News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 23 Oct 06)

Hosted by Bucko

The Birds & the Spelling Bees
(Good head-line by maxcel200@aol.com; tphyll@aol.com)

MONROE, NY (EduGeek.net) -- Pine Tree Elementary School officials apologized after a highly explicit, X-rated font showed up in a third-grade spelling packet handed out on Open House Night. The font showed male & female stick figures in obscene poses to form the letters of the alphabet. Administrators said the teacher did not insert the font intentionally.
(Story Kama-Sutra'd in by bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

The original font was based on heroin needles. (scalpel@aol.com)

The damn Chinese are clobbering us again! Our alphabet, 26 letters. Theirs, 3,000. Kind of explains the huge population. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

The Inevitable Congressional "PornFoley-OH!"

Unfortunately, it was the same font used by ex-Congressman Foley in his text messages to the Congressional pages. (luganrn77@yahoo.com; rod.renner@juno.com & LOADS of others who oughta be "intern"ed)

Gasp!! The children were exposed to full fontal nudity! (rod.renner@juno.com; ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)

Some day, MY prints will come. (tphyll@aol.com) You have an inkling?

Thank goodness for the teacher the letters were in lower case, or else it would have been a capital offense! (maxcel200@aol.com)

That's my favorite font . . . Gen-italic. (cdmauger@aol.com)

It was a simple mix-up. That was the packet she was supposed to hand out when she met with the "gifted" boys after school. (astae@paonline.com) Those guys in the Chess Club really know how to move their pieces!

"Aaaaaay! It's The Fonts!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The good news was that for the first time in the school's history, 100 percent of the parents were helping their kids with their homework assignments! (maxcel200@aol.com; GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com, other "hoam skoolers")

Who the f*** gives a s***? (tphyll@aol.com) That would be the "%" stroke, uh, KEYstroke. It's pretty nasty, even in my book.

The fonts, however, were instrumental in wiping out the attention-deficit problem of all 30 students in the special ed class! (maxcel200@aol.com)

Come to find out, the font was meant for the fifth grade sex education classes. 100% of the boys had the stick sex figures with the big "O" but only 36% of the girls got one. (Dspur57098@aol.com)

That's right, kids: I before E, except after the bending over woman. (cdmauger@aol.com)

And now: The Geekiest Entry in Mediacrity's History:

Apparently, it was a class for kids with kerning disabilities. (murdoctor@aol.com) (Of course, I'm just as geeky, because I got it.)

Later that night in the bedroom, the parents discovered how bad THEY are at spelling. (wedrixe@netscape.net; tphyll@aol.com, other lysxecids)

When asked to comment, former President Bill Clinton remarked: "I did not have sexual relations with that vowel!" (j_perreaux@hotmail.com)

Also, no one knew how those cute little painted condom finger puppets turned up in the school's fourth-grade art class. (maxcel200@aol.com)

"No, you were supposed to use WingDings!" (murdoctor@aol.com; ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) It was a simple case of crossed 'i's; an 'a' for the first & an 'o' for the second.

They actually stole this idea from Mississippi, the "anything for higher literacy" state. (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)

However, when the spelling list for the week included the words 'missionary', 'virgin' and 'orgasm', Mary Kay LeTourneau could not be reached for comment. (CoyPsyche@aol.com; YukiMerricoon@aol.com using 'Debra LaFave', others seeking "extra credit")

The head master apologized, saying that it was only meant to be used in the sex education class. (rod.renner@juno.com) (Make a lurid comment on "Head" master, or not? Hmm, flip a coin.... Dammit, it came up tails! Well, I can work that angle, too....)

Didn't insert the font intentionally - right - just the tip. I mean it was a tip-off. Yes, that's what I mean. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com; JoyfulDJoy@aol.com & other dysfontionals)

This was an advertisement for the local movie theatre, which is showing an X-rated version of "Sesame Street." (Where you can learn why Oscar is such a Grouch.) (tphyll@aol.com; humorbear@aol.com)

You aren't going to be a miserable son of a bitch, and NOT tell us where we can get this font, are you? (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com; tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) Quit that heavy breathing, and I'll THINK about it it!

This part of Sesame Street is brought to you by the X and Y chromosomes, and by the number 69. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com; craigieb@aol.com)

Parents approached the teacher in order to get their spelling packets autographed, in order to double their value on eBay. (tphyll@aol.com)

The angriest protestors were the gay and lesbian parents, since they had no representation. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com; GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) Well, if you read between the lines....

Exactly how does one "insert" a font? Fetishists would love to know! (GerriHan65@aol.com)

You wouldn't believe what pictures they found in the teacher's books titled 'Fun With Dick and Jane'. (maxcel200@aol.com)

OK, OK! Tell you what: If you want to see the actual font from this story, send me a request through the entry box below, and I'll e-mail it to you! Where the hell else but Mediacrity can you get serviced like that? ;)

Five minutes after, the kids went to Kroger's and bought out the alphabet soup. (humorbear@aol.com)

This was definitely, an error in Spelling...Aaron Spelling, get it?...Oh, Tori about that! (Airfarcewon@aol.com) That's it! You are dead meat!

Clearly a case of Reading and Riting and Rithmatic taught to the tune of a Dickery Stick! (maxcel200@aol.com)

The teacher did not know; one or two of the kids called her attention to them. Kids these days get a lot from MySpace. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

The Peevedbody Award – Daisy Chayne has the connections to explain it all:

I'm still trying to figure out how the ampersand position is even possible. (murdoctor@aol.com)

The Co-Bullspitzer Prize – What a great tool; works for the children AND the adultery:

Upon learning the news, The Senior Citizens Center immediately adopted the typeface for use in all of its menus, talent show programs, and bingo cards. A happy senior exclaimed. "At last someone has discovered the font of youth!" (AuntShecky711@aol.com; tphyll@aol.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - And we thought Clinton's excuse at the time 'sucked':

It really DOES matter what the definition of "is" is. (tphyll@aol.com)