(updated 1 Mar 06)

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Porna Doones
(Header suggested by a half-baked Airfarcewon@aol.com)

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK (Yahoo News) -- A box of extremely obscene fortune cookies was mistakenly delivered to a fundraiser to send poor children to summer camp. 350 cookies stuffed with "the most graphically lurid" fortunes got mixed in with the custom cookies ordered. The "real" cookies boasted such boosterisms as: "Brooklyn - The 10th Planet," "Brooklyn - it's more than a freak'in tree," and "Brooklyn - it's like an everything bagel."
(Topic foretold by stigg@cs.com)

**NEW NAME FOR THE NEWS!! We've decided to retire the name "News You Can Muse!" & put a new "Headline" on this contest (which otherwise remains the same). So, what do YOU think would be a faboo new name? Simply suggest the name in the entry box! If it's chosen, you'll abscond with 25 RAs & smug bragging rights! Suggestions: 1) Include the word "News". 2) Should be reasonably short. 3) Not being used on the Internet by anyone else. SO.... Lay it on us!

Instead of "Brooklyn - The 10th Planet" it became, "Brooks In, With Ten to Plant" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Yes, of course I'm going to check! For instance, "Why Do I Even Read the News Because It Frigging Depresses Me?" is taken.

The manufacturer apologized, explaining that the cookies were supposed to have gone to a kids' camp in New Jersey. (skibip@aol.com; L1061S@go.com)

Pfft...Brooklyn is not the 10th planet...Hollywood is. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Longer than usual update period due to the plague, so it's time for another.... RApalooza!

No big deal...just sell 'em in Jersey. You'll make a killing! (paracletus3@earthlink.net; skibip@aol.com)

"Read me some more a' dem cookies..I'm dyin' heah!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

How fundraisers in Brooklyn usually work: "Gimme the money or I pop a cap in you, sucka!" (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The Chinese who read their cookies were very happy just to get a cheap lesson on local ebonics and customs. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) Uh, you have it sorta backwards.... but I won't say a word!

Kids going to summer camp already know more, or will learn more, than they could ever put on a cookie.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; tpanner@hotmail.com & an underinformed orgy)

The lurid fortunes included: "Brokeback - it's about Uranus," "John Holmes - he's hung like a freakin' tree," and "Buttsex - I'd like to slip my lox into your bagel." (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

At least the patrons of the event went away educated, learning there were more places to put an eggroll than simply stuffing it in one's mouth. (maxcel200@aol.com) You guys could find sex in a story about Raggedy Ann.... and, I believe, have.

Brooklyn- It's pretty close to Manhattan. (Y'know the place with the big buildings?) (timamod@aol.com)

The guys at Harvey (the Geek) Perkins' bachelor party were really getting hot and horny about those graphically lurid images swirling in their heads about 10th planets, bagels and freakin' trees. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Organizers said "thank you for saving our fund raiser". The mad scramble for the "good" fortune cookies resulted in tripled donations. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com; tpanner@hotmail.com & others seeking a good "raise")

Those damn liberals! They'll do anything to get sex education into the schools. (seeker@vcoms.net) So they cut a deal with the conservatives: "You get to put prayer in schools, we keep to keep sex education in." Overall, the liberals "won", as 82% of the kids only pray FOR sex.

An everything bagel? So, Brooklyn is messy, gets stuff stuck in your gums and gives you bad breath? yuck! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

So the others said "Brooklyn: What a shit hole" ? (jaberwock@yahooy.com; dixiedawn30@yahoo.com, other municpaltroons)

"My cookie says I give good head, how about yours?" (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

This is the reason for the increased number of Bronx cheers in Brooklyn -- on Flatbush Avenue. (AuntShecky711@aol.com) Yes, crew cuts ARE strangely popular there....

You can just imagine the looks on the faces of all the people at the Porn Convention when some guy bursts out saying, "I got yo freakin' tree right here...be-otch," and stomps on his cookie. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Further investigations revealed the fundraising company has been making a fortune from the cookies. The company is part of a large chain mail ring that has been in operation for several years. Their cookie sales have been climbing dramatically every week. All the cookies are manufactured with similar messages that say the bearer of the cookie must give a cookie to 10 other people or they will be forced to read dumb slogans about Brooklyn. (Internut36@hotmail.com) Winner of this round's "Noozy Award" for Hardest Working Entry.

Still can't decide which box should contain "Welcome to Brooklyn - Now go fuck yourself!" (ahines3103@aol.com)

It seems the Chinese character for "lube" is remarkably depictive. (robtone247@yahoo.com)

Dick Cheney was overheard to say, "Dammit! I meant those to go to the New York Times." (tpanner@hotmail.com) Shooting off his mouth again, I see....

Chinese-American Girl Scout Troop 33 and 1/3 ("Toity Tree and a Toid") of Flatbush is reported to be mildly embarassed, but petulant. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Those who got the "real" cookies are trying to figure out what more there IS to Brooklyn than a freak'n tree. (pjb1671@yahoo.com; tpanner@hotmail.com)

That's nothing compared to the videos that were mistakenly delivered to the camp. (shep@compascable.net) And then there were all the camp letters to the porn stars.... telling them all the things they had wrong.

The 'lurid' cookies had all the same furtunes as the regular ones, only with "in bed" scrawled at the end of every fortune. (RasGold@aol.com; robtone247@yahoo.com)

The poor kids just figured it was no different than when their unemployed, alcoholic fathers send them down to the corner video store to pick up a couple of pornos. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Brooklyn -- even the Dodgers left. (tphyll@aol.com; tpanner@hotmail.com)

Everyone's lucky number was 69. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com) They subsequently played Powerball with them. See?:

"Your daily lotto numbers are: #*@!%#$@" (dixiedawn30@yahoo.com) Which they said on remembering that you have to pick SEVEN numbers to win.

After reading one of the lurid fortunes,Little Bobby Jones, one of the children who was going to camp, was heard to exclaim, "If this is what being poor is all about, poor is OK with me!" (pjb1671@yahoo.com; tpanner@hotmail.com)

And a Brooklyn Dictionary," Terty tree boids asitten on uh kurb uh burbin an churpin an eaten wurrms (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

"Are you searching for that perfect 'gift'? Are you going through a break-up, divorce, or just discovered that your ex has cheated on you (not once but twice!)? Well then look no more! This is the gift, that just keeps giving! Also, be sure to get the Laxative powdered topping for $1.00 extra!" (dixiedawn30@yahoo.com) Still a bit bitter, are we?

What? You mean "Brooklyn- The 10th best place on the planet to get your freak on while eating a bagel" isn't true anymore? (guitartexn@aol.com) No. Tragically, they slipped to 11th when Woonsocket, RI launched its "Fill My Hole!" bagel promotion.

The fundraiser was a bust and the poor kids didn't get to go to camp. On the plus side, those graphically lurid fortune cookies provided an alternate method of entertainment during the long, hot summer months. (futuresobrite@aol.com)

The intended destination of shipment of cookies was a Metropolitan Opera gala. It's a well-kept secret that most operas are shockingly filthy -- that's why they're almost never in English. (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)

Honorable Mention - Do you kiss your mother with the mouth that ate that crap?:

It was later learned that the writing on the cookies was not obscene...just the names of entrees that are commonly served at a chinese restaurant. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Runner-Up - She knows because she held auditions:

Several women sued the company for putting out fake fortunes, because no man could do what it said in the cookie. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

And the Winner - Buy the CD! For every dollar spent, you'll get 50 Cent's worth:

One lucky purchaser read all his fortunes in a row, recording his recital over a tape copy of "The Humpty Dance" and now has a new rap record deal. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)