News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 24 May 06)

Hosted by Bucko

Red Rum! Red Rum!
(Headline jiggered in by Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Szeged, Hungary (The Advertiser) -- Some builders found a 300 liter barrel of rum while renovating an old house, & drank their way to the bottom. They tried to remove the “evidence”, but the barrel was still very heavy & broke open. Their nasty surprise: the body of a naked man fell out. Nonetheless, workers said the rum had a "special taste" and kept the bottles they’d decanted and taken home.
(Story Dead-lined by Mistahtom@aol.com; Cadeaux@aol.com)

Would it have been any less nasty if the man had been clothed? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Quite possibly. Most men dress in poor taste.

A long-unsolved murder finally has the "proof" they need... (murdoctor@aol.com)

That was Captain Morgan, you dipshits! (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com, & several others serving naked under the Captain) Oh, if only it had been RUMsfeld!

When asked to explain, one of the workers said that the rum had a "full-bodied taste." (stan@squidworks.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com, other hind-tasters)

"Special taste" = "Tastes like ass" (stan@squidworks.com) What I want to know: How do YOU know what ass tastes like? Huh huh huh?

Well, they say tequila is better with a worm in it...sooo? (Airfarcewon@aol.com; rockyhorrr@aol.com and a fifth of everyone else)

Yeah, I remember that "special taste". Long story (timamod@aol.com) I'll bet!

When asked, one of the builders remarked: "It started out as a barrel of fun, but we really didn't know the guy, so that might have been a lie." (j_perreaux@hotmail.com)

David Blaine then reprimanded the clueless Hungarian builders for ruining his 'Hold My Breath and Urine in A Barrel of Rum for Two Weeks' Trick. (maxcel200@aol.com) Crap! This might have been the one to finally kill that idiot!

If your Mai-tai has a short and curly in it, don't drink it. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Later, the Hungarian builders were served with subpoenas: one from Captain Morgan and the other from Norman Mailer, who is suing them for their unauthorized use of "The Naked and the Dead." (AuntShecky711@aol.com) Lord Admiral Nelson joined in, and those builders are really over a barrel now.

Recycling embalming fluid. Nice. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com; bjjtoff@tds.net)

If you like Penis Coladas... (rsherman@netplexgroup.com) Order one up, really hard and with a couple of rocks in it! Then you'll say:

Now, that's I call a really good "STIFF" drink! (wintermaza@hotmail.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Is it a worldwide trend. Builders in Japan discovered a barrel of sake under the same circumstances. Well, one difference: instead of a body, they found 1,483 fingers. (seeker@vcoms.net) DAMN YOU, YAKUZAS!

This pretty much confirms the rumors of "Smirkin' George 'The Decider'," ... the kinder, gentler pirate. According to legend, not all his planks led to the ocean deep. (globalview1@aol.com)

The workers just commented "Whoever this Jimmy Hoffa fella was, he must have died happy with that simile on his face after they put him in that barrel." (ericray64@sbcglobal.net) I'm sure you meant "smile", but "simile" is funnier!

Although, now, the Hungarian media admits that the event actually occurred some ten years ago. Some cases of the bottled remains of the barrel are being kept at the embassy as VSOP (Very Special Old Person), to be served to visiting dignitaries. (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Just like the worm in the bottom of a Tequila bottle. No one wants to eat the dead man in the bottom of the barrel either. (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com) Even more women refuse to eat a LIVE man anywhere, any time.

Distillery officials breathed a sigh of relief when they discovered that the body had been in the barrel for only a few days. "Our finest barrels are often aged 10 to 15 years. By then there is little left of the body", boasted Laszlo Kovacs, Chief of Operations of the Szedged Distillery. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The Peevedbody Award – Based on an old joke that also was in bad taste:

Detectives determined the dead man was from a neighboring country. "He's a cancelled Czech", they commmented. (skibip@aol.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize – Some keen Irish thinking:

Oh, it pissed off a few of them; that stupid body probably displaced about 25 liters of what COULD have been rum. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - Skip the Drambuie & order a manly drink:

When in Hungary, be sure to order a glass of Rum and Corpse-a-Cola. (jaynashvil@aol.com)