News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 23 Jan 07)

Hosted by Bucko

Mom and POP!
(Headline delivered by rlrvsny28@optonline.net)

WEST YORKSHIRE, UK (Halifax Courier) -- Nick Fennelly's girlfriend, Sharon Taylor, was deeply in labor. He rushed her into Calderdale Royal Hospital just as the baby's head started to appear. Too late: The baby shot out of her mother so quickly, Fennelly couldn't grab her in time. She hit the floor, skidded, & then rebounded on the umbilical cord. Except for a bruise, little Ashleigh is fine.

The first babe to ever bungee jump using an umbilical cord. (luganrn77@yahoo.com; jdcoops3@aol.com & thousands of other jerkers)

When they finally cut the cord it snapped back in Nick's face, causing him to cry like a baby. (bjjtoff@adelphia.net) Man, talk about getting "whipped" by a girl straight from- No, NO!! Not this early in the list!

Ashleigh came into this world confirming, once again, Newton's Third Law of Motion. (humorbear@aol.com)

However, the hotel manager informed the couple: "Pick up that bloody leash and get your ugly pet trick monkey out of here!" (maxcel200@aol.com) Harsh.

He failed to get there in the Nick of time! (giggle) (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Next on Mythbusters: Can a baby, shot out of a vagina, actually bounce, skid and rebound on its own umbilical cord? (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) Adam loses the toss, and then....

One heroic nurse tried to warn others just before it happened by yelling, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" (humorbear@aol.com)

Now, THERE would be a placenta for Tom Cruise to munch on. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) I still say he should've waited for the kid to be born first.

Sure, that was totally unnecessary & gross.... but, could I leave it out? Inconceivable!

Funny - "shot out so quickly" was Fennelly's excuse that got her pregnant to begin with. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com; rod.renner@juno.com)

"Life of a Soccer Hooligan" chapter one, page one. (seeker@vcoms.net)

We dont want to say what happened when Sharon went to the restroom to relieve herself. (maxcel200@aol.com) NO, WE CERTAINLY DO NOT!

The parents have requested the press stop already with the "bouncing baby girl" comments. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com, Gerald McBoingBoing & others with a dribbling problem)

That's what she gets for taking all those "De Masse'" labor classes... (Hey! Whassamatta? No pool players out there???) (lilfishjean@sbcglobal.net) Let's throw 'em a curve & see who gets it.

Can't you just see the tabloids in London: WEST YORKSIRE: THE TOT THAT WAS HEARD AROUND THE WORLD. (humorbear@aol.com)

Amazing. Same thing happened to me when my girlfriend had a gas attack during sex. (skibip@aol.com) TMI! TMI!

The new parents were delighted when they discovered that the hospital would bill them on a "sliding scale." (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

Surprising as this was, no one was more surprised than Fennelly's wife when she read the article in the Halifax Courier the following morning. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)

They later found out that the baby was the illegitimate child of Johnny Knoxville. (murdoctor@aol.com) Yep, she got "punk'd" when she got sp- oh, I just can't....

Ms Taylor is OK now; she did receive minor injures on her thighs and pelvic bone from baby powder burns. (humorbear@aol.com)

Born in Calderdale Hospital, right? So they shouldn't have named her Ashleigh..they should have called her Dale. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Unfortunately, Nick's mate, Nigel Watson missed getting the whole incident on tape, denying the world all the laughs by uploading it on the net. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) You are wrong, unwashed camel g-string breath:

As expected, Fennelly's YouTube video of it already surpassed one million hits. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - The "long arm of the law" is going for the catch:

Baby-dropping? A Fennelly offense. (tainsam@aol.com)

The Silver Shytekicker - And sure enough, there WAS a hole in it:

Nick was heard to say "Now I know where that damn rubber I used disappeared to!" (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Conspiracy theorists are already crawling all over it:

Twins were suspected when a second shot was heard coming from the mother's 'grassy knoll'! (maxcel200@aol.com)