News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 2 Oct 06)

Hosted by Bucko

I'm Shovin' It!
(Headline from where the sun don't shine by Airfarcewon@aol.com)

LONDON UK (NPR) -- McDonald's has finally yielded to years of protests by animal lovers, & redesigned its notorious "killer" McFlurry ice-cream cup. Its top opening was just large enough for an innocent hedgehog's head to squeeze in. But, their sweet-teeth led them into a lethal trap: they couldn't pull back out again. Huge numbers died of starvation. Henceforth, the lid opening will be made too small for the critters' heads.
(Story fast-fed by murdoctor@aol.com)

**Yo, you guys! Congratulations on a truly outstanding collection of entries!!**

Of course, you realize the McBottom line, here...This additional McExpense will just be passed on to us McCustomers (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Hey! Cup size does matter! (maxcel200@aol.com) Ladies: he's all yours.

Would you like flies with that? (jaberwock@yahooy.com)

Had it ever occurred to those dipshit Brits to put the cups in the trash cans? (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)

Smart merchandising..no way were they going to make the container larger. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Yeah, the Trojan people came to the same conclusion.

You don't know Hedgehogs- they come with various IQs. Mine Hedgehog is one of the bright ones. He has a squirrel put it's tail in the cup, and they both enjoy a feast. And they bring a cup for me. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Bush advisors have now been considering applying this remedy by enlarging his sphincter. (murdoctor@aol.com)

In the meantime, a million hedgehogs band together and hold a protest by parading down Main Street, all wobbling down the street together backwards. (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Unfortunately for the hedgehogs, McDonald's has no head waiters. (maxcel200@aol.com) Listen, if Mickey D's had "head" waiters, it'd be a hell of a lot more popular. That's why Burger King developed the "Whopper".

Stupid hedgehogs...isn't that called "Survival of the fittest"? I can see it now, one hedgehog looks to the other and says "Betcha caint stick yourn head innair!" Which would be followed by, "Bertha I kin!...Oh SCHEELITE! Mu He'd stuck!" (jaberwock@yahooy.com)

When asked to comment, "Sonic" sluffed it off by suggesting a burn-out manoeuvre that would both free his brethren from the cup and get them home in 1/100th the time it originally took. (j_perreaux@hotmail.com)

Hey, I once got my head caught in a McFlurry cup, and after I pulled it out I became the first person in McDonald's history to leave a tip! (maxcel200@aol.com) "Bris"kly refreshing, wasn't it? But, sorry, you've just been called out on that:

Most men complain about something similar, but it's just wishful thinking. (wedrixe@netscape.net)

McDonald's will now offer them in "kill your neighbor's damned yappy dog" and "finally get rid of your kid's annoying gerbil" sized tops instead. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) NOW you're talking! But I was told you'd already put the gerbil "in its place".

Though the "innocent" hedgehogs suffered their unfortunate fate,however, in a McFlurry of trading activity, the "guilty" ones short-sold their McDonald's stock and put the profits in a "hedge" fund, those hogs! (AuntShecky711@aol.com; ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)

So, those greedy little hedgehogs will just go back to lapping up the anti-freeze in the parking lots like they used to. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)

In related news, scientists have discovered an effective way of smarting up the hedgehog. The studies conclude that if McDonald's continues to use the same size cup where the hedgehog gets its head stuck into it and dies, the really stupid hedgehogs will die and open a world of highly super-smart hedgehogs, perhaps even able to rule the world someday! (davidgotribe@aol.com) I'm all for it. They couldn't possibly do a worse job than the pricks we have now.

McDonald's hasn't yet yielded to years of parent protests, whose front doors' openings weren't large enough for their McDonald's-eating fat kids to enter through. Many of them could never get back into the house, causing many deaths from exposure and such. (Eleman8859@aol.com; tpanner@hotmail.com)

Actually, this was just a ploy for McDonald's to catch enough hedgehogs to introduce their new McMammalia Sandwich. (maxcel200@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com & LOTS of other consp-Iron Chefs)

The Sonic restaurant down the street denied that it was deliberately setting hedgehogs loose in the McDonald's dumpster, stating "Don't they normally go for chili, anyway?" (YukiMerricoon@aol.com) Funny you should ask:

In a related story, Corning Ware was forced to recall their series of 8-gallon chili pots for the same reason, vis-a-vis Rosie O'Donnell. (cdmauger@aol.com)

That's just great. Now I am going to have to switch my snack to hedgehog-on-a-stick. (mashallaha@aol.com) Yeah, but at least you know you're getting a FRESH one; it's still wiggling.

Maybe with this hedgehog thing behind them, the protesters will have time to schedule a dental appointment. (shep@compascable.net)

Well, it's about time. We all know how important it is to secure the hedgehog demographic. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) Just another one of the bogus excuses used in Florida after the 2000 election cluster-fu--- uh, debacle.

Activists say that this creates another problem, as male hedgehogs are known for dipping their testicles into sweet things in an effort to entice the females to mate....McDonald's will be applying a label stating "This product may contain nuts" to the new design. (colie7922@aol.com)

Too small for hedgehogs, but still the right size for ROACHES! (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) That's what the CLIPS are for, Smedley! Do not waste!

The remaining treats in stock will be sold as discount "McFurrys." Oh, shut up, you knew that was coming. (tainsam@aol.com; maxcel200@aol.com)

Do you think they could whip up a cup that would do the same thing to Bush, Cheney & Rumsfeld? Damn, those would have to be huge. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) The answer is:

In a related story, McDonald's, with its newly modified, smaller McFlurry ice-cream cup, has won a contract with the armed forces to control the rodent population on all military bases. (tpanner@hotmail.com; mashallaha@aol.com) Start with those three dirty rats over there. Yeah, I know.... they look like weasels, too.... and smell like-- OK, OK, I'll stop.

Not the first time something British has died because it shoved its head up a hole it didn't need to be in...... (Aholhol@aol.com)

Ah, McDonald's...always taking on more than its fair share in the never-ending battle to decrease the surplus human and animal population. (tpanner@hotmail.com) You little Dickens, you!

A clear case of one bunch of pricks looking after the interests of another. (rochford@netaus.net.au)

The board approved this redesign, which just edged out the suggestion to begin adding hedgehog food to the McFlurry mix. (stan@squidworks.com) They've been diving into the mix vats for years! Or did you think those brown chunks are REALLY from Oreos?

Here in the States, the McFlurry cups tend to kill Chihuahuas and Pomeranians. The long desired uproar has yet to materialize. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

"Huge numbers" of hedgehogs? Hedgehogs? In London? (all descendents of Spiny Norman, I suppose) (mimsydivine@earthlink.net; ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com) FINALLY! After about 300 entries, SOMEONE mentions Spiny Norman! You are as a sister to me!

Can you send me one of those cups? This low-carb diet is doing nothing for my thighs. (wedrixe@netscape.net)

George Bush claimed it was one of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, cleverly hidden in another country and shrunk down. The original openings were "infidel" sized. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

They have to shrink the spoons to fit, and now their spoons can be used as cocaine spoons...great! (Cantw82paint@gmail.com) This from someone who still has two crates of their old coffee stirrers, which were perfect for snorting cocaine. Uh, so I've heard.

So, a deadly immune system virus, that was kept in check by the killer McFlurry cup, is now free to mutate and spread from hedgehogs to humans. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The Peevedbody Award – "Holmes, you found the crack in the case!" "It was alimentary, my dear Watson.":

Ironically, "Killer" McFlurry was my professional porn-actor name. *goes back to taking care of his dead cow collection in the basement* (leissuit@msn.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize – I'd expect to have found this down at Duncan Donuts:

Downplaying the whole matter at first, McDonald's referred to it as the MacBeth cup: full of sound and McFurry, signifying nothing. (maxcel200@aol.com)

DIMSDALE!!

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - Hedgehogs hate BJs! (BEN & JERRY'S! Perverts!):

McFlurries? I thought they'd prefer Hedgehaggen-Dazs. (cdmauger@aol.com)