(updated 25 Jan 06)

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(Header suggested after a look in the mirror by old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (Sun-Sentinel) -- Brown University's library boasts an anatomy book that combines form and function in macabre fashion. Its cover -- tanned and polished to a smooth golden brown, like fine leather -- is made of human skin. Supposedly, such binding is no longer done & is illegal in most countries. Collectors included doctors using skin from amputated parts & unclaimed bodies. Wealthy bibliophiles acquired skin from executed criminals.
(Kamasushi@gmail.com suggested the topic, he can't "hide"!)

So, now you can really tell a book by his or her cover. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com, 4,000 other lazy readers)

"This travel journal is a little pricier but we feel it's worth the extra coinage, Sir. It's made from leftover foreskins and when you find yourself outdoors you need but rub it and 'Voila!', it becomes a 4-man tent with window flaps!" (thedraugr@yahoo.com; mitchwatts@yahoo.com and a TON of other "swelled heads" leaving "tips" that were too small) The salesman beat the charge of price gouging, since the prosecution only had circumcisional evidence.

Yes, that was cheap, unnecessary and too easy. You guys have your nerve!

How do these books get red? When you take them out in the sun. Yuk, Yuk, Yuk! (maxcel200@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

In answer to the many inquiries, the librarian has made it clear that it is not shelved near the skin flute. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Dare I even ask where the appendix of these books came from? (maxcel200@aol.com; ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) I had a gut feeling you were going to ask that.

"Get me that anatomy book, or I'll tan your hide!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com; thedraugr@yahoo.com, & a LOT of other people trying to get spanked on purpose)

Back in my day, the lowest-scoring student got to become a book cover. Sure, some parents complained, but it built character! We didn't have drop-outs and no-accounts like you kids today, no sir! (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

I guess that's no worse than the stuff in a hot dog. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Name one thing that IS worse than the stuff in a hot dog (without naming any people!)

Ironically... a case where you can pore over a book and still not be to the first page. (maxcel200@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com, other leper-phobes)

Doc #1:'I like that binding.. is that lambskin?' Doct#2 'No, that's Charles.' *bah-doom, ching!* (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

"Well, that solves a mystery in OUR household," said the librarian's wife. "Now I know why he's been going through so many bottles of Lubriderm." (AuntShecky711@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com & other jerky slicks)

The skin was traced to a married man... how do they know the man was married? The book has no spine. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com; sheafitz1@netscape.com) Once again: While we sympathize, NYCM can't help with your personal problems. We WILL, however, gladly mock them.

I thought "bibliophiles" were those creepy guys in the back rows at the library. (scalpel@aol.com; old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com, other beady-eyed perverts whose lips read when they move)

The perfect ending for those with unsatisfying sex lives...from now on you will now be touched reverently, and your skin stroked until you 'open up'! (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

And one lucky "collector" may soon be able to buy one or more of Michael Jackson's noses on E-bay. (L1061S@go.com; tpanner@hotmail.com) No, no! The books are covered in SKIN, not plastic!

Laurel and Hardy are busy working on a "Who's on the cover?" skit. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Late fees at the library are an arm and a leg. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

"One more unnecessary leg removal, Nurse Kelly, and we'll complete the whole Harold Robbins set!" (wedrixe@netscape.net) HAROLD ROBBINS? OK, that's just disturbing.

In a related story, the Sociology Department plans on covering their Human Sexuality textbooks in a high quality condom latex. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Do they accept nominations, and do they have to be actually dead? (wedrixe@netscape.net; DLivermore2002@yahoo.com, others thankfully not knowing my address)

In related research, military weapons developers are experimenting with George Hamilton's leathery exterior for tank armor. (deweywins@yahoo.com)

I've been saving all the dead skin from when I sunburn and peel each summer. You suppose they could use that? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) What a flaky idea....

I tried to sell a horror book with this kind of cover, which didn't work - the spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com; deweywins@yahoo.com)

Which explains the dramatic fashion how the book must be returned. The librarian insists on saying "It places the book in the basket...." (guitartexn@aol.com) And if you don't, you get Lectered severely.

That's funny, doesn't Clarence Thomas have a book where all the letters are actually carefully formed pubic hairs? (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Rabbi Goldstein took 8 years and almost 1500 circumcisions to create a proper cover for his "Dick-tionary" (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Let's hope the Human Sexuality textbook covers don't also combine form and function. (tpanner@hotmail.com) The paper cuts alone.... Ow!

The book is really a test for medical students. If they can stand to touch the book, then they're well on their way to being able to cope with touching big, fat, sweaty people in the emergency room. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

George W. Bush has reportedly agreed to donate his skin upon death to cover the first edition of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dummies" (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

So...the next time somebody calls my ass "worthless", I can honestly tell them it's NOT? (paracletus3@earthlink.net) Purely on this technicality.... yes.

Honorable Mention - It's no skin off SOME peoples' noses, but:

Supposedly, warrantless wire taps are no longer done and are illegal in the US as well, so take it for what it's worth. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Runner-Up - From a rogue antique dealer trying to jack up the price, hard:

Out of curiousity: how old is that book...in dogears? (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

And the Winner - Still, there's nothing like a book you can really get yourself into:

My book cover must be made of skin grafts from the inner thighs of Courtney Love. It won't stay closed. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)