News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 24 Apr 07)

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Pump Your Pumps, and Get Some Bootee Booty
(Headline toe jammed in by humorbear@aol.com)

BOLOGNA, ITALY (The Independent) -- In a global Internet survey of fetishism, researchers from University of Bologna proved that feet (& shoes) were the world's most intense objects of desire; undergarments & "body fluids" were way behind. Neither genitals, breasts, legs nor buttocks were selected by more than 4 percent of those surveyed. 2 people indicated a "thing" for pacemakers (it was not disclosed whether they'd found each other yet).

I find fetishism weird and disgusting, although participating in a global survey ironically gave me a raging boner. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)

Who ran this survey, Ferragamo? (humorbear@aol.com) Nope. Lou Ferrigno.

You would think that a place called BOLOGNA would major on genitals, breasts, legs, buttocks, and "body fluids", considering what's in that stuff. (williemelmoth@aol.com)

This is one of the reasons why you take your shoes off before entering a dwelling in Japan...you wouldn't want to be sitting around discussing business with everybody having a hardon. (humorbear@aol.com)

So that's what's wrong with my love life....I need a pedicure. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Start with some soap & see what happens.

Accentuate that toe cleavage with our push-up odor eaters - new, from Dr. Sholl's. (CaptCrazee@gmail.com)

Sounds like a lotta' Bologna to me!...I know, me, and 400 other contestants! (Airfarcewon@aol.com; luganrn77@yahoo.com & 399 others)

You KNOW this is true if a shoeshine attendant spends over an hour polishing your Puppies. (humorbear@aol.com) You know YOU'RE a sicko when you get Hush Puppies shined. Perfectly good suede ruined for your cheap, tawdry thrills....

Where can I find the women who are into this? My penis is almost a foot. (rlrvsny28@optonline.net; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

There is something to this, because the latest ancient history report has the Shoes of the Fisherman blowing out the Imelda Marcos collection. (humorbear@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com) What'd you expect? He already has more dresses than Eddie Izzard, Elton John and J. Edgar Hoover combined.

Well, now I don't feel so silly about my fetish for meters. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

Hey...pacemakers are hotties...They say VP Dick Cheney got a hardon when his pacemaker picked up the beat of Louie Louie... (humorbear@aol.com) ....Anderson. They were made for one another.

I've seen mens genitals, and I wouldn't vote for them, either. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)

Can hear the Mothers now screaming, "Junior! What the hell you doing in the bathroom and WHERE'S my shoe rack?!" (humorbear@aol.com) I've heard your mother has quite a rack.

I hear Ellen DeGeneres only wears her shoes for one hour and then they sell them on eBay....I can only wonder who's buying them. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

So, is putting my foot in my mouth a form of humiliation and masturbation? (mashallaha@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com) Yes, and also a sign that you're running for pubic, er- public office.

So much for that Gerry & The Pacemakers reunion concert tour. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com; shep@compascable.net & others who beat regularly)

We are covering fetishes? I guess it was BOUND to happen sooner or later. (electronicwaffle@yahoo.com) I'm amazed it took me over two years to get around to it....

At last, I know what's been wrong with my entire sex life. (WJKbase@aol.com)

OK, Mr. Smarty Pants, I bet YOU don't know which shoes go best with being naked! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) This may surprise you, Little Red, but if an attractive woman is naked, I care not what shoes she's wearing. Call me a perv.

Well, duh. Society teaches us to be ashamed about sex, so we look down in shame, and then we see our feet. (mr_didgers@hotmail.com)

Of course, one of those with a pacemaker fetish was Anna Nicole Smith. (MindgameFiziks@hotmail.com)

Does that mean that Athlete's Foot will lose it's stigma? (GerriHan65@aol.com; tphyll@aol.com) Eau contraire, it'll get promoted to STD status.

It's true, my husband worships my feet. however, he worships ALL of me :) (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Yeeeeeaaaahhhh....I'm aroused and out to get my goody two-shoes. (humorbear@aol.com)

Completely wrong about body fluids; half the men I know LOVE being urinated on. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)

This has gotten so off the wall that now shoe companies are selling female fetish footwear for the fastidious or their latest craze, Nikes for nymphos. (humorbear@aol.com) Makes sense to me. I WANT the nymphos to run fast enough to catch me!

The shoe fetish saying: I would walk a mile in her shoes and whip my wire doing it. (humorbear@aol.com) (Wire??)

Suprisingly, no one selected having a fondness for Donald Trump's hair. (pcorradin@comcast.net)

CORRECTION: 2 people indicated a thing for "peacemakers" at the Woodstock festival in 1969 and have recently met at a grow-op. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

Well, this finally explains those Fellini films, doesn't it? C'mon 8 1/2? It's a SHOE SIZE, people! (CaptCrazee@gmail.com)

Just for clarification purpose, where did Llamas come in??? (SPTirish@aol.com) Your back door, as usual.

This brings on a whole new meaning for Nike's "Just Do it!" slogan. (rickandvirginia@comcast.net)

So, I'm still ahead on skin bags and planter warts? (irochford@optusnet.com.au)

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Where size STILL matters:

Really? I'd have voted for "wallet." (wedrixe@netscape.net)

The Silver Shytekicker - There's bizarre, sicko fetish, and then there's stupidity:

Italians, what do they know? they think a Fiat is a quality car. (skibip@aol.com)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Obsessively thorough; too bad no one was into "fugly":

See, that's just a bunch of Bologna. I took off my shoes, wrapped my underwear around my feet, and walked through a puddle of bodily fluids and I couldn't get a single Italian chick to even look at me. (cdmauger@aol.com)