News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 24 Dec 06)

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"We Shall Ovary Come.."
(Good head line given by

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (CNEWS) -- Two peace activists have planned a massive & unique anti-war demonstration for the Winter Solstice, December 22. The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, & Paul Reffell, 55. The goal: For everyone in the world to have an orgasm that day while focusing on world peace. "The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it," Reffell said.
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It's Christmas! HMO's anniversary! My 2nd anniversary at Mediacrity! This calls for a Cad-nabbit RApalooza, reprehensible posts and too many comments from me! YOWZA!

Of course we're going to observe this early - December 15th for Cad's birthday - so everyone, "One, two, three..." ( Gratuitous, Counselor, but I'll allow it.

Especially after I roll over and fall asleep. (

Just my luck; I've got other plans for that day. (

I'd be happy if my sex partner would demonstrate anything at all. ( Why? Don't you know how to, you know-?

Santa Claus commented, "Pimp my ride." (

Holy crap, it really DID move! ( Trust the Rochford files; he lives "Down Under", and "down under" is where all the action is!

I tired this today, but I am not sure. Does focusing on two women having sex count as focusing on world peace? (

Somehow, I just can't envision insurgents in Iraq delaying their bomb making activities to knock off a humpy. ( Wait a second- are you suggesting they "do" their CAMELS?

I hope they do! And that the camels then say "I've had better!"

Is this just a nice way to tell our enemies to F*** OFF? (;

Police spokesmen said they would have extra officers on duty for the demonstration, in case the situation got sticky. ( But don't shoot until you see the white of their- eh, you fill in the rest!

Finally, a GOP I can support! (

I'm sorry, but I must decline..That's on a Friday, and I never have sex on a Friday ( Well, that's Catholicism for you: You can only have fish, and no MEAT!

Sorry to all you Beatles fans, but "Give Piece a Chance" was old 30 years ago. Now, if you'd said "Give Me a Chance at a Piece", I might have gone with it.... ;)

Sure, of course you feel good during it and after it - it's trying to get it to happen that causes the war in the first place. (

Didn't they realize Winter Solstice is the SHORTEST day of the year? Why not do this during the LONGEST day? ( I hear you only need two minutes, anyway....

Good thing we only light up cigarettes after; if we customarily jumped, we'd throw the Earth totally out of orbit. (

Now we know why that Wonder Jock has had such a good reception. ( Yes, a better value than cable any day!

Conveniently, the following day, December 23rd, is Global Carpal Tunnel Day. ( What jerk scheduled that?

I guess this means Santa won't be coming down some chimneys. ( Or up.

Talk about some high expectations: "Was it good for you and those third world countries?" (

Make sure you use protection when getting a peace of Donna, Paul; you don't want her getting pregnant. (

I guess this means I can bring my "Make Love Not War" posters down from storage? ( You put them away? When were they NOT relevant, Smedley?

For the abstinence crowd, Disney will participate in the GOP selling Goofey-shaped vibrators. ( You think this is impossible? (Sigh) Check out the paragraph under the first picture HERE ( and the news item HERE (

Usually after I have an orgasm, I have an incredible feeling of self-doubt coupled with being about $50 shorter on cash. (

Fundamentalist groups oppose this. They don't know what an orgasm is. (

My wife is already asking how to fake peace. (; Your wife is George Bush??

This is banned for gay and lesbian couples as being unpatriotic. ( Except in Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and of all places, New Friggin' Jersey!

Rejected names for the demonstration included Unplanned Parenthood Day, Go F*ck Yourself Friday, and Stop The World I Want To Get It On. (

It boils down to a choice between sex OR violence. ( What amazes me is that some people apparently have a lot of trouble coming up with the most upstanding answer.

I do this dedicated research for you guys because I'm a serious journalist, dammit! I have all the hard facts, right here!

Well, that, and my propensity to always want the last word....

The only peace I'll be thinking about is a piece of ass. (

If things are not depressing enough for me at Christmas time...this means two days I have to celebrate alone! ( There's always Boxing Day, wink wink nudge nudge.

And now: The "Generation Crap" Section -

Sheehan was quoted as saying "Hey, at my age, sometimes you need to make up a global holiday just to get laid". (; & an unlicensed Lamaze instructor)

Sources say the 76-year-old Sheehan will start now to have an orgasm by then. ( Exactly who are these "sources" of yours, and how do they know?

He must be some sorry ass dude to have to create such an event in order to get laid by a 76 year old broad. (

How can a seventy-six year old broad still remember orgasms? ( This from a guy who's a virgin older than Steve Carrell!

Dear Donna and Paul: I'm 92 years old...I might have to I start on December 21. Is that okay? (

However, only this man truly has the fine vintage cojones to be able to say this:

Wait a minute, have you ever tried to get an orgasm from a 76 year Madonna? It aint easy. Mr. 90-soon-91 who has some of his own doubts. (

There's yet to be a celebration for premature ejaculators but I hear that's coming quickly. (

Good pun! "The Global Orgasm for Peace was CONCEIVED" by Donna & Paul. Way to go! ( Well.... I might have "edited" that in.... maybe. ;)

And no faking it -- this is for world peace, dammit. (

Same old story. Half the world will fake it, the other half will have to hold their piece, and no one gets any peace. ( There's a word for that: Marriage.

There will be (ahem) widespread and up-close coverage of this event. (

Name the time and place. Is this BYOB?? ( Yes. Do bring your boobs.

I'll be right back. I have to show this to my hot neighbor. (

Hah, bumhug! (Ebeneezer Spooge) (

The Peevedbody Award – Just make Britney covers hers if she comes:

Unattached single women may opt to attend an alternative event in which they can sit around eating ice cream out of cartons and complain about not having a date for the evening. It's called the "Whiner Solace. Oh, and sorry, Gals, leave your cats at home. (Of course, we mean the four-legged variety. If you've got the other kind of cat, you'll probably both come to the Orgasm thingie.) (

The Bullspitzer Prize – Try thinking about base balls, fella:

Great, not only do I have to focus on HER orgasm, now I have to focus on world peace at the same time? I haven't even mastered drinking coffee and driving - I'm so screwed, and not in the good way. (

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - Not to mention the G-spots on the sheets:

And if all the men cry out simultaneously, that will create the world's biggest sperm wail. (