News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 25 May 08)

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NEW YORK, NY (Newsweak) Plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Salzhauer and Big Tent Books have come out with a new guide for a growing market. Called "My Beautiful Mommy", it's for children of women having operations like breast enhancement, nose jobs, tummy tucks & butt lifts. It aims to reassure children that mommy's bruises & bandages are just temporary and that mommy won't be different, "just prettier".
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"But, Mommy, why are you getting a nose job? Doesn't Daddy think you're already pretty enough?" ( Another damn question with no safe answer.

Followed up with "Mommy's New Boyfriend and My Weekends with Daddy". (

Older siblings chipped in a Mother's Day gift where Mom got the full beauty works, only for her, three days later, to run off with the Taliban. (

Unfortunately, the book doesn't cover how to explain to kids why mommy's lips now look like earthworms. ( By the way, earthworms are hermaphrodites. Think of that next time she kisses you.

Mom may be prettier, but she still can't cook for sh*t. (

No, honey, those aren't stripper bars, those are self-esteem bars! (

The "More from the Adultery Bookstore" collection:

From the Publishers of "Where's Daddy?", a guide for children of mothers who let themselves go. (

Before Dr Salzhauer's comestic surgery, two sexist siblings wrote a scathing book about their life with a porker, butt-ugly mom: "Children Of A Twinkie Broad" (

Or how about one for a parent having a sex change called, "My Beautiful Mommy's Now Daddy" or vice versa. ( Chapter 69: Pre-op Cross-Dressing.

If successful, Big Tent Books plans to publish a follow-up guide called "My New Daddy" which will reassure children that the new husband mommy caught with her improved looks won't be much different from the old one, "just richer". (;

People have bypassed Dr Salzhauer's book & surgery by picking up "My Beautiful Mumsy Kit" at the drug store...a $99 box containing directions plus ether and scout knife. (

I ain't picking wife-beating entries.... but if I did, it'd be this one:

This is a follow-up book to "Daddy Already Told Mommy Twice" which explains to children why mommy has two black eyes. (

His next work is a self-help book titled "Suture Self." (

It makes a great gift set his previous "My Deteriorating Daddy" book. (

Hey, as long as they're explaining things can they write one entitled "Why Mommy buys Stretchpants". ( Chapter One: Why in the Fuck Are They Lime Green?"

There will be two special chapters; one for the boys called 'Dude, You're Mom's a MILF,' the other for the girls called 'A Guide to the Future.' (

Also by Big Tent Books, "My Groin Is Doing That Thing Again," explaining 'blood flow' to pre-adolescent boys. (

Big Tent Books? Funny, I would think with a name like "Big Tent", they'd be producing a certain type of video. (

Any "prettier" and she'd have long, blonde hair, long skinny arms and legs that don't bend, a 44 inch bust, a waist size of zero and a friend named Ken. ( Aaaand Ken's friend, Gay Bob (anyone else remember that doll, or am I just old?)

Don't answer that.

Mommy may be a little confused from the pain medication, so when she comes home, be sure to tell her she's very pretty or she might accidentally strangle you with Daddy's intestines. (

Does Dr. Salzhauer drink on the job? Is he known to give breast jobs and a nose enhancements? ( Cross reference: Barbra Streisand. Ugly bitch....

Ironically, Dr. Salzhauer is keeping tight-lipped about his next book dealing with labial reconstruction. (

Yes, kids, every time they re-make mommy, they break the mould so no one else can look exactly like her, because human cloning is against the law. (

They have not mentioned the nose job my wife got, It looks like a cucumber. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM) "Mike! We got one confused with the Belgian guy who wanted a green wang!"

The kids are all for it, but have one request...a scream-reducing tongue tuck. (

My kids were seemingly benefitting from this book until we realized that the doctor slipped and Mommy now has a size 36DD shoe. Trust me, Mommy ain't prettier. (

Imagine the embarrassment of being told you don't look like yourself. (

She will, unfortunately, remain as bitchy as always. ( Also, they forgot about the back hair.

And don't worry, kids; Mommy won't EVER frown at you again...the Botox makes it impossible. (

And to maintain that beauty, mommy always goes to her GM dealer once every year to have her headlamps touched up and improve her performance. ( That Mr. Goodwrench, he knows how to use a tool.

Mommy needs to be prettier because she's a lame fuck. (

But mom, everyone tells me I look just like you. Does that mean I'm ugly too? ( Yes. Yes, it does.

...and then the handsome rich doctor peeled the skin back on her boobies and slid a plastic bag filled with salt water onto each one and pulled the skin back down and sewed it so it wouldn't leave a scar... and she lived happily and bouncily ever after. (

One woman who might want to get a butt lift? Pam Babcock ( "Babcock" is another condition they can fix.

Stop crying! Ten years is far too long to be nursing anyway. (

Don't let your child be frightened by your new ass. Encourage them to set their sippy cup on it if they have some doubt that it will stay there. (

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Leading to a very complex complex:

Dr. Salzhauer has announced his next book for young girls about body image and unconditional love, entitled "You're Deeply Flawed, But Mommy Loves You Anyway!" (

The Silver Shytekicker - There goes the church club audience:

It's okay, kids, Mommy was just grossing Jesus out, so we yanked her face back behind her ears. (

And our Golden Gunkchunker - After the "28 Years of Therapy" lawsuits hit 'em:

The first title: "Mommy Got Saggy After She Had You, Timmy" didn't go over too well. (