News That's Unfair & Off-Balance
(updated 29 Apr 08)
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Her Heinie Takes the Throne
(Headline plunged in by GerriHan65@aol.com)
WICHITA, KANSAS (APP) 35-year-old Pam Babcock had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, & sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat. Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared her skin had grown around the seat in the 2 years she was apparently there. Boyfriend Kory McFarren said "I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it."
(Story flushed in by email@example.com)
Local media agonized over the decision to air the story, debating the value of taste and dignity versus a quick ratings boost. (firstname.lastname@example.org) We don't know anyone cheesy enough to do THAT, do we?
She was later sent to rehabilitation centers to overcome the succeeding trauma. One doctor reports, however, that "Try as we might, her life seems to have gone completely down the toilet." (email@example.com)
The big question is, how the hell did it get stuck around her neck? (firstname.lastname@example.org) Blowing donuts for two years, I think, would be a record if it weren't for Lindsay Lohan's bulimia.
McFarren also admitted that finances have been tight, and it was the only ring he could afford to give her. (email@example.com)
That's the best argument I ever heard for using an ass gasket. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Even *I* can put my face on faster than that. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
Whipple claimed as stressful as the past year has been for them, it was worse for plumbers called in to repair the toilet wax ring. (firstname.lastname@example.org) They couldn't "shut off the flow", and well....
When they managed to pry her off the seat, her face flushed. (email@example.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com) And then promptly backed up & overflowed.
Anyone thinking they know what Pam endured doesn't know squat. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
UPDATE: McFarren is now in prison and will appear in a reality show, which is a spin off of "Caged Women". The new show will be titled "Canned Men". (email@example.com) As in, his "can" is gonna be awfully sore.
Poor Pam...chose two years of confinement in loo of freedom. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Pam won the slam-dump championship two years running! (email@example.com)
You get used to it?? Used to what? Getting stuck on some Godforsaken commode or just being too damn lazy to get some help? (firstname.lastname@example.org) The Bush administration has a lot of people distracted.
The boyfriend was later arrested for torturing Pam by playing the National Anthem on his "piccolo". (email@example.com) That just sounds dirty. Good work!
She might have grown around the toilet, but between the two of them, he's still the bigger ass. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
With a possible world's record sittin' on the can, Pam needs to change her last name to ball-cock. (email@example.com)
Also found in the bathroom was thirty empty boxes of double-cheese pizzas. So WHY was she really there? (firstname.lastname@example.org) Perhaps:
No shit? (email@example.com) There HAD to have been. Nobody's THAT constipated.
What if Pam & Kory decided to get married within those two years--the wedding photos alone would be a hoot. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Look at all the money she saved by missing shoe sales! (email@example.com) Hey, there's always a laptop.
The actual 911 call stated: "Mr. Whipple, please go squeeze Mc Farren." (Electronicwaffle@yahoo.com)
McFarren later dumped her when he found out she was just having an affair with the Ty-D-Bowl Man. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Face it, he had better "access".
I can understand why the boyfriend never got help for her...after all, for two years, he was refused "head". (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Their love life has been reduced to talking dirty about the ballcock. (email@example.com)
She later said that she didn't like his bathroom at first, but after awhile, it sort of grew on her (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
McFarren also admitted to denying help to his mother stuck to the washing machine and father stuck to the table saw. (AndyD5_2000@hotmail.com) Look on the bright side: Men love interesting positions.
It's like having your very own model of "The Thinker". (firstname.lastname@example.org)
In an update to that story, Pam Babcock was taken to hospital where they pried the seat off of her body by subjecting her to watch re-runs of "Mr. Bean" and "I Love Lucy" until she declared the letters "LMAO". (email@example.com)
Ummm.... If her ass grew around the seat, can we assume that "things" were being left... Unwiped? (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com) Yep, day bidet bidet, it got worse.
It's hard to tell who was the bigger ass in this story....Oh, well, as they say, it takes one to know one. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Neighbors knew about her being stuck to the toilet seat but they didn't want to pry. (email@example.com)
if he'd had any brains, he'd have convinced her that the bed was the best place to hide. :) (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
Face it - you, like me, have entire phone books full of people you'd like to inflict this problem on. (firstname.lastname@example.org) And the phone books could be useful in the process, too.
Sounds like most of my dates. She leaves for the bathroom and I never see her again. (email@example.com)
Who could blame her? Every other room had a family of raccoons living in the closet. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
If this were a Tom Waits song, the lyric would read "gets lost of ass and a toilet seat." (GerriHan65@aol.com) I'm fairly certain you meant "lots of ass", but your way is funnier.
Co-Honorable Brass Balzacs:
A person with a two year seat in the house full of crap? Hmmm...sounds like my congressman! (email@example.com)
You could look at it this way, he was pretty faithful to his girlfriend...in two years, he only made one booty call (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Though we swore never to mention "blumpkin" again:
It's amazing that Kory was able to go that long without any sex (either that or it was among the nastiest sex I've ever heard of). (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Silver Shytekicker - No wonder the plumbing was so fucked up:
Boyfriend Kory McFarren later added that he would have gotten help for Pam sooner, but his penis had been stuck up the bathtub faucet so long it had swollen in place. (email@example.com)
And our Golden Gunkchunker - Sounds like they both have "control" obsessions:
Sheriff Whipple was later quoted as saying,"It was an unusual case in that we normally get reports of husbands with the skin of their hands having grown around the TV remote". (firstname.lastname@example.org)