News That's Unfair & Off-Balance
(updated 3 Dec 07)
Hosted by Bucko
(Headline by firstname.lastname@example.org)
DES MOINES, IOWA (Des Moines Register) -- Patrick Hamman, 22, of Des Moines, was arrested on a charge of domestic assault after he threw a bag of Cheetos at his father, Michael Hamman, hitting him in the face. The bag hit his father's glasses, causing a cut to the bridge of his nose. Patrick, who lives with his father, admitted that he was on methamphetamine at the time.
(Cheet-sheeted in by CaptCrazee@gmail.com)
The "Bash the Judge" Kickoff:
Bucko took so long to update this contest that next week the case goes to trial, and can be seen in its entirety on Court TV. (email@example.com)
In the time it has taken to update this contest, Patrick Hamman has completed a twelve-step drug rehabilitation program, reconciled with his father, and raised enough money to send ten tons of Cheetos to starving children in Africa. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The father admitted his delayed reaction of doing nothing was modeled after a contest judge at HMO. (email@example.com)
Hey, guys, I was sick.... I have a note from yo mama- wait, MY mama.
Do you realize how low the crime rate in Des Moines must be if the cops respond to this incident? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Come on, it's Iowa, what else is there to do besides get high, throw Cheetos at your dad, and watch dead men playing baseball in the middle of a corn field. (Thank you to everyone who got that last reference). (MindgameFiziks@hotmail.com) Well, MY first choice would be sex. Rhode Islanders are crazy that way.
Yep, those Iowans won't stand for anyone disprespecting a bag of Cheetos, will they? (email@example.com)
I'd be pissed, too, if my dad was blocking the porn flick I was watching while I was naked eating Cheetos. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
This injury paled in comparison to the damage the Fritos did to his groin. (email@example.com)
Finally, an explanation of Cheetos I can understand - Meth. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yeth, they thure are methy.
Well, I guess it's better than a Mac Attack! (email@example.com)
A bag of chips off the old block. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
When the police arrived, the first thing they said to the perpetrator was, "Alright, now just snack off!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com) However, due to a curious malady, Patrick heard all "sn"s as "j"s, and well.... it wasn't pretty.
The police looked into concealment charges as the assailant licked the evidence off his fingers. (email@example.com)
Just shows there must have been a meth kid to his madness. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The father probably would have had no injuries, but Cheetos contains sharp cheese. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; email@example.com) Hey! I'm nacho stepping stone!
All of the schools in the Des Moines area are now in the process of installing Cheeto detectors in all of the entrances. The estimated cost for this is $2.4 million dollars. (Ankle_Jay@comcast.net)
Patrick knew his only chance to go free was to bludgeon his father to death and have the whole matter moved to Los Angeles. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Angry as he was, Daddy managed to keep the backyard meth lab running until Patrick's release from the pokey. (email@example.com) At least, he did until:
The next day, the son's meth lab exploded, killing him, his wife and three neighbors. However, the news only reported that the father's cut on his nose was healing niciely. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Why, after doing nothing more than throwing a bag of Cheetos at someone, would you then admit to the police to being on methamphetamine? (email@example.com) Sorry.... I should have mentioned that he's a Senator.
If he'd been high on pot instead of meth, there wouldn't have been any Cheetos left to throw. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
Two days later, the Mets signed him. (firstname.lastname@example.org) They already HAVE a bunch of pitchers who throw puff-balls.
An investigation has been called to find out if a bag of Cheetos can be classified as a dangerous weapon. However, it has already been confirmed that the product can be harmful if taken internally. (email@example.com)
The younger Hamman has turned down a plea-bargain offer, preferring to let the chips fall where they may. (TvOrNotTv1@aol.com)
He should thank his lucky stars that it was just Cheetos. If it had been Doritos, he could have been blinded, and you don't want to know what would have happened with saltines. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Especially if they were smeared in foul, deadly hummus. Looks like monkey poo, tastes like monkey poo. Dammit, it IS monkey poo!
The police raised it to a misdemeanor when they found the bag open and the sell-by date had expired. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
It was later reported that the Cheetos were in a bag with a hammer. (DOrr221@comcast.net)
In response, the father landed a solid hook to the side of Patrick's head, knocking out four teeth and cracking his jaw. The father later admitted that he wasn't on anything in particular at the time, but that he was having a Cheeto flashback. (email@example.com) Sort of like an LSD flashback, but with only one color.
The charges were dropped, however, when it was discovered that Patrick's father was a pot-head and had eaten all of the evidence... (firstname.lastname@example.org)
In a statement released by cheetos.. "We are in no way responsible for this incident, as we have already advertised our product as 'Dangerously Cheesy'." (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
They are now suing Frito-Lay since their product has no warning label concerning short-range, high-speed delivery of the product. (email@example.com) Speaking of:
Later at the police station, Michael was charged with a second count when he threw a donut at the desk sargeant. The donut hit him in the hand and made him spill his coffee. (firstname.lastname@example.org) And, of course, nobody had warned him that hot coffee was hot, and HE sued Krispy Kreme and Chock Full of Nuts.
The father claimed he had no other choice but to turn his son in for a history of escalating domestic abuse. The previous week, his son brutally attacked him with a bag of jet puffed marshmallows. (email@example.com)
"Cheetos was just the beginning", said a shaken Michael Hamman. "He might have gone as far as Wheat Thins." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Which puts Michael Hamman in the Guiness Book of World's Records for "Stupidest Injury Caused By Something Weighing Less Than 8 Oz", beating out former record holder Lance Dubose whose dislocated "Nerf Basketball Wrist" held for a whopping 18 years. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) "Basketball"? Is THAT what he calls his- never mind.
He was caught orange-handed. (TvOrNotTv1@aol.com) And "basketballs" are orange. COINCIDENCE??
Of course, had his father not had a super-sensitive nose from continuous coke snorting, all of this could have been avoided. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)
Ironically, Patrick was murdered in prison by a man with a sharpened Dorito. (email@example.com)
Even Jerry Springer won't book this family. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Because Cheetos only do 1-4 unless you roll a 20:
Thank God the larger-caliber trail mix was locked up at the time. (email@example.com)
The Silver Shytekicker - The Republicans wanted tax cuts for the rich instead:
Iowa Democrats are now working on a bill that would require a background check and a three-day waiting period for anyone wishing to purchase a bag of Cheetos. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
And our Golden Gunkchunker - An entry that deli-vered & slaw-tered us:
Dad got the Hamman cheese to his nose, and it was just like a club. (email@example.com)