News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 30 Jun 07)

Hosted by Bucko

Up, Up, and Oy, Vey!
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NEW YORK, NEW YORK (Evening Standard) -- Christopher Woods, 29, is suing the Novartis pharmaceutical company after its "Boost Plus" health drink allegedly provoked a nasty case of severe priapism (an erection that will not subside). The unscheduled "enhancement" was so bad, Woods needed two surgeries to provide relief. Despite the legal problems, Novartis stock went up.
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Let me get this straight- he could go on for hours instead of minutes, and no woman wanted to talk him out of the surgery?? (

At 91, I can dream, can't I? Please send Boost Plus, Pronto!!! ( Come on, everyone be a sport and "raise" the money.

There were more elderly men clamoring for the health drink then you could "shake a stick at". (

One retirement home senior drank this brew, erected so fast it threw his walker over his shoulder. (

Actually there were no operations. Woods was simply shown pictures of Nimoy's nudes. (; That sure just did it for me.... dammit, do you know how hard it was to CATCH priapism?

Lawyers say this could be a hard case to win, but believe they're up to it. (

See Dick. See Dick grow. See Jane. Hear Jane scream. RUN, JANE, RUN! (

How will they make it stand up in court? (; Lawyers will trade shots of Boost Plus until one of them makes a motion to the judge.

For a while Woods had the unique ability of being able to flush the toilet without using his hands! (

After the second surgery, the plaintiff applied to change her name to Christina Woods. (

Seldom has a side effect been the focus of an ad campaign. (

Woods got the cheapest operation possible...he had it done on a Wednesday afternoon leaning against a golf cart. ( "Hand me my number two wood...."

At least it cured his tossing and turning all night. (;

His wife is suing the doctors who performed the surgery to repair the priapism. (;

He decided to sue when he found out that cockfighting is illegal. ( That does explain the rash of knocked-up chickens, though....

It was later determined, that the stock increase was due to a ten truckload sale to one Mrs. Christopher Woods. (

The operation was a half-cocked idea... so two were necessary. (

How much wood would Woods chuck, chuck; if Woods wood could chuck wood? (

Novartis has subsequently changed "Boost Plus'" slogan to: "heh heh...boioioioing!" Beavis and Butthead were also hired as spokepersons. ( There ya go, Cad.

Novartis President remarks,"You bet our Stock went up, and our new slogan: Stocks Follow the Cocks!" (

Others have, at the same time, sued Novartis, so if Chris was to collect he'd have to beat some stiff competition. (

Two surgeries??? One hand coulda done the job! ( Where's a GI Joe with kung fu grip when you need one?

Actually, the second surgery was for relief from a particularly impressionable nursing student who attended the first surgery. (;

Medical personnel later emphatically denied rumors that they had played 'ring toss' during Woods' surgery prep. (

Perhaps the root cause of his problems is that he looked at Nimoy's book. Mmmmmm....big chicks. ( "University resident seeks BBW...."

Woods case went to trial, but after a painful three weeks in court it ended in a hung jury! (

Fed some of this to my mother-in-law. She hasn't stopped humping the dog's leg since. (

In related news, Christopher Woods was nominated for Best New Actor for 2007 by AVN for his work in the film "Love Hurts." Christopher Woods is known on set by his stage name which is simply "Woody." ( You know, my father's nickname was Woody. I'm one of six children. COINCIDENCE??

I've never heard of a guy complaining that he couldn't get it DOWN. (

The sad thing is that the subject's birth name was Christine. Due to the effects of the drink, the subject was forced to legally change names. This is some powerful sh*t. (

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - A cut-down that really hurts where it hurts:

Three severe inches is still three inches, pal. (

The Silver Shytekicker - Truth in advertising, what a neat new idea:

Novartis issued a press release stating they would immediately change the name of the product from "Boost Plus" to "Cock-a-Cola" (

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Now, THAT'S the kind of picker-upper drink I want:

Novartis will now be advertising the health drink with a new slogan: "Red Bull may give you wings, but Boost Plus gives you SCHWINGS!" (