News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 5 Feb 08)

Hosted by Bucko

Wheely Wong
(Headline shot in by

EDMONTON, CANADA (Edmonton Sun) -- Mr. Sandy Wong, 45, was sentenced to 90 days in jail for 3 counts of indecent exposure, including masturbating with his pants down while sitting on the roof of a BMW at a local agriculture fair. According to a psychiatrist, Wong is sexually attracted to the BMW because "it's curved like a woman's body". He also has been aroused by a 1967 Camaro, a 1965 Chevy Bel Air, a 2005 MiniCooper & a 1991 Buick Century.

Nothing says "sexy" like a 1991 Buick Century. (
(Ahem) My mom drives a '91 Century....

As a young man, he was buggered by a '59 Caddy. (

I've heard of "Pimp My Ride", but that's just plain Wong. (

He brought the agricultural fair to a complete stop -- single-handed. ( In reality, it only took him two fingers, but that's his personal problem.

He's probably not the first person to see the sticker price of a BMW and have a stroke. (

When asked about the Honda Element, Mr. Wong said, "Sorry, I'm not into boys." (

Mr. Wong thinks that any parking lot is a singles bar. (

Get real. Whoever heard of a BMW at an agricultural fair? (; True. Usually the only option he'd have would be to go truck himself.

Mr. Wong's next conquest: The Frank Gehry-designed Guggenheim museum in Bilbao, Spain. (

He recoiled in terror and ran away sobbing when he saw a Fiat X19. (

Wong was busted by Dateline when he arranged an Internet date with a female mountain bike. ( Something about "training wheels", I didn't catch it.

(Instructions gone wrong) Mr. Wong - show me "shine the car": Wax on, Whacks off... (

Big Deal. I know lots of women who were aroused by the back seat of my Chevy. ( Too bad it was the seat and not you.

Wong might have something there... a '67 Camaro does have a nice little rear end on it. (

To future parents: There is a point in adolescence when the phrase "Look at the headlights on that one!" really needs to be explained. (

That's dumb, most cars come already equipped with a jack. ( Until:

They also charged him with stealing the jack off of each car. (

"Sandy Wong?" Hmmm, no joke there. ( No?:

Stroking a sandy wong? Man, that's gotta hurt. (

There were a lot of looks from other animal cars, too, such as Mustangs, Ponies, Beetles, Jaguars, Impalas, I could go on.... (;

Is that the kinky little guy I saw behind my Yugo???? ( Actually, that was Leis. More, I cannot say.

Apparently, Mr. Wong likes his cars built for comfort, not for speed. ( Funny, he goes from zero to sexty in just eight seconds.

Perhaps in this instance, BMW should stand for "Beating My Willy". (

Apparently Mr. Wong is quite content with the sexy curves of the toilet seat in his jail cell. "It's better than a dirty magazine", he's quoted as saying. ( His idea of a dirty magazine: Hot Rod.

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - He had a lot of "pull" with the manager:

Strangely enough, this incident had no effect on Mr. Wong's job at a local fertility clinic. (

The Silver Shytekicker - He wouldn't want his Hummer getting a "Clinton":

Man, it's a good thing they caught him before he got to my Hummer. (

And our Golden Gunkchunker - "Number Two" tries harder, and that's even messier:

Mr. Wong is also facing charges of prostitution from Hertz, Avis, and Alamo Car Rental. (