News That's Unfair & Off-Balance
(updated 25 May 08)
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The Butt Stops Here
(Headline laser-removed by Airfarcewon@aol.com)
NEW YORK, NY (Newsweak) Plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Salzhauer and Big Tent Books have come out with a new guide for a growing market. Called "My Beautiful Mommy", it's for children of women having operations like breast enhancement, nose jobs, tummy tucks & butt lifts. It aims to reassure children that mommy's bruises & bandages are just temporary and that mommy won't be different, "just prettier".
(Story implanted by firstname.lastname@example.org)
"But, Mommy, why are you getting a nose job? Doesn't Daddy think you're already pretty enough?" (email@example.com) Another damn question with no safe answer.
Followed up with "Mommy's New Boyfriend and My Weekends with Daddy". (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Older siblings chipped in a Mother's Day gift where Mom got the full beauty works, only for her, three days later, to run off with the Taliban. (email@example.com)
Unfortunately, the book doesn't cover how to explain to kids why mommy's lips now look like earthworms. (firstname.lastname@example.org) By the way, earthworms are hermaphrodites. Think of that next time she kisses you.
Mom may be prettier, but she still can't cook for sh*t. (email@example.com)
No, honey, those aren't stripper bars, those are self-esteem bars! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The "More from the Adultery Bookstore" collection:
From the Publishers of "Where's Daddy?", a guide for children of mothers who let themselves go. (email@example.com)
Before Dr Salzhauer's comestic surgery, two sexist siblings wrote a scathing book about their life with a porker, butt-ugly mom: "Children Of A Twinkie Broad" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Or how about one for a parent having a sex change called, "My Beautiful Mommy's Now Daddy" or vice versa. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Chapter 69: Pre-op Cross-Dressing.
If successful, Big Tent Books plans to publish a follow-up guide called "My New Daddy" which will reassure children that the new husband mommy caught with her improved looks won't be much different from the old one, "just richer". (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
People have bypassed Dr Salzhauer's book & surgery by picking up "My Beautiful Mumsy Kit" at the drug store...a $99 box containing directions plus ether and scout knife. (email@example.com)
I ain't picking wife-beating entries.... but if I did, it'd be this one:
This is a follow-up book to "Daddy Already Told Mommy Twice" which explains to children why mommy has two black eyes. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
His next work is a self-help book titled "Suture Self." (email@example.com)
It makes a great gift set his previous "My Deteriorating Daddy" book. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Hey, as long as they're explaining things can they write one entitled "Why Mommy buys Stretchpants". (Ringo@illuschoen.net) Chapter One: Why in the Fuck Are They Lime Green?"
There will be two special chapters; one for the boys called 'Dude, You're Mom's a MILF,' the other for the girls called 'A Guide to the Future.' (email@example.com)
Also by Big Tent Books, "My Groin Is Doing That Thing Again," explaining 'blood flow' to pre-adolescent boys. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Big Tent Books? Funny, I would think with a name like "Big Tent", they'd be producing a certain type of video. (email@example.com)
Any "prettier" and she'd have long, blonde hair, long skinny arms and legs that don't bend, a 44 inch bust, a waist size of zero and a friend named Ken. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Aaaand Ken's friend, Gay Bob (anyone else remember that doll, or am I just old?)
Don't answer that.
Mommy may be a little confused from the pain medication, so when she comes home, be sure to tell her she's very pretty or she might accidentally strangle you with Daddy's intestines. (email@example.com)
Does Dr. Salzhauer drink on the job? Is he known to give breast jobs and a nose enhancements? (firstname.lastname@example.org) Cross reference: Barbra Streisand. Ugly bitch....
Ironically, Dr. Salzhauer is keeping tight-lipped about his next book dealing with labial reconstruction. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)
Yes, kids, every time they re-make mommy, they break the mould so no one else can look exactly like her, because human cloning is against the law. (email@example.com)
They have not mentioned the nose job my wife got, It looks like a cucumber. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM) "Mike! We got one confused with the Belgian guy who wanted a green wang!"
The kids are all for it, but have one request...a scream-reducing tongue tuck. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
My kids were seemingly benefitting from this book until we realized that the doctor slipped and Mommy now has a size 36DD shoe. Trust me, Mommy ain't prettier. (email@example.com)
Imagine the embarrassment of being told you don't look like yourself. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
She will, unfortunately, remain as bitchy as always. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) Also, they forgot about the back hair.
And don't worry, kids; Mommy won't EVER frown at you again...the Botox makes it impossible. (email@example.com)
And to maintain that beauty, mommy always goes to her GM dealer once every year to have her headlamps touched up and improve her performance. (firstname.lastname@example.org) That Mr. Goodwrench, he knows how to use a tool.
Mommy needs to be prettier because she's a lame fuck. (email@example.com)
But mom, everyone tells me I look just like you. Does that mean I'm ugly too? (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yes. Yes, it does.
...and then the handsome rich doctor peeled the skin back on her boobies and slid a plastic bag filled with salt water onto each one and pulled the skin back down and sewed it so it wouldn't leave a scar... and she lived happily and bouncily ever after. (email@example.com)
One woman who might want to get a butt lift? Pam Babcock (firstname.lastname@example.org) "Babcock" is another condition they can fix.
Stop crying! Ten years is far too long to be nursing anyway. (email@example.com)
Don't let your child be frightened by your new ass. Encourage them to set their sippy cup on it if they have some doubt that it will stay there. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Leading to a very complex complex:
Dr. Salzhauer has announced his next book for young girls about body image and unconditional love, entitled "You're Deeply Flawed, But Mommy Loves You Anyway!" (email@example.com)
The Silver Shytekicker - There goes the church club audience:
It's okay, kids, Mommy was just grossing Jesus out, so we yanked her face back behind her ears. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
And our Golden Gunkchunker - After the "28 Years of Therapy" lawsuits hit 'em:
The first title: "Mommy Got Saggy After She Had You, Timmy" didn't go over too well. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)