News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 19 May 07)

Hosted by Bucko

Fire In The Hole!
(Headline driven home by Airfarcewon@aol.com; cdmauger@aol.com)

TOKYO, JAPAN (Nippon News) -- Japan's Toto Ltd. is offering free repairs for 180,000 bidet toilets after wiring problems caused several to catch fire, said spokeswoman Emi Tanaka. "The fire would be just under your buttocks." The popular Z series features a pulsating massage spray, a power dryer, built-in deodorizing filter, the "Tornado Wash" flush & a lid that opens & closes automatically. The price: From $1,680 to $2,600.
(Story torpedoed in by AuntShecky711@aol.com)

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com; tphyll@aol.com & a billion other Lewis-skies)

What? No iPod charger? (humorbear@aol.com)

If that's what it takes to become a hot piece of ass, you can keep it. (GerriHan65@aol.com) Fear not, I started several rumors about you, and....

They did not say anything about the Opening and Closing problem; it sometimes keeps on opening and closing as if it is applauding. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Two dollars off and a free automatic bikini wax with a $10 gas purchase. (astae@paonline.com; jdcoops3@aol.com)

This is why when I use a Toto, I always dress up my c**k & balls in a little fireman's suit. (humorbear@aol.com) As opposed to the usual ballroom gown.

With all those features, and so much high tech, why didn't they just install an automatic fire exstinguisher? (Airfarcewon@aol.com; vinyllover45@aol.com & many other hosers)

Pulsating massage spray? Could well be worth the risk of setting your ass on fire. (mimsydivine@earthlink.net; CoyPsyche@aol.com & several other giddy women)

If the popular Z series catches on fire, I don't want to know what were the Mishaps on the A-Y Series. (SPTirish@aol.com) The most slip-ups were on the K-Y Series.

Honey, am I having hot flashes or is the bidet on fire again? (rampage1984@msn.com; tphyll@aol.com)

Toilet that automatically puts seat down, $2600. Never having to hear it from her again....Priceless. (SPTirish@aol.com)

It's not all it's cracked up to be. (tphyll@aol.com) Or vice versa.

Automatic lid? Hell, with that Tornado Wash, my colon will open and close automatically. (humorbear@aol.com)

How do you TEST something called "tornado wash"? I'm not going near the fucking thing. (tstrontium90@aol.com)

What, no sandpaper setting? (LouMizzou@yahoo.com) WTF??

The power dryer is not good for most males...the ass hair develops split ends. (humorbear@aol.com)

Electrical wiring in a device that you piss in. What could go wrong? (Truckerex@insightbb.com) Saving you the Google: Yes, it's an electrolyte.

If your global warning minded, the "Green" bidet is now combined with a ten-speed bike and is activated by foot pedals. (humorbear@aol.com) We're gonna pump you up while you pump yourself out!

Puts a whole new spin on "lighting a fire under someone's ass," don't it? (CoyPsyche@aol.com; skibip@aol.com)

Some customers just thought their hemorrhoids were flaring up! (rod.renner@juno.com; vinyllover45@aol.com) BTW, Preparation H is flammable.

Also recalled was the Q7 model, with Hurricane Douche and optional Flash Flood Enema Kit. (scalpel@aol.com)

For over $2000, I'm going to have to be more resourceful. Why spend $30 at a car wash when you can just drive that luxury car through the luxury bidet? (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) Ya just know that all the Vegas luxury hotels are gonna get these things.

The Taliban claimed credit for these problems. (tphyll@aol.com)

People who opt NOT to have their bidet repaired will be offered counselling and asbestos seat covers. (irochford@optusnet.com.au)

The "I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing" Section:

Whew! That whole time I thought it was the nachos. (pcorradin@comcast.net)

Oddly enough, the people who complained of fire under their buttocks had just come from the local all-you-can-eat kimschi and blowfish blowout at House of Sake. (mahoneycjm@aol.com) Easy come, easy fugo....

The wiring problem was discovered after a tragic event at a recent chili cook-off. (shep@compascable.net)

How do we know these fires weren't started by acidic flatulence? (tstrontium90@aol.com)

Toto Ltd. has since also come out with a self-dousing Hibachi grill in a novelty porcelain base, surprisingly with no new production or materials costs. (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

What, no "auto-tapper?" (tstrontium90@aol.com) Those incompetent drips!

Those people in Japan......they just think they're HOT SH#T don't they? (rickandvirginia@comcast.net; tphyll@aol.com)

Somewhere...Al Bundy is shedding a tear. (guitartexn@aol.com)

"The fire would be just under your buttocks" sounds similar to "the bullet would pass just through your brain." (seeker@vcoms.net) Obviously, written by a Belgian "marketing expert" assisted by a ghost chimp.

The deluxe model includes a tsunami cycle for people with frequent diarrhea. (pooks49@yahoo.com)

Sheryl Crow has endorsed the product as "one-square-friendly". (pooks49@yahoo.com)

The faulty parts were made in America by illegal aliens doing jobs Americans didn't want to do. (tphyll@aol.com)

Soon to be a major disaster flick . . . "Bidet the Earth Stood Still". (cdmauger@aol.com) Starring Michael Runny.... OK, OK! 1) Look it up on the imdb, 2) I'm sorry.

Repair? No, no, replace! Technology gets out of date after 24 hours. Why not go with an upgrade? (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

"Bidet! Bidet! Bidet! That's all folks!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - This marriage has gone down the drain:

For those discriminating persons who want to take a dump in something smarter than their spouse. (tstrontium90@aol.com)

The Silver Shytekickers - Your kid is a soiled brat:

Damn thing went on fire at the worst time....now I will never get my little girl toilet trained. (SPTirish@aol.com; Mashallaha@aol.com)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - For once, the truth doesn't hurt (except your pride):

Just a warning to all you guys: it also grabs your snake if you are too slow getting up. Only the guys who are well-endowed need to worry. That lets me out of danger and quite a few of you I BET. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)