News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 27 Jul 06)

Hosted by Bucko

Auto-Erotica
("Head"line given by cdmauger@aol.com)

LONDON, UK (Reuters) -- An amorous couple discovered that a two-seat sports car isn't the best place for a midnight tryst. At the peak of passion, the man was suddenly immobilized by a slipped disk, trapping the woman underneath him. Desperate, the woman honked the horn with her foot to attract help. To free the entangled, naked couple, firemen had to cut away the car's frame. The woman sobbed and said "How am I going to explain to my husband what happened to his car?"
(Story bodyworked by LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

Sorry for the very long interval, gang.... Cad fried her computer, as you know. She started talking to the poor thing, and well....and well, somehow *I* managed to update most of my contests...hmmmmm...

No friggin' way! This has got to be made up. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

This is not an entry but an FYI: http://www.snopes.com/love/betrayal/stuckcouple.asp (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

OK, gang.... Bucko's been hornswoggled.... I admit it. Normally, I cross-check several media sources via Google to make sure a story is really out there. Well, this one had a surge in popularity all at once. However, it is, as we call it in the business, "BULLSHIT!" Mea culpa. From now on, I'll run all the stories past lugan. ;) I'm too damn lazy to check the hoax sites, and she's a sweetheart!

And this is why I drive a truck...always have a bed. (jaberwock@yahooy.com)

Honey... Bitch, you don't have to tell me, I am a guest of the Chief on this fire venture for my paper! (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Firemen... heheh... wonder if they used the old "Now me and my partner are gonna have to cover you in Vaseline, Miss... by hand, of course. It's a safety thing." (rochford@netaus.net.au) Them Aussies are smooth operators!

They're called bucket seats with a "B"..not an "F". (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

She was going to try to drive the car, but she kept grabbing the wrong stick when reaching for the stick shift. (tpanner@hotmail.com) The car limped along, too.

I think it's always best to start out using his name, "Charles Philip Arthur George..." (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

They had to cut away the car's frame to free the injured man. It took another hour to free the woman from the stick shift. (tpanner@hotmail.com) She wouldn't let go. That thing geared her up for the best orgasm she'd ever had!

That's the way the old Mercedes "Back" Benz.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The question is, was it a Mini Cooper or a Grand Prix? (cdmauger@aol.com) That's an awfully personal question. YOU call & ask him.

I smell another "OnStar" commercial! (stan@squidworks.com)

Tell him the dog did it. (timamod@aol.com) Unfortunately, SHE was the dog.

OK, OK, that was utterly uncalled for.... that's why I said it!

And the stick shift was found to be up the man's butt....After the husband found out. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Who the hell went in there LOOKING for it?

She needs to mumble something about "carpal", but omit the "tunnel syndrome" part. (tphyll@aol.com)

Nothing will break your concentration during sex like a fat, sweaty man with a bad back on top of you, eh, girls? (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) Are you speaking from personal experience, marlon?

MAN, I'm in a mood.... BWA HA HA!

"How am I going to explain what happened to his car? Then again, I managed to convince him that 'dormant genes' were the reason our children look Black, Hispanic, and Asian. How hard could it be?" (tpanner@hotmail.com)

And now.... the "Seriously, I'm Going to Have to Kill You!" Sextion:

Just tell him a Saab story! (maxcel200@aol.com)

Just tell hubby it was an accident because it didn't come into overdrive. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) Do you mean the car, or her?

Newspaper headline: Wife Monkeys Around -- Fire Department Has To Pry Mate From Car. (tphyll@aol.com)

How typical of a woman! He's stiff, he's right where she wants him, and now she's upset about it. (topsquark@yahoo.com)

Actually, this is a set-up scene from Tarantino's latest flick. Later, the husband brutally murders both of them with a hacksaw while dancing to a random 70s pop song. (mikepena@verizon.net) That's AWFUL! The 70s pop song part. However, I will still have to kill you for bringing it up.

If the sports car was Italian, someone is going to sleep with the fishes. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

They had to use "The Jaws of Wife" to get'em free (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Which ticked the man off, because HE didn't "get any" from her jaws....

She appeared on the new TV show, "British Idol." Her talent: using her foot to play the English horn. (tphyll@aol.com)

In response to the woman's tearful plea for an explanation to her husband, a local priest comforted the woman, dried her tears, and advised, "the truth is the clearest path to God, sister. You must always start with the truth." Two days later, the woman was found cut into small pieces and stuffed into an abandoned refrigerator. (I'm sorry! I'm terribly, terribly, sorry!) (tpanner@hotmail.com) Well.... she DID get to go and meet Him in person.

After being extricated, but still in the position described, she slipped his disk back into second, revved the engine, and took off for the hills of Dover screaming "I'm Lady Godiva!!! (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

That is so easy. Just tell him that the mechanic said the donagle joint wasn't properly greased which caused the symptatic clarendroom assembly to come apart. He'll only be able to nod knowingly. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Look, just because your wife fell for that....

When he was finally detached from the woman and the car's frame, Bill Clinton later explained from his hospital bed, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman..." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The hell with the car, was she any good? (bjjtoff@adelphia.net) Nope. And the car was similarly bad: all the tires were balled.... flat.... loose clutch.... no headlights....

Well, hon', you've heard of the old "banana in the tailpipe" trick? Well, it was kinda like that. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Start with... "Hey hun, guess what me and your car have in common.... We're both f@#$%!" (j_perreaux@hotmail.com; MissusMikeyD@aol.com)

See girls? A little road head and they wouldn't be in this position. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) From personal experience (I swear!), I can tell everyone: doing that is a BAD idea. "Sex-ty Going Sixty" can get you off AND killed.

The Peevedbody Award Double-Down – She's loose AND tight at the same time:

This woman has quite a history. Apparently she and her various partners have been cut out of a London cab, a double-decker bus, a subway car, a large fireplace in Buckingham Palace, a section of the Eiffel Tower, the girders underneath the Golden Gate Bridge, a barbed wire fence on the Texas/Mexico border, and the little windmill building on the 8th hole of Sparky's Miniature Golf Course in East St. Louis, Illinois. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

"How am I going to explain to my husband what happened to his car? I've already ruined the pool table, the refrigerator, his trombone collection, the kid's tree house, the vegetable garden, the east wing of the local public library...Oh man! He gonna kill me." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize – Actually, it happened at the station before the rescue:

The fireman quickly shot back "How am I going to explain to my boss that our saw is broken, because a bra got caught in the motor?" (scice@aol.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - Done deal, there was an automatic transmission!:

Luckily, with the bruising and marks caused by the cupholder, console and shifter, one could make the case that she was involved in an "accident", but she won't know for sure until after her next period. (j_perreaux@hotmail.com)