News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 24 Mar 07)

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Thanks For The Misery
(Headline scored by

MEADOW LAKE, SASKATCHEWAN, CANADA (CBC News) -- Referee Dale Neudorf, 45, was badly hurt when player Nolan Crighton cross-checked him in the face with his stick & then assaulted him on the ice. His bizarre luck: at the hospital, doctors discovered a large tumor in his brain. Neudorf credited God's mysterious ways of looking after him, saying that the broken nose, other facial injuries & short-term memory loss were "probably a good thing".
(Story pucked up by

Well, the referee can't lay charges for something he doesn't remember. (

When informed that Chrighton had also run off with Neudorf's wife, the referee said that this was "definitely a good thing." ( Turned out "she" was Wayne Gretzky in drag.

In a related story, hockey player Chris Simon is using his indefinite suspension from the NHL to embark on a cross-country faith healing tour. (

Don Cherry called Crighton's 10-game suspension excessive, since he was just trying to remove the tumor with radical surgery through Neudorf's nose. (

The hospital that Neudorf was treated at was Saskatoon's Royal University Hospital...not that it really matters...I just liked the sound of the word "Saskatoon". ( One of the two other major cities in Saskatechewan: Regina.... rhyming with vagina. COINCIDENCE??

When asked where the tumor was located, the doctor chuckled "Offsides." (

Does Dale Neudorf sleep near a sandbox? (

Etiquette rule: When visiting Canada, cross check people in the face. It's part of the national healthcare system.. .they will thank you later, if they remember. (

The "You Guys Always Head Straight Below the Belt" Section:

As for the swift kick Chrighton had delivered to his groin (with a skate, no less!), Neudorf said, "The joke's on him! He just saved me a fortune on my vasectomy!" (

God does work in mysterious ways. If you think a referee being beaten by a hockey player to discover his tumor is ironic, you should see what he did to the male gynecologist to make him aware of his prostate cancer. (

Too bad he didn't hit him lower so they could find the hernia & hemorrhoids. ( Only a referee could NOT notice his gut hanging over his "hoser" and having his ass on fire.

His good luck continued the next day when doctors removed his wife's foot from his ass after making such stupid comments and found a big ole batch of colon cancer (

Great! I'll go drop-kick his nuts and he'll feel even luckier. (

However, Mr. Neudorf was unwilling to relay the string of events that led to the diagnosis of prostate cancer. (;, other butt-pokers)

Have to admit, you guys have me flummoxed as to how 8 of you went for the prostate....

Ten other referees have since been hospitalized. In each instance, the player claimed he was trying to help the referee's bad vision. (

Next week he plans to have Mike Tyson tune him up for his visit to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist ( First, he'll stop to have a bite.

Doctors worked hours on end to save Neudorf...but he was lost in sudden death overtime! (

Turns out, the 'tumor' was actually a puck from 1988. So, now he's just an ugly, broken-nosed puck-head. (;, other no-brainers)

This brings to light a new question on the theological front: Was the staff of Moses shaped like a hockey stick? ( According to the Book of Exodus: "And yea, did Moses smite Pharoah with a goodly slap shot to the cojones, scoringeth a double goal for the Israelites; being a humble man, he vied not for the hat trick."

However, Neudorf did file a lawsuit against his doctors for finding the tumor. (

See? Violence CAN solve problems. Even God thinks so. (

Unfortunately, due to his limited brain function, Neudorf will now only be able to get a job as a French Olympic ice-skating judge. (

Then the tumor decided to cross-check him in the frontal lobes and he's been in a coma ever since. ( Which, however, hasn't stopped him from leaving hockey and entering politics.

The best thing about the "short-term memory loss"? Doesn't remember those riveting hour-by-hour Britney Spears updates. (

"Badly hurt"...yes, better clarify that so the Canadian people don't confuse it with that "goodly hurt" that USUALLY happens during most hockey games. (

What KIND of assault on the ice? Did it involve any squealing like a pig? (; UnaVoightably. He Beattyed it right out of him.

But, of course, Referee Neudorf also signs up for elective root canals... (

Neudorf was overheard saying "Are you out of your fucking mind??!" when the doctor suggested he get "body-checked" in six months. (

Asked about the Zamboni, Neudorf said he hadn't had sex yet, so he wasn't sure. (

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize -

Hey Dale, you ok? How many teeth am I holding up? (

The Silver Shytekicker -

If he were American, he'd blame the tumor on the assault, and sue for damages. Sadly, he'd win. (

And our Golden Gunkchunker -

In a later interview, God stated, "Well, yeah, I was gonna cure his tumor anyway, but I figured what the hell, let's have a little fun with it." (