News That's Unfair & Off-Balance
(updated 2 Jun 07)
Hosted by Bucko
Battle of the Banned
(Aided by GerriHan65@aol.com's headline)
HOUSTON, DELAWARE (News-Journal) -- Barney Vincelette (who lives in a house shaped like a flying saucer), feuded with his neighbors for years over their ear-splitting rock music. In retaliation, he recorded a super-annoying "composition" of his own called "Sonata for Calliope of Truck Horns About to Be Transcribed for Locomotive Horns Opus No. 1". A judge ruled that allowing the neighbors' Bon Jovi & not Vincelette's "sonata" amounted to selective law enforcement.
(Story amped up by firstname.lastname@example.org)
Let me get this straight....there is a guy named Barney, Vincelette and he lives in a flying saucer-shaped house and that is NOT the strange part of the story?! (email@example.com) I do me best.
Maybe they played the rock music because they were tired of him sneaking in & giving them anal probes. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
Oh, dammit, I thought it said "truck whores," and I got all excited. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)
The same producer who lined up N*sync and the Backstreet Boys is currently camped outside Mr. Vincellete's house, hoping to get him to sign a contract. (firstname.lastname@example.org) At least his taste has improved.
N*Sync....Backstreet Boys.... here's a guy who knows a LOT about anal probes. Yeah, I said it!
Said one neighbor: "Well, his sonata is better than half the contestants in the first round of American Idol". (email@example.com)
Of course, Vincelette's composition's name was based of Bon Jovi's "Sonata for the Jean-Wearers Who Are Actually Still Listening to 80's Music." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
If he REALLY wanted to punish them, all he had to do was use country music. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) Slim Whitman kills Martians, if you recall.
Well, nobody ever mistook Barney's work for a frank sonata! (email@example.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)
I need this judge. I've always felt allowing men to go topless and not women was also selective enforcement (firstname.lastname@example.org)
80s hair band or deafness... 80s hair band or deafness... I'll take deaf. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)
The "You Could Be Totally F**ked WORSE" Section:
However, the judge threw the book at a third neighbor who was caught blasting Bread's unplugged rendition of "Smoke on the Water." (GrandPoobah651@comcast.net)
The neighbor is lucky! What if Vincelette were a Michael Bolton fan? (email@example.com) AAAAAAGH!
Makes me think that Barney the purple dinosaur isn't so obnoxious after all. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Barney soon went insane after the trial when the neighbors started blasting him with the best of Lawrence Welk. (email@example.com) That's a contradiction in terms.
Let me hear truck horns then a locomotive running over Bon Jovi, and I will buy a million copies myself. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Was the loud rock music interfering with his communications with Mars? (GerriHan65@aol.com)
A Vincelette is a small Vince. ;) (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) How do you know? Have you dated him?
Idiot. It should be Sonata for OFF-KEY Truck Horns. Nothing makes me madder than a Peterbilt out of tune. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) But we just found out that his peter is NOT "built".
He lives in a flying saucer and hasn't figured out how to use the laser sight to cremate his neighbors. What a piker!!! (GerriHan65@aol.com)
Law enforcement officials were called in after Vincelette's neighbor retaliated by having Sanjaya stand at the edge of the property line and sing at the top of his lungs. (email@example.com) As a result, both Vincelette & the Jovi gang mercifully euthanized each other.
One positive note, men who live in the neighborhood should never need Viagra...this could keep them up all night (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Simply not his forte, but G, he's clef-fer:
The tone of this story left me flat. There could be a sharp turn for the verse. I've heard better pitches in twelve bars. It just goes way beyond the measure. To refrain from talking to these neighbours is the key. By the way, did I mention I'm a musician? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Silver Shytekicker - Another Mickey Mouse waste of time:
Vincelette's understudy was also dragged into court but not tried, as his music was only that of the Saucerer's Apprentice! (email@example.com)
And our Golden Gunkchunker - It's not the size of your "instrument", it's how you use it:
His neighbors eventually had the last laugh, when they performed a rousing rendition of "Concerto for Baseball Bat and Lead Pipe Quintet in B-Flat." (firstname.lastname@example.org)