). Citizen John Reese opposes brothels on moral & religious grounds. In 1994, he tried to get a license for a gay brothel, in an overt attempt to raise opposition to all brothels. He got screwed: The guys on top in government showed him the back door. Guess he didn't get his man in the end....

I had no idea prostitution was such a big issue in Iowa. "Is this a wretched hive of immorality and debasement? No, it's Iowa." (cdmauger@aol.com; Dlivermore2002@yahoo.com & other corn fetishists)

Iowa. Highly-moral land of corn and pork, insurance and hookers. Take that in any combination you like... (mimsydivine@earthlink.net) That explains a lot about Marlin Perkins....

Social Security, however, is refusing to pay benefits for on-the-job injuries such as crabs and herpes. (scice@aol.com)

Sen. Grassley is a tax-and-spend Republican. (tphyll@aol.com) No, no: Spend, then tax, then spend again, then spend a lot of money we don't have.

Pimps will also be required to supply Workers' Compensation for injuries sustained "on the job"... which (of course) includes a good bitch-slapping every now and again. Dental plans are only required if a pimp has more then 30 Ho's - per IFS 8645 sub section 910. (CoyPsyche@aol.com)

I'm in favor of that. We could nail the entire Bush administration on that principle. I'm sure getting screwed and having MY pocket picked. (wedrixe@netscape.net)

So would a "pimp daddy" now be a form of nepotism? (tainsam@aol.com) Hmm.... it might qualify as incest. Let's not get into that....

Now Flash will have to add another 6 girls to his stable just to cover the taxes and cost of paperwork. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) STABLE? Now we're getting into beastiality, and that's far enou--

Stiffer penalties? If it applies to pimps, then it also should apply to morticians. (skibip@aol.com) OK, that does it! Now we're getting into necrophilia! Over my dead body! No, wait-- someone else's dead body.

Heh, this will backfire when some pimp or madame presents a list of high-profile Republican clientele with their individual kinks in large, bold letters. (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

In related news... Washington DC Hookers are now able to apply for Social Security benefits when they retire. (CoyPsyche@aol.com; GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) Would that include "Social Disease" Security? (OK, that one sucked. And I got charged $300 for it, too.)

Okay, so given the fact that "pimpin and Ho'n " are now to be taxed, all those meth labs had better start looking for tax shelters. < yeah, this is gonna work > (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com; vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

Anything to get the IRS off MY intercoursing back works for me. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Hmmm. I wonder what the 'girls' will get him for Bosses' Day? (luganrn77@yahoo.com) An audit. 'Cause the damn boss TOOK everything else!

The IRS stated that they're ready to implement this program, since they could easily track offenders through Senate expense records. (stan@squidworks.com; GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Coming soon, the funniest write-off's ever. "Uhh, we're writing that off as a food expense. Ya know, protein and all." Let the hilarity begin... (thedraugr@yahoo.com) Yes, I can see men putting that in.

That would mean getting a Social Security card and bank account under the name "Funkmaster Sweet-Daddy J". And logging the mileage on the El Camino. (marieracewalks@hotmail.com)

The Peevedbody Award – But whores have more "interesting" hiding places:

Haven't you heard of the "Screwing Tax" that I sent to the Congress? This will include whores, and lobbyists. Of course, lobbyists get a lot more and can hide it better. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize – Let's frame these bastards & put 'em in the "big house!":

Yeah, then the city could chase after the patronizing "Johns", define them as building contractors, and charge them with "nailing" without a permit, unsafe and improper use of their "tools," trespassing on "sacred territory," and illegal dumping of "hazardous materials." (ronxian@aol.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winners - Guest appearance on "Starsky & Hutch"? Priceless:

OK Grassley... Here's my f**kin' paper work: TOTAL YEARLY INCOME: $100,000. BUSINESS EXPENSES: Stretch limo: $150,000, 100 assorted leopard trimmed feathered hats...$5,000, 24 inch gold chain...$10,000, hired entourage...$50,000, mink coat...$42,000. motel reservations...$25,000, box of condoms...$3.00. TOTAL LOSS...$182.003. REFUND to ME...$76,000...YA SUCKAH! Yours truly, Joe the Pimp Taxpayer (maxcel200@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com, others trying to get themselves a big "write"-off)