News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 3 Jan 09)

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John Pulls Big Boner
(Headline shot in by Airfarcewon@aol.com)

OCALA FL (Star-Banner) John Herdmann, 37, was arrested after repeatedly ramming his SUV through the front of a convenience store & stealing 2 packages of condoms, worth only $2.99 each. Hermann's mother Rose claimed "They must have put something in his drink", though she did not specify who "they" were. Police caught up to the suspect, who was hiding in the bushes. Alone. (Story wrapped over by tphyll@aol.com)

When asked by the police why he stole two packs of condoms, Herdmann said "How else can you make a rib sandwich for less than six bucks?" (maxcel200@aol.com)

"They" were trying to convince him to buy two condominiums, but her understood it to mean "a two condom minimum." (tphyll@aol.com)

Repeatedly ramming? Guess that's why he needs the condoms! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Yeah, but he's done after only a few rams.

If Dick Cheney did it, emergency heart repair would quiet the press. (seeker@vcoms.net) How come the SOB didn't have any heart attacks after he was in office, when we really could have used one?

The police were quick to apprehend and identify him - they didn't want anyone beating around the bushes. (ParisIuvsme@aol.com)

Not too unbelievable..with the high price of gas today, SUVs are only worth about $5.98 (Airfarcewon@aol.com; skibip@aol.com) Yeah, yeah, I know.... the price of gas went down since the last ancient update. Sue me, I been sick.

He only had 15 minutes left on his Viagra dose and 2 minutes left on the hooker he hired. (DOrr221@comcast.net)

Wow. He must be running for Congress and had to update the old resume. (flynnkj19@aol.com)

Talk about a hard drive... (retrometro@rogers.com)

No word if the condoms were Trojan Explorers, Expeditions, Excursions, Pathfinders or Trailblazers. (archerjoe@hotmail.com) That last kind will really give you a hot tw-- oh, I just can't.

It would appear Mr. Herdmann preferred being "safe" than sorry for ramming his vehicle into a convenience store. (WJKbase@aol.com)

Mr. Hermann would not speak to authorities during his arrest, but was identified by his Earth Dogtags. (arlenekader@aol.com)

If he's that desperate for only two boxes of condoms, and doe4sn't have enough cash, why didn't he just walk in, slip the two boxes into his coat pocket and walk out? (retrometro@rogers.com) He wasn't long on brains.... or anything else, according to the cop who frisked him.

What's the address of that convenience store? We can't get condoms that cheap around here! (Airfarcewon@aol.com; tpanner@hotmail.com) On the other hand:

$2.99? They're ten cents apiece at the dollar store. (ponytayl@cox.net) Yeah, but they're only that cheap 'coz they're used.

I've never heard of a fetish for bushes before...or have I? Yes, I have, just not that kind of bush. (retrometro@rogers.com)

Ironically, after repeated rammings, Herdmann was able to impenetrate the convenience store. Of course, the owner was not one to say "come again." (maxcel200@aol.com)

What a waste! Now, he won't even need those condoms for the kind of sex he'll have in jail. (ronxian@bak.rr.com)

OR:

He'll be getting ribbed for it in jail for it later. (ParisIuvsme@aol.com)

OR:

He'll need those condoms while he's in the slammer and some other guy there tells him to bend over. (retrometro@rogers.com)

Some people are just oo embarrassed to buy condoms in person. I understand completely. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

I wonder why he was hiding in Bush's alone? Was GW's brother involved in the act? After all, he did have two packages of condoms. (edprocoat@msn.com)

Next update in about two weeks, campers! (No, seriously) So, get those entries in! Remember, the entry boxes are fixed now.... yowza!

Maybe it was raining, and he left home without his rubbers. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

...and girls really go for guys as smart as that, too! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Two packs of condoms? You could make a helluva disguise with that. (seeker@vcoms.net)

Through his SUV, Herdmann was practising how ot have sex by constantly shifting gears in and out of the store he was in. Thankfully, with all that drive, he had his seat belt on, so one might say he was practising safe sex. (retrometro@rogers.com)

The police found Herdmann was wanted for four previous, similar crimes and there was a price on his head. (maxcel200@aol.com) WHICH head?

Am I the 1,000,000th entry to say he was driving a Hummer? (ParisIuvsme@aol.com) Oddly, the first and only. That sucks big time and is hard to swallow.

The convenience store has files a paternity suit against Herdmann's SUV. (stan@squidworks.com)

NO! You moron! I said break into a condominium! (Mashalla@aol.com)

Looks like some careless editing: They misspelled "dink." (gerg17@comcast.net)

If he needed condoms that badly, are you sure it was his SUV that he rammed through the front of the store? (Truckerex@comcast.net) Hey, Mediacrity ain't a porn film. Porn films have more class.

What "they" put into his drink was one of his mother's water pills. That's why he was in the bushes. Alone. (retrometro@rogers.com)

Are they sure his first name was John? Sounds more like the ghost of Tupac. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Interesting that he's released MORE albums since being dead.

Mr. Herdmann refused to comment. The police think he's being ultra-sensitive for some reason. (ParisIuvsme@aol.com)

He must've misunderstood when he took the dare to "knock over a convenience strore and then burn rubber outta there." He was in the bushes trying to light them, right? (kirstenlmsw@gmail.com)

What a moron; he forgot the Lotto tickets! (seeker@vcoms.net; retrometro@rogers.com)

Being in an SUV, he used $12.50 worth of gas to drive to the convenience store to steal about $6.00 worth of condoms. Go figure. (gerg17@comcast.net) He then claimed to be entitled to a bailout, saying he had the "Big Three" in his pants.

Mr. herdmann claimes that in his home state of North Carolina, it's considered bad manners NOT to ram your SUV through the front of a convenience store. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Once at the police station, Herdmann had the right to make one phone call. He called Jay Leno long distance to California and said: "Boy, do I have a story for your opening monologue!" (retrometro@rogers.com) LENO?? See, if you'd said Letterman, I might have picked this entry.

So, what was the chrage? Breaking with intent of entering. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

After the mother mentioned the drinking, Mr. Herdmann was also charged with DUI. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Worst of all, the whole thing was caught on a digital movie cam and sent to YouTube, where a bunch of morons are laughing at it even as we speak. (retrometro@rogers.com)

The Co-Bronze Bullshitzer Prizes - What, was his mother a nun?:

He may have been alone, but in Mr. Herdmann's defense, his mother, for years, had beaten into him the idea that it was possible to get a girl pregnant with a handshake. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

When police told him to "come out with his hands up", they really regretted not choosing their words more wisely. (ParisIuvsme@aol.com)

The Co-Silver Shytekickers - The cop should have been wearing a "glove":

Poor John. In his drunken stupor, he thought his hand could get pregnant. (ponytayl@cox.net)

Mr. Herdmann was discovered when one of the police officers reached in the rose bushes and got pricked. (maxcel200@aol.com)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Proving once again that size DOES matter:

Silly! You need the condoms BEFORE repeatedly ramming anything. No wonder his sorry butt was in those bushes. Besides, who likes forced entry with anything *that* big, am I right, ladies? (kirstenlmsw@gmail.com)