News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 20 Mar 06)

Hosted by Bucko

Girls Gone Moderate!
(Headline by cdmauger@aol.com; tpanner@hotmail.com)

CHICAGO, IL (AMA Journal) -- The American Medical Association is urging girls NOT to "go wild" on spring break. 83% of college women said they drank much more than usual; 74% admitted to increased sexual activity, along with public nudity & dancing on tables. Many reported getting sick, hung over, blacking out & having sex with more than one partner. Said Kathleen Fitzgerald, 21, a junior at Illinois State: "Duh, that's why we do it!".
(Keeping us abreast: ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Or as Cad calls it, "Tuesday." (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

Around here we call that "Friday night" (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Cool! TWO hot nights out! If that doesn't kill me.... my wife will.

Well, I usually push them off the table, I've been dancing on them for years...amateurs. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com; NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Divorce has that same effect. (lacee7700@aol.com)

I swear to you, college was not that fun when I was there. (wedrixe@netscape.net) Ever consider it was just you?

Yes, girls; to impress guys you don't reeeally have to go wild...just 'commando'! (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

100,000 college guys are asking for a second opinion. (skibip@aol.com)

Uhhh---Does anyone have an Illinois State Student Directory?? (jdcoops3@aol.com; williemelmoth@aol.com & LOTS of guys after some "tail", but you only get RAT'S Asses here) {People Finder - Illinois State University , with "Directory" as the click-word} Don't say I never did anything for you!

As it turns out, some members of the AMA are against imposing any kinds of restrictions on spring break activities. They suggest that, within reason, a little unrestrained celebration can be quite healthy. But mostly they were counting on the "blacking out" part. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The AMA is recommending instead that girls attend their annual convention in Cancun right after semester break. (rod.renner@juno.com; lacee7700@aol.com)

The AMA's message to guys was, "We're gonna tell the girls a crock of bullshit about them going wild with percentages and stuff and on the basis of reverse psychology, we should be able to get those numbers up a few points." (sheafitz1@netscape.com) It's so crazy, IT JUST MIGHT WORK! YESSS!

Ah, so that explains why the AMA received several nasty phone calls from Jerry Springer. (guitartexn@aol.com)

No more girls gone wild? Then what's the point of the Internet if I can't illegally download those Girls Gone Wild videos? (tpanner@hotmail.com) Sorry, you'll need a prescription now.

Said Kathleen Fitzgerald's parents, "Uh, that's not why we pay for your tuition." (razcactus@netzero.com)

No statistics were quoted for men, since they act like drunken rutting pigs ALL the time. (wedrixe@netscape.net)

Listen, the only girls that come around here on spring break are going to Disney. You think WE get any of the loose girls? Fat chance! (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

And 6% said "Who is Bucko...and why does my butt have a tattoo that says he was there?" (jaberwock@yahooy.com) Shameless pandering. But, I 'went for it' then, so I will now, too.

In a related story, a recent poll of college women indicated that women who say "Duh" are 10 times as likely to contract gonorrhea, syphilis, and hepatitis. (tmhayes18@cfl.rr.com)

Can't they have sex with me BEFORE getting sick, hung over and blacking out? (strontium901@juno.com)

There goes the "glass half empty" AMA again. I mean, come on: 17% drank less, 26% were abstinent, wore clothes, and ate dinner at tables. (cdmauger@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com) And in other parts of "Dullsville USA":

It's all about location, though. To be fair, according to MIT student Hubert McBrackenbush, 83% of college students browse the Internet for stargazing tips, and 74% show an increase in chess-playing. (cdmauger@aol.com) Wouldn't you rather be here?:

This is much worse than it sounds! 17% must be drinking that way ALL the time and a WHOPPING 26% is dancing nude on tables and having so much sexual activity that is it impossible for them to have an increase in this behavior during spring break! (dennisilvr@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Then Miss Fitzgerald told the reporter, "Here are the socks you left over at my place last night." (jaynashvil@aol.com) "Uh, your USC socks say 'Go Trojans!' on them, and well...."

The Peevedbody Award - She's the one with the bikini top hanging down to her knees:

The boys get reeling drunk, too. Not drunk enough to bang my mother-in-law, though. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize - The truth hurts, so let them heal themselves:

The people in charge of the American Medical Association are actually a bunch of bored teens who have never experienced spring break and spend their day watching Star Trek. (timamod@aol.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - Hoping to get on "Medicare Part DD":

And these will become my caretakers when I become a senior citizen! (tphyll@aol.com)