News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 28 Mar 06)

Hosted by Bucko

I Dumped the Load and the Load I Won
(Headline foisted by AuntShecky711@aol.com)

LODI, CA (Lodi News-Sentinel) -- When a city dump truck backed into Curtis Gokey's car, he sued the city for damages. Only thing is, he was the one driving the truck. That minor detail didn't stop Gokey, a Lodi city employee, from filing a $3,600 claim, even after admitting the crash was his fault. His wife, Rhonda, also filed a claim for $4,800, citing damage to HER "private property".
(Scooped up by grandepiano1@hotmail.com)

Lord, stuck in Lodi, again.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; tygrhat40@yahoo.com, and a slew of others I couldn't give Creedence to)

And the Workers Comp claim for whiplash is $400,000....didn't think of that one did you, dumbass? That's why you drive the dump truck... (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

Yet another government plot to distract us from Iraq. (strontium901@juno.com) Stupid? Yes. But, compared to the mess in Iraq, this is the work of Charles MENSAn.

As I am and old and wise lawyer, I will take the case if I can stop laughing my head off every time I think about it. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Gokey refused comment, referring questions to his lawyer, himself. Oddly, his lawyer was unavailable for comment. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

Unable to walk for two weeks, Rhonda reasoned: "Well, he purchased the vibrator at the City Hall gift shop." (maxcel200@aol.com) This toyed with the story a little TOO much, but screw it.

Too bad the idiot driver wasn't trashed on the job. They'd be sure to win it then. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

The court ruled against Gokey when he sued himself for harassment for filing a suit against himself. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

And finally, a restraint order was issued on Mr. Gokey to refrain from approaching with 500 yards of himself. (deweywins@yahoo.com) Which he entirely failed to do:

Later, after playing with HIS "private property", he had himself arrested for rape. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com) I'd say "What a jerk, off with him!" but it would be too cheap and easy.

Gokey's next scheme is to steal an F-18 Hornet from the local Air Force base, bomb his house, collect the insurance money and sue the United States Air Force for 100 million dollars for damages and pain and suffering. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

When he realised that he could only claim $3,600, he burst into song....."Help me Rhonda, Help, Help me Rhonda...." (sheafitz1@netscape.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com & other Fleming throwers)

HER "private property"? Was she straddling the shifter when it happened? (jaberwock@yahooy.com) Yes. Then she got an "automatic transmission" right to her- AAAAGH! (THUD!) (Who the hell let the Couth Police in here?!)

After losing this case, Gokey remained unfazed. He proceeded to beat the crap out of himself, then sued the city of Lodi because he was assaulted by a city employee. (cdmauger@aol.com)

After the case was thrown out, Gokey confronted himself outside the courthouse and accused himself of being an idiot driver, and proceeded to beat his own ass. His wife claimed her husband's attack was justified. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)

It was only a coincidence that the truck's load was a bunch of horseshit. (strontium901@juno.com)

Getting his balls fractured does not come under the "HER PRIVATE PROPERTY CLAIM!" (NITRAMXXX@aol.com) Overruled, Counselor! The Police report shows that she had them "in her possession" at the time, resulting in all her toenails being torn off.

The Gokeys' 12-year old daughter, Suzie, is also suing, and plans to show up in court with her Barbie in a neck brace. (edsigler@hotmail.com)

The Peevedbody Award - Turns out his middle name is "Kennedy":

Curtis to Wife: "Hi, Hon! I'm from the government and I'm here to help us!" (rod.renner@juno.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize - Ouch! The "Final Foreplay":

On the bright side, if this works, McDonald's employees might start throwing coffee on their own and spouse's crotches in hopes of filing similar lawsuits. Now that's comedy! (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - Despite it being a "trash compacted car":

In court, the judge actually ordered Gokey to pay the city $2000, as it was deemed the additional garbage actually added to the value of his Yugo. (maxcel200@aol.com)