News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 21 Apr 06)

Hosted by Bucko

The End-of-the-World Series
(Headline Soxed in by catbiddle@brown.edu)

Philadelphia, PA (Brotherly Love News) -- Retired major league baseball All-Star Darren Daulton, 44, says that he understands dimensions of reality & realms beyond the 5 senses that few Earthlings know. He first experienced his extraordinary power after delivering a game-winning hit in the 90s. He broke into tears after the game, discovering that " Something happened, but I didn't hit that ball." He said that things will become clearer on Dec. 12, 2012, at 11:11 a.m. GMT... because that's when the world will end.
(Story dingered in by fansteel68@hotmail.com)

Apparently, he got hit by the ball instead of hitting it. (rod.renner@juno.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com & a Godzilla-sized bean-bag of others)

That's what happens when these rookie drug users on steroids get all tough & think they can handle a little meth. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com; archerjoe@hotmail.com & other Balcohorts)

Coincidentally that's when, due to a two-month break in the season to help with a severe corn shortage in Nebraska, the Cubs will clinch the World Series. (scalpel@aol.com) Yeah? See the following:

That's impossible. The Cubs can't win a World Series in December. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) Or any other month....

I remember MY first Red Bull; it was something similar to that! (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

I hear there's a new baseball movie in the works..Robert Redford will play Daulton, it will be called, "The Supernatural". (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

And yet somehow, that call from the Hall of Fame just never seems to come. (razcactus@netzero.com) Ain't it a bitch? He comes out smelling like a Pete Rose.

Dec. 12, 2012, at 11:11 a.m. GMT - isn't that exactly when the Phillies will receive their next World Series champion rings? (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

This Round's "Go Bucko Yourself!" Verbosey Fest:

"Something happened, but I didn't hit that ball". What really happened, Darren later related, was that God had placed a bet against the Phillies and got really pissed when Darren got the game winning hit. He started yelling at Darren, and calling him names and threatening to strike him with lightning and such things. The shaken ballplayer was reduced to tears and tried to convince everyone that the hit was just an accident -- a fluke. "I didn't even mean to swing" he pleaded. God eventually calmed down and told Darren He'd put off the end of the world until December 12, 2012, at 11:11 a.m. -- the date and time that Darren would be run over by a city bus. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

In unrelated news, a new study released by the University of Pennsylvania confirms that the combination of steroids and pine tar can really mess with your brain. (skibip@aol.com)

What? You've never heard of the ball-bearing angel? (pjb1671@yahoo.com) He comes in the dead of night, bearing the fruits of puberty....

Jeez...a lot of good that will do us. Just when things become "clearer".....BOOM !!! (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

The thing that really bugs Darren: all that spontaneous levitation right in the middle of dinner at a fancy restaurant as he feels himself drifting off into the 57th dimension. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Ooh, I know how he delivered the hit! UPS! :) (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) You're incorrigible! Daphne writes back: I have always been that way. Sometimes, it ain't always in a good way.

That time and date, coincidentally, coincide with the time and date that Dalton is oficially inelegible for the old timers hall of fame ballot, and, he recieves his last deferred paycheck from the Phillies. (L1061S@GO.COM)

Why can't the world end on Friday, December 13, 2013 at 13:13? Wouldn't that make more sense: the world ending on Friday the 13th? (master_of_luv@hotmail.com)

Still bragging about 1 hit 10 years ago? Sounds like every drunk ex-high school player at the bar down the street. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com) Yes.... the other patrons request that you shut the hell up about it already!

Yeah well, when I broke into tears and started babbling about the wold ending, my shrink gave me anti-depressants. I still think the world will end soon, but I feel lots better about it. (pjb1671@yahoo.com)

Woooowwwww, he's really out there in left field somewhere. That game-winning ball he didn't hit is now traveling through space on Comet Hale-Bopp, the very same comet he could have hitched a ride on in 1997 with them other people. (ubinrude@peoplepc.com; bjjtoff@tds.net)

Daulton's current project to assist humans is working with several sludge plants, co-ordinating and overseeing the breakdown, consolidation, and removal of varying forms of crap. (paracletus3@earthlink.net) Faboo! Let's get this guy to Washington D.C., STAT!

That makes perfect sense! My cousin is 22, and he's only HALF nuts. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

Mr. Daulton also stated that "I think that ball players today using steroids is a total disgrace, but a little micro-dot acid never really hurt anybody." (Eleman8859@aol.com)

Darren never delivered that game winning hit. No one had that heart to tell him that the pitch actually bounced off the dirt and hit him flush in the crotch. He was helped to first base and the Phillies won the game on a bases loaded hit batsman. He's never been the same since. (tpanner@hotmail.com) This is what happens when you do all your thinking with "the wrong head".

Was he crying when he missed the ball, or did the stuff he didn't take get in his eyes? (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

...with his teeth clenched fierce with hate, the mighty Daulton pounded on the plate. Oh, somewhere there's cuckoo's singing, and places where all the nuts are cracked, but Daulton's days are finished as we think this dude is whacked! (paracletus3@earthlink.net) But, many nay-Thayers dithagreed.

One of the senses he has discovered is the "non-sense". (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

The Duo-Peevedbody Award - One explains the other; subject of an upcoming "TV" special:

Yeah, everyone's used up all the steroid jokes, haven't they? just in case: now we have proof that steroids shrink brain cells along with "other things". (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Scarier is the fact that he's started signing autographs as "Sarah Connor". (rochford@netaus.net.au)

The Bullspitzer Prize - If I had a dime bag for every time this has happened to me:

Daulton further ruined his credibility when he stated he'd gotten his premonition from listening to the Rush album "2112" while snorting angel dust, then subtracting 100. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner:

The only way to break the curse is to drive a Philly Steak through his batting arm. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)