News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 31 Aug 07)

Hosted by Bucko

Arach-tile Dysfunction
(Headline fangs to GerriHan65@aol.com)

Temuco, Chile (MSN-NBC-M-O-U-S-E) -- Scientists have discovered a potential aphrodisiac/contraceptive in the venom of Chile’s black widow spider. The bite is fatal to most, but can also cause painful & involuntary erections in men lasting days, & involve spontaneous orgasms. The venom seems much more powerful than Viagra; however, the contraceptive effect lasts only 20 minutes.

I would like to try a widow bit of that. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

Powerful and days-long involuntary erections and spontaneous orgasms, but it may be fatal? What's the down side to this? (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com; GerriHan65@aol.com) "May" is on the calendar and it's coming sooner or later, Smedley!

Little Miss Muffet Sat on her tuffet, Contemplating some "Sin-Its." Along came a spider And sat down beside her, And said, "Let's get it on Babe, we only got twenty minutes!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

It will be advertised as "The Quicker Pecker Upper." (tphyll@aol.com)

Funny, they didn't mention this in all those bride magazines I read... (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Newlyweds don't need the help.

The discovery was made while scientists were surfing the black widow spider's web. (tphyll@aol.com; rsherman@netplexgroup.com, other buggers)

The scientists further explained that the venom gave men the erections and orgasms, but it only gave women headaches. (rod.renner@juno.com; tpanner@hotmail.com)

Most people like Chile with a little bite to it. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Is it for gay men? The report says "painful & involuntary erections IN men.." (tphyll@aol.com) I dunno.... you do have to get "bitten" by a woman first.

I wouldn't worry too much about that 20 minute contraceptive thing, because you'll probably be dead in 10 minutes because YOU JUST GOT BIT IN THE PEENER BY A CHILEAN BLACK WIDOW SPIDER!!! (rsherman@netplexgroup.com; JDCOOPS3@aol.com, other dill pickles)

This is great news... if I'm ever wandering around the Chilean countryside. I just hope I remembered to bring Pamela Anderson And Jessica Simpson. Just my luck it would be Phyllis Diller. (mulepiper@yahoo.com)

Under no circumstances do the words "spider," and "my dick," belong in the same sentence. (Truckerex@insightbb.com) What if it's followed by "Cheney"?

I guess being an Entomologist isn't so dorky now, is it? (saxonraerae7@aol.com)

Scientists explained that it works as an aphrodisiac for the first 20 minutes. After that, when you are dead, it has the contraceptive effect in that you can't get anyone pregnant. (skibip@aol.com; ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

And in and out and in and out and four more, three more, two more....Now that's what I call a 20 minute workout! (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Feel the burn! Of your arteries exploding.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider climbed down my little sprout. He bit me on the shaft, and I let a cry right out. But my member grew and grew, until it could grow no more. And it stayed like that for days, now I am a man whore. (lhill@bryant.edu)

The trick is knowing WHICH 20 minutes. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

What good is a stiff with a stiffy? (lsamarri@aol.com) Son of a.... we DO have one player who's not a necrophiliac!

Hey, I know somebody who "did it" with a black widow. They were both perfectly safe. When her husband died, she knew he could never kill them....Oh, it's a spider. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

Only twenty minutes, you say? That's longer than the average male lasts anyway, plus he croaks afterwards. It could be the human female's way of being like a praying mantis without the prospect of eating your lover. (GerriHan65@aol.com) Unless it's the male's birthday. Then you have to.

Sales of the spiders to married men have been banned; apparently, a lot of men figured the bite was two points for, zero points against. (scalpel@aol.com; GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Are ANY erections voluntary? (sheafitz1@netscape.com; tpanner@hotmail.com) I "volunteer" mine all the time. I also get slapped a lot.

Sounds like the same effect Playboy had on me in my adolescence. (guitartexn@aol.com)

Spontaneous orgasms... It's like getting a birthday present EVERY DAY! (ThePaF@Gmail.com)

Painful erection? OK. Which one of you sadistic bitches put some of that stuff in my drink? (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) Well, you ASKED for a quick "prick me up"....

Bend over quick babe. I only have 20 minutes for: (a) lunch (b) contraceptive (c) to live. (mashallaha@aol.com; stan@squidworks.com)

Now, there's an idea with legs. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Scientists would be much better off figuring out any possible way to stuff even more vitamins into a Pop-Tart. (tpanner@hotmail.com) Let's talk about your priorities....

I took it, it lasted 20 minutes I forgot what to do with it. Damn aging!!! (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - "Californication" gone South:

"Red Hot Chile Peckers" ...hmmm, sounds like a '90's band. (gerg17@comcast.net)

The Silver Shytekicker - Try eating her before she eats you:

Everyone knows Tenuco black widow spiders are famous for their brand of Chile con carnage. (maxcel200@aol.com)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - I don't know Howitt could have happened:

"Cum into my parlor," said the spider to your fly. (GerriHan65@aol.com)